Purgatory Line

"sometimes i think all i'm ever doing is trying to convince myself i'm alive."

sometimes i think all i'm ever doing is trying to convince myself i'm alive." - the record player song - daisy the great

content warnings: suicidal ideation, mention of death, descriptions of physical/mental/emotional abuse, mentions of parental death, psychological manipulation & confusion, parental abandonment

They wrapped Jude in a shock blanket before they moved her too much. She was shivering, she knew that much, but she didn't remember much after that. The next thing she knew she was in a motel room. Jude could hear everyone talking in the room adjacent to hers, but she couldn't bring herself to care.

Jude only wanted to see one person, and she couldn't even think his name without beginning to cry. Dean had put her in Ellen's car and then began to avoid her like the plague which jarred her at first, but then she realized nothing was real. None of the bunker, nothing at the Roadhouse... None of it was real. She hadn't... Nothing was real. Jude laid some facts down for herself so that she could have something to remember. She had to remember something real.

My name is Jude Smith, I'm twelve years old, my brother is named Lear, and I hunt monsters with my stepfather.

Sam opened the door, bearing a bag full of Chinese take out. It was her favorite order and Jude had the fleeting thought, wondering where he had learned that. He smiled at her, spoke to her, but she stood at the window with the blanket wrapped around her and stared at him blankly. She watched as he began to unpack the food, still talking animatedly to her. He was trying to make her feel better, Jude realized. It wasn't working.

She sat in front of the food but didn't eat. It felt like she was seeing herself from outside of her body, as if she was the center of the room and everything was orbiting around her. It made Jude dizzy. She was still staring at her fried rice when the door opened again and Dean slithered in, keeping himself very small and pressed against the wall. Castiel and Gabriel followed him, the door never opening more than a foot.

My name is Jude Smith, I'm twelve years old, my brother is named Lear, and I hunt monsters with my stepfather.

Sam was sitting across from her, speaking in low tones. Jude tuned in finally, like a radio switching from AM to FM. "-Cas and Gabriel are here, and so is Dean." Jude could barely contain her flinch when Sam said his name, something like a knife of ice twisting in her gut. "Ellen and Jo left to tell Desmond. He's been out of his mind with worry. He should be here soon."

Slowly, Jude nodded. All at once Sam came to life, twisting to face the trio of men standing by the door. He looked at Dean, and they shared a Look. "We were gonna have Cas heal you, but Gabriel made the case for himself. He's an archangel, you know, more juice than Cas, who's just a seraph." Gabriel stepped forward then, moving slowly yet surely.

"Hey, Weechester," Jude tracked him with her eyes, trying to look anything but as hollow as she felt inside. "I'm just going to heal you, okay?" She nodded again, her eyes unfocusing as she felt Gabriel set his palm gently on her shoulder, the grace filling her with something that should have felt like hope but felt too much like pity for her to take comfort. The aches lifted away from her body, and she removed her arms from the shock blanket to look at her elbow. Jude half expected to see bruises in the form of Lear's hands, but there wasn't even a mark from the IV that she had watched Ellen take out of her arm. She touched her face where Desmond had struck her in... In whatever that was. That dream, that not-real world. When she pressed down, it didn't hurt.

My name is Jude Smith, I'm twelve years old, my brother is named Lear, and I hunt monsters with my stepfather.

Jude met Gabriel's worried eyes and nodded at him once. He stood and addressed the room. "I have other abilities because of my status in heaven. Castiel can... Detain memories for a small amount of time. I can completely nuke them."