Purgatory Line

"it's not so pleasant and it's not so conventional."

"it's not so pleasant and it's not so conventional. it sure as hell ain't normal, but we deal, we deal." - camisado - panic! at the disco

content warnings: mention of parental death, arguments, self-worth issues, depictions of intense guilt, parental anger, mentions of physical/mental/emotional abuse

Jude pushed Lear back behind one of the beds when Dean lunged forward, landing a solid fist to Gabriel's jaw. She did her best not to shriek as Gabriel threw Dean back into Castiel and then slashed a knife through the nearest wall. Jude held out her hand, silently telling Lear that he shouldn't move.

Castiel towed Gabriel back into the hotel room and shut the door behind him. "You're lucky that I don't kill you." Dean jabbed a finger at Gabriel. "You kidnapped our kids, God dammit!" Jude wanted to cry out, to tell Dean that he got it all wrong, but her throat wasn't working. It was dry and she was scared. Castiel hadn't moved his gaze from her, his normally liquid eyes hard and icy blue. It sent shivers down her spine - he looked dangerous. "And you!" Dean whirled on her, trying to rein himself in. He took a deep breath. "You had no right to scare me like that. To scare Cas like that."

Jude's chest heaved and she felt the hot air balloon of Lear's fear expand. She took control of it, hand that was held out toward him clenching. "You have no right to say that I scared you." Her teeth ground together, muffling her words.

"Like hell I don't!" Castiel finally moved into action, jerking Dean backward by the man's shoulder. "Cas - you can't tell me not to yell. She ran away." Gabriel, who had been silent since he had gotten decked, moved toward the desk.

"You should talk to them, Jude." He shrugged. "I'll be back."

"Gabriel, no!" She cried, but he was already gone. She clenched her jaw so hard stars burst in front of her eyes. Castiel was still gripping Dean, still glaring at her. He looked like he hated her, and Jude's chest ached at the thought.

"Ask her why." Castiel commanded Dean. "Ask her why she ran."

"It doesn't matter why!" Dean's voice cracked, breaking in the middle of his sentence. Jude could see him crying again and her chest tightened. She closed her eyes and shook her head. "It doesn't matter why she ran. She ran. She abandoned us." Jude's control over Lear wavered and the bed shifted a few inches forward.

"You didn't want me!" Jude lost control then - and that was when she realized it wasn't Lear who was near exploding. It was her. The furniture was pushed away from her in all directions and Lear scrambled back toward the wall, crying. "And you didn't want Lear!" She fought for control over herself, but she was struggling. Jude curled in on herself, hands pressed to her head and clenched in fists.

Lear clambered onto the bed, eyes wide and wet. She could feel the regret mixing with the fear to make something dark, and toxic inside of her. Jude let out a shuddering breath, but couldn't keep the air balloon from expanding. She closed her eyes and when she opened them, Lear was gone.

She panicked, but then Gabriel's voice was in her head telling him that he had taken Lear back to the beach. There was no need for the child to see his sister - his sister who has always had it together and protected it - lose her walnuts. "I heard you say it." Jude accused, her eyes still on the floor as she cried. "You said it."

"I thought we cleared this up!" Dean wiped his tears on the back of his hand, tossing the other in the air. "I want to be your father. I want you in my life, Jude. I've missed twelve damn years of being your Dad, and I'm not gonna miss anymore!" His voice rose, and Jude flinched. She wanted to believe that he'd never hurt her, but she had heard what she heard.

"If you had a problem, you should have spoken to one of us, Fledgling." Castiel stepped forward and took Dean's hand. "We are, as Dean says, a family. Family fixes things, they do not run from whatever is wrong." Jude made an affronted noise and the lightbulbs in the hotel room blew. Her hands were shaking, trying to physically hold on to something that was metaphysical. She felt herself begin to cry harder, hot tears of anger rolling down her cheeks.