Weird: Life on the Autistic Spectrum

Meltdowns

I didn't know my meltdowns were meltdowns.

I always thought that I was just overreacting or acting like a huge baby. It can definitely seem like that to people who don't experience meltdowns, and that's what I heard a lot growing up because no one understood it or understood why I acted that way.

I always saw a definition of "meltdown" that didn't fit, since it was written by people who typically only see children have meltdowns. One day, though, I was listening to a podcast made by two autistic women, and one of them shared her experience of a meltdown. Their discussion had blown my mind. (Unfortunately the two women had a fallout and the podcast they had together was deleted.)

It was a, "Wait, that's not normal?" Moment for me.

I've given it thought and I've realized that my meltdowns, which include screaming and crying, are often caused by sensory overloads and emotional overloads.

Meltdowns are exhausting. They feel almost out-of-body sometimes because I start to feel a disconnect between myself and my senses. I feel heat in my chest and I just realized, during my most recent meltdown, that it hurts. I have a hard time realizing that something hurts, whether or not I react to it.

People who have witnessed my meltdowns probably think that I'm crazy, because of my screaming, crying, and shaking. But once I enter a meltdown, I can't do anything except try to get away from the stressor. I can't just "calm down," especially not when they tell me to, as the stressor and witness of my most recent meltdown attempted to do.

I'm prone to not feeling anything, physically, and hitting myself during meltdowns sometimes.

The aftermath of a meltdown can be slightly better or worse than the meltdown itself, depending on where I've had one and who was around when I've had one.

If I know people are whispering about me and my meltdown, I feel worse. If I have a meltdown around someone I can trust (aka my mom) I know that I'll be comforted.

Either way, meltdowns are exhausting. I might be full of energy up until the point of the meltdown, and once it's over, I don't have that energy anymore. It's kind of like plugging in the earbuds that go into the charging jack into the charging jack of a pre-iPhone 7 iPhone with a good battery percentage (say, 60%), and the battery is suddenly at 20% because of it. If that makes any sense.

After a meltdown, I need time to myself (and maybe a hug from my mom), and time to my special interest. This is relaxation and rest to me.
If I've had a meltdown or I cry a lot at night, I just go to bed if it's close enough to my bedtime.

If an autistic has a meltdown around you, please try to assist them in their needs. Please don't snap at them for it or misconstrue it. Please keep in mind that meltdowns aren't for attention and they're not temper tantrums. Please know that autistics are not crazy, and they are not crazy for having meltdowns.