Calendar ❦ kth

2015 | twenty-one years

March 4th, 9:46 pm. Seoul Arts University. (Dorm Section.)

•

"What the—Taehyung?"

"Hey."

"What are you doing here? It's so late. It's like 10:00. And this is my school."

"Can we talk? Please?"

*stares* "..." *folds arms* "...about what?"

*rolls eyes* "Gosh, just, shut up. Can't you just trust me?"

"What? I just want to know what you want to talk about."

"Let me talk and I'll tell you."

*pause* "I..."

•••

His eyes are so soft. In the dark hallway I can hardly see him, but I can see his eyes. Dark, and gleaming. It almost looks like he's crying, how they shine like that. But, his eyes have always shone. He's wearing a black hoodie tonight, like the one he'd worn in Bangtan Sonyeondan's most recent music video. I can't remember which one..

He looks tired.

•••

"Okay. What's wrong?"

"Everything."

"Huh?"

"But it also might be nothing... I don't know. I can't tell anymore what's real and what's not. I've been in my head for too long."

*quietly* "I thought you like your members."

"I do. Sometimes. Mostly... I—that's not what this is about, not really."

"Then what is it about?"

"...I... uh..." *throat bobs*

"..."

"..."

"...Taehyung. You know... you know you can tell me anything, right?"

"I know."

"Like, it's fine."

"I know."

*pause*

"I don't think I can do this, Mio. I'm scared. Sometimes, I look at us, and I see us laughing—and I can see all the good in them! In this group, and in our music, and the fun we have. And how much we love it, they... they really love what they do, some of them. Hobi-hyung and Namjoon-hyung. And it's worth it... b-but then I go online, and I-I-I just can't. I can't, Mio. I'm sorry. I guess I'm not making sense right now, huh? We got our first win last week. This is the first time we're being noticed. And now that more people will pay attention to us... well... the more I'm scared everything will fall apart. I don't know if I can face that. It's like all this pressure building up inside me... and Bangtan's been around for ages, okay? Geez.. I don't even know how long anymore. Years. I feel like a fossil."

*smiles gently* "I, uhm..... won't deny that."

"Hey, shhh. Point is, a lot of the time I question whether or not I should keep doing this... have the ability to do this... you know? I question my own willpower. I don't know if I can handle all this, or, handle if all this... fails." *pause* "What am I doing? Who do I think I am? What the hell do I think I'm doing?"

•••

I didn't know he felt that way.

•••

"So, you want to quit?"

"No!"

"Okay, so, don't quit."

"No, I don't know... ughh! I just... I can't think straight anymore."

"Tae, this is what's happening, okay? Listen to me. Now, listen... okay?" *voice softens* "The issue here, right now... is that you don't believe in yourself. That sounds cheesy, I know, but it's true. You have doubts, you let your thoughts run and then you're overthinking."

"How do you know I'm overthinking? You can't see inside my head."

"Just don't think, okay? Just... stick the road."

*pause*

"...if it's the wrong road?"

"There is no wrong road. There's only the road you choose, and the road you don't. And both are going to have bads and goods, I promise you. So, it's picking the one that you really want to... I mean, you can't go back to school."

"Ha! True."

"So, yeah, that options closed anyway." *thinks* "And, I mean... I believe in you, Taehyung."

"You do?"

"Yes. I do. I've seen how hard you work, your passion. You say the members love doing this, but you don't seem to realise that you do too... so just... believe in yourself. Don't think. Just stay the road. Because I believe in you."

•••

I believe in you, Taehyung. More than you know. More than your blind mind could possibly imagine. I believe in the boldness in you—the spontaneity that's sent you going places. I believe in your unique mind, the out-of-the-box way your brain functions. I believe in your weirdness.

I believe in the eyes I see, shadows falling beneath in a sleepless drought. I believe in your fragile, faded smile. I haven't seen a proper one for a few days now. I believe in your knobbly hands that crack each knuckle in the stir of your restlessness. I believe in your deep-sounding laugh that booms, reverberating like ocean waves. It echoes from here to the moon and back. I believe in the sweet, lively crinkles of your eyes.

Taehyung, I just realised.

When did we grow up?