Flavour

Flavour - Chapter 1.

- Well, I dropped out of school. – I answered Lizzie's question.
- I'm glad you did, Charlie! Now you don't have to worry about that or work either. Now we just need to work on the other factors causing you to stress? Can you remember the list? School, work, family, boyfriend, resposibilities and of course your eating disorder.
- I guess we can now forget about school and work.
- How about the rest?
- Well, boyfriend is now more of a motivation, as I want to keep him around since he helped so much, family of course I can't, and would not want to get rid off, neither the cats. – I said and thought: nor Ana.
- You have to learn to not make every other person's problems your own. You have to consider yourself to be before others. – Added the Doc, whose name I can't recall.
That day I had finally started on Melatonin, a drug for Insomnia, which I had, however was not suffering extremely badly.
My miscarriage had only been a month or so prior, the week after that was eventful.
On the 24th of October 2019, my first two periods that day were both Employability. I was doing my work outside the classroom as always, as I had been given permission to do work individually due to skipping classes and being mentally unstable (I'm grateful), when Miss Scott came up to me and said the nurse from a different school, as we did not have one at the time, was here to see me.

We went into a small room down the corridor, where she showed me a piece of paper about a Sexual Health Clinic in town. She asked me for my permission to get an appointment the same day, just to make sure everything was fine. I got one at 1 pm.

I went to lessons afterwards, and when it was 12:30 I hurried down to the Space Studio building. There she was waiting. We got in her car, which I can't remember what it was like for the life of me, and started driving down to the clinic. We got there very early, but as she was known there and worked near by, we were let into a seperate waiting room.

Then the doors were opened, so we went into the Sexual Health departemnt of the clinic. As we were waiting to be called in, we had many small chats. It was nice, because I have not talked to someone new for months, or at least not this openly. I felt a connection to her, she reminded me of my grandmother from my father's side who lives in Hungary.

But one thing she asked me kind of stayed with me, it was about my anorexia, as of course knew about it, however was not very knowledgable about the topic.
- Do you never get hungry?
- I'm always hungry. — I replied, a little bit surprised about her question. I further explained, but could not finish, as I heard my name from down the hallway.

Inside, I got asked numerous personal questions, which of course I understood why, such as about sex life, my eating habits and such.
The doctor asked me to pee in a cup, which I was never fond of doing, not going to lie, it's kind of disgusting to imagine people passing around a plastic cup with your piss inside of it.

When I relieved myself, I wanted to wash the urine off the sides of the cup, but I dropped the whole thing on the floor and watched it spill all over the ground. I quickly tried to clean it up, and told the doctor what happened. She requested the small bit that somehow survived the crash, saying it might just be enough to run some tests.
I got weighed, got my height taken, and that is when we started talking about contraceptives. I hated the thought of the implant, and all the others apart from the pill or the patch.
I told her, to which she said the pill would not work, as my BMI was too low. She explained why with anorexics it's not the most effective, but not going to lie, I was struggling to concentrate. So I got the patch.
After our little chat about how we can stop me from starving fetuses and sperm cells inside of myself to death, the pregnancy test results came back, and turns out my urine was just not enough, so I had to pee again. Although I did not feel the need to, a bit more than what got sent down previously came out, thank god. I put it through into the little two way cupboard behind the toilet, and waited for the results. They were already negative, meaning I was fine.

It was hours we sent at the clinic, and then on the way back to school, Margot told me about her life story. How she grew up in Belfast, how she had been a nurse since her 18th, how she worked in Texas at one point. She told me all these beautiful and movie-esque stories and our bond just seemed to have gone up another level.
As she dropped me off, I was smiling. For once. It was lovely to have met her, and have finally had some kind of connection with another human being apart from my boyfriend. But it also reminded me of how much I miss having friends, apart from Ana, I guess..

Going to CAMHS again after almost a whole year of being discharged from treatment with Bulimia Nervosa, it was strange to be back. It kind of felt like home, or rather a place I felt safe at. I had no clue of what home felt like. What being able to feel comfort made someone feel like.
Nevertheless, CAMHS had that kind of atmosphere, at least for me. I had memories from there, the first time I have ever felt valid was when I was there, I was scared to be let down the second time around.

But how could I ever recover, if I don't feel like I want to get rid of her?

I blamed the birth control patch for feeling so suicidal and hopeless, and I still believe it was the main reason behind my over-sensitivity. I ripped it off my left thigh right after calming down from a huge panic attack and thrown out all the rest. I was not about to kill myself due to the hormones. The Doc said we would have to wait two weeks before I could get re-assessed and be put on depression medication. I was fine with that, but as the two weeks passed, not much has truly changed. I cry less for sure, but I feel number and less emotional. Quite empty yet melancholic.