Infectious (Ziall)

Compunction.

Dear self,

Harry's asleep and, before you begin to ponder why I haven't followed suit, I can't. It isn't that I haven't tried. It's that it has never felt like my place to do so; lying under the sheets in which I committed such a lustful sin. I always regret it afterwards. Like a high, the adrenaline feels great within that moment; however, what goes up, must come down; and that's when it always hits me. I'm not sure how I feel about him or if I should feel anything towards him. Sometimes, I wonder if we could be more, and then there are times when I feel so ashamed for having sex with him that I start to resent him, that I disappear from his home for days and weeks, until I finally break down and return. He never questions why I'm feeling so distressed, nor does he bother to acknowledge the tear stains on my cheeks; and I guess that's my fault because I only ever show up for one reason - to numb the pain. It's two in the morning, the light illuminating from my phone, as I type this, luring me further away from sleep. I'm naked and cold, but the comforter remains at the end of my feet, the scent of guilt and pity staining them, while Harry complacently remains wrapped up on his side of the bed. I should probably get going. Concerned, and angry, parents awaiting.

Sincerely,

Hopeless.

Malik Household

[In the lonely hour; searching for reason].

Zayn stumbled through the front door, stumbling through the darkness of the parlor, fingers trembling, as he tried to lock the door behind himself. He reeked of alcohol and disappointment; of frustration; loneliness. His vision was slightly blurred and his mind was clouded with the guilt of all he had done. Even still, he felt a sense of hatred towards Niall within the same degree that he felt for himself because Niall continued to tip-toe around him, continued to torture him for his mistakes and his wrongdoings; how the blond wouldn't divorce him, yet remained in the same household; how his husband wouldn't show any sort of remembrance of what they used to be. Sure, infidelity was a deeply-rooted problem, but clinging onto it was far more severe; at least, that's how Zayn felt; but Niall had to remind him quite often that they were two, distinctive beings; and what Zayn felt wasn't necessarily what Niall felt. So, Zayn stumbled further into the home, tripping over the laces of his shoes; every drop of alcohol weighing him down and leading him in several, different directions. He bumped into the lamp nearby, knocking the item over and causing the bulb to shatter. He grumbled, kneeling on the floor as his hands blindly scanned the floor in search of the shards; and it wasn't long before he came in contact a sharpened piece of glass, the palm of his hand his stinging in pain as the shard gashed through his skin. "Shit!" He winced, stumbling backwards until he fell on his butt; huffing in annoyance. A light flickered on, illuminating over the staircase and the left side of his rough, unshaven face.

"Zayn?" Niall called, apprehensively descending down the steps. It was moments like those that Niall found himself to be vulnerable, though unwillingly. Any degree of resentment wasn't enough to cause him to stray or become heartless, even when Zayn looked at him as if he was nothing more than the reason for his drinking and aggressiveness; his anger. Niall could conjure up enough of heart to care, even if just for that moment.

"Don't touch me!," Zayn exclaimed, roughly pushing Niall's hand away as the blond tried to help him onto his feet.

"It's going to get infected," Niall informed him. He took small steps towards the drunken man, hoping that Zayn would let his wall down, even if only slightly. He found it disheartening to be in the position they were in, where they were hesitant to touch; scared to look at one another; strangers to each other in almost every aspect of their marriage. Niall gently took Zayn's injured hand and the raven-haired man looked at him with a hint of disbelief.

The warm water collided with the blood, a light shade or red cascading down the drain as Niall held his husband's hand under the water; the older man groaned here and there; but no one could tell if it was the internal pain that the alcohol was bringing to the surface or the scar itself. Zayn didn't complain though because, for the first time in a long time, there was physical contact between the two. Perhaps being clumsy and getting somewhat injured wasn't the reasoning Zayn would've searched for, for Niall's attention; however, it was enough. The bathroom grew silent and Zayn realized the water was no longer running, droplets of water falling from his fingertips. Niall patted his hand dry with a towel, eyes fixed on the older man's hand, several, small cuts on the palm of his rosy, rough hands; sadly such a familiar sight to see his husband in such a condition. Zayn was always on the deep end of things. Zayn knew he was always giving Niall a reason to be upset with him, but the alcohol allowed him to forget. Zayn winced, snapping out of his thoughts at the sight of Niall dashing his cuts with rubbing alcohol. "Should be fine now. I'll doubt you'll feel the pain in the morning," Niall mumbled, eyes still fixated on Zayn's hand just as he was finishing. He tossed the slightly bloody cotton balls into the small trashcan nearby.

Niall then commenced to heading out of the bathroom, only for Zayn to take hold of his wrist, reeling him into a kiss so deep that Niall found himself breathless and taken aback; and foolishly allowing himself to relish in it. But like every, other small moment, he pulled away; puzzled; visions of conflict within his eyes. Without saying anything, he left out of the bathroom, leaving Zayn to further sulk in his misery.

_

Author's Note: I would like to apologize for the one week wait. I went out of town for five days, and then I got sick. I feel better now, though I still have small moments where I feel a little blah. So, I've been trying to get back into the mood of writing. This chapter was a little longer than the others, so maybe that'll compensate for it? I hope you all enjoyed xo.