Red Spider Lilies [TPN]

Chapter 9

I was around 4 when I first noticed something was wrong with the relationship between us. It was honestly little things she did that alerted me.

"Ray, you are my flesh and blood and I expect you to act like it."

Like I said, little things.

She would say these this with a smile, later with a rather serious face, and nowadays in fury. When I was a child I didn't think much of it, other than wanting it to stop. But as I grew older she became more cruel.

"Why must you disappoint me so? You're lucky to even have me. Compared to the rest you should be better off, you have an actual mother to guide you through the world. It's the least you could do for me."

Mom never told you guys this but she didn't originally want to work at an orphanage. She was planning on being something bigger, I'm not sure what, she never told me. She never even wanted kids of her own.

But she met someone and thought:

"I wouldn't mind."

That was a mistake 'cause the poor bastard left her. Said she was manipulative and too emotionally distant to be with.

He didn't even know he left me with her, she didn't get the chance to tell him. Even though I never really wanted a dad or blamed him for leaving her, I have wondered if he had known about me maybe he would have waited awhile and taken me with him.

But what is done is done and mom was left with an unwanted child and a failed relationship, so she went to grandma who offered her a job at the orphanage her family owned. And obviously when grandma died mom was left in charge of the orphanage.

So that's how it started, like a prologue of my hatred of her. Now let's talk about later on.

Mom loved me, but in a different way. She loved you all like children in her care until 18, but loved me as a little pet she had to maintain.

"You know if I acted like you, my mother wouldn't be so lenient."

Most of the time she didn't lose her cool but she was cruel in other ways.

"Ray, if you keep this up you're going to end up like Shelby. You don't want to end up like her, do you?"

I'm sure you remember Shelby, she died last year. A soldier shot her dead because she was sleeping in the streets.

I remember one day I asked her why I didn't have a dad when all the other kids had one. She looked so surprised, this was the first and only time I had ever seen her like this. It was kind of funny.

"You're dad didn't love us enough to stay."

I didn't find that part as funny. 

You guys never saw her like this, the only privilege I had of being her child was seeing her in a way no one else would. Mom always made sure no one but me would see this side of her.

"Ray, I love you so dearly. But in order to learn one must be torn down and rebuilt. This is for the best."

She said things like things with nothing but pure love. The problem was she never learned what motherly love actually was.

Grandma was the same way towards her when she was growing up, so mom grew up manipulative and cruel in order to survive. You couldn't really blame her for being like this since this is what she learned all her life. But even though she meant this with love, it still wasn't right.

"You're an awful woman, aren't you?" I told her one day.

It was after dinner and she pulled me aside to talk. She was thinking about selling off the orphanage. If you didn't know it would mean that we would all be separated to different places, including different cities and towns.

I was 16 and for the first time since I was six she looked so surprised, a horrified face plastered on her. It would be a lie to say it didn't make me feel like I did something wrong.

"Why would you say that? Ray?" Mom stood up. "After all I've done for you?"

I crossed my arms as she came closer. What if she hit me, I wondered. She shouldn't be dumb enough to do that but I may have just struck a cord with her. If she hit me she wouldn't be able to hide her true essence to the rest.

So, mom grabbed my face and held it close to her her, and stared down at me for what felt like forever. What was she doing?

"Ray," he eyes softened. "My son, do you hate me?"

Do I hate her? I'm not sure; I began to sweat.

"I love you so much and raised you to be the best you. So smart, so fast, quick tongued, so much like me."  She paused. "So I ask again, do you hate me?"

She let go of my face and smiled so warmly, but her eyes were cold.

I didn't say anything but stared at my feet. What was the answer? She was always so manipulative and loved to torture me with her words, but she was my mother and I her son.

I had often found myself thinking that I do hate her. But if I said that I hated her, that would mean I hated myself as well. Since we're so similar.

Whether I liked it or not I was a good liar, I could be cruel and manipulative, cunning. It had just occurred to me at that moment that I was a lot like her.

"Answer the question, Ray. Your mom is ready to love you either wa-"

"I definitely hate you. No good mother would ask her child a question like that."

My answer was cold and clear.

"I'll be leaving now."

I left and walk down the dark hallways. As I made it to my room there was Norman and Don, sleeping peacefully.

I laid down and stared at the ceiling, wondering 'what now?'. Would she no longer talk to me privately?

I hope so.

I don't want her to influence me anymore, or control me. Because when I said what I said something came to me. Maybe I am like her but that doesn't mean I am exactly. There is hope for me to become something better than her.