Miss you, not.

XVI

The clock showed 2 in the morning. Brett had morning class in a few hours. He should really sleep soon in order to be a functional human being the next day. He tossed and turned in his bed. No matter what sleeping posture he tried, he just couldn't for the life of him fall asleep.

The voices. They were here again. He tried closing his ears. But they just kept whispering such daunting things. Things he wished weren't true.

If you screw this up, he'll leave you.

'Stop! That won't happen. I won't let it!'

There are things out of your control, Brett.

But as time went on, he started to believe that they might be right after all.

His mind had wandered into the deep dark abyss that was his thoughts. He was happy. So happy. Being with his best friend was the happiest he has been in his life. But he was also terrified.

The closer he was to Eddy, the louder and more frequent these voices appear.

Brett opened up his chat with Eddy to distract himself. Eddy had wished him good night about two hours ago before going to bed himself. He smiled warmly at their texts. He had told Brett to get to bed early and not to stress himself too much. 'Funny, when he should've taken his own advice.'

Brett found that looking through their past conversations helped calm him down. It kept the voices away for a while. He felt the sleepiness heavy on his eyelids. He could see a vision of Eddy. He imagined himself being in the safety of his arms, as he whispered to him that everything was going to be alright.

—

Eddy had invited Brett out for a walk in the park. There weren't much people around as it was the end of the semester, most students were already home for the break.

As they were walking, they talked. Eddy had almost wanted to reach out and hold Brett's hand. But decided not to, fearing rejection.

Since that day at the cafe, things went about as usual. But Eddy knew something was on Brett's mind that he wouldn't say. He could see it in the way sometimes Brett got lost in thoughts in the middle of a conversation. And how he became wary of physical touches.

They decided to take a seat on the bench by the lake. Then the sudden realisation dawned on Brett. 'Is this.. a date?'

What was the definition of a date anyway? They've been here countless times together as friends. Why was this any different? Friends could go on dates too. If that was the case, then what makes it different now that they were together? These were the thoughts going through Brett's mind.

"Hey." Eddy broke the silence.

He flinched. "Y-yeah?"

"You were staring off into space again."

"Did I?" He laughed hoping to brush the issue off.

Eddy sighed. He couldn't handle this anymore. He needed to know why. And most importantly, he wanted to know if it was his fault that something went wrong somewhere. And if it was.. well, he didn't think it through. But all he knew was that he needed to figure this out.

"Brett.. are you okay?"

"What do you mean? I'm fine aren't I?" 'Am I?'

Eddy didn't believe one bit of it. So many questions had been tormenting him for the past week. He prodded again. "Be honest with me, Brett. Please?"

Brett looked at Eddy in doubt. He wasn't sure if it was worth bringing up. He could brush it off again but Eddy had looked so sorrowful. After all, things should be discussed, not bottled up.

"It's about us."

That single sentence struck fear into his heart. Was this it? Was this the extent of their relationship? For a moment, Eddy's world felt like it was crashing down.

"I'm not sure-"

"Do you doubt my feelings..?" Eddy's face was so sad, Brett's heart broke a little.

"No! I don't but.." His palms felt sweaty. He gripped the knees of his pants as he forced his words out. "I doubt mine."

"I've only came to realise my feelings not long ago. I don't know since when I've been harbouring these feelings for you but I strongly believe they're real and I want to give us a chance.." his words began to trail off.

"But?" Worry started to surface in Eddy's expression. He knew start of their relationship was a little shaky from the entire ordeal. But things were going so well since then, he didn't want to lose what they had.

"I'm scared, Eddy." His voice was small, and trembling. "I've been in relationships before. But I've never been as scared as I am right now."

"Why?"

"It's because it's you."

Eddy was taken aback by the answer. "What do you mean by that? Did I do something-"

"No! I mean, it's not you. You're perfect. You're funny, you're charming, you're smart and talented. God, anyone would be so lucky to have you." Eddy flushed at the barrage of compliments.

"You.. you're a great friend. I've known you for years to know that and.. that is also precisely why I'm scared. If anything were to happen, I wouldn't only lose a partner, I'd lose you as a friend as well. And the thought of that terrifies me so much. I don't know what'd I do without—"

He reached out and grasped his hands, stopping Brett from continuing. "Hey. Look at me."

Brett looked up to him and Eddy could see the fear and anxiety in his face. The shadows under his eyes were noticeably more intense. Brett naturally had a sleepy looking face but he looked even more tired than usual. Eddy wondered pitifully at how much sleep he had been getting for the past few weeks.

"Why would you think that I would let anything happen to us? Even if something did, which is beyond our control, I still wouldn't give up on our friendship for the world no matter what would happen."

".. really?"

"Really." Eddy smiled reassuringly.

He looked at Eddy in the eyes, searching for any signs of doubt only to find unwavering determination. Having heard Eddy's resolve made Brett feel like a burden has been lifted off of his chest. What was he worried of in the first place?

Eddy leaped forward and hugged the other man tightly, burying his face in the crook of Brett's neck. "God, you had me worried sick. I thought I did something wrong to scare you off."

Brett returned the hug. "I'm so sorry that I doubted you. That I doubted us. I'm sorry that all I've been doing is worrying you."

He let out a sigh of as he stroked Brett's hair. Eddy felt so relieved. He had missed this. It seemed so long ago that they held each other like this.

"You should trust me a little. Isn't that how relationships work? From now on, we're not keeping anything from each other, okay?"

"Okay."

Charades should just stay as a game, Eddy thought.