The Fallen

Kevin

The day I lost it all was the day I found everything I needed.

I was standing at the edge of a cloud, wings spread out behind me, white, gigantic, amazingly pure. The sky was drenched in sunlight, turning it a beautiful pastel blue graced with the occasional white cotton cloud. The wind calmly ruffled my hair, and the lack of sound was refreshing. I never got this kind of peace when I was alive.

Life had been a gray, endless, thundercloud torching the days and nights with electric bolts. I would desperately hold an umbrella up against the rain just to have it torn from my grip by the wind. The force of the weather would knock me down, and no matter how many times I struggled to get up, the weight of the world pushed me down again. I wished I had a story about how I overcame all the hardships of life, but I didn't. I never got the chance to.

I died when I was seventeen, and just like that, all hopes of getting out of the storm and becoming someone great had disappeared. All dreams of helping people who had suffered like me, dissipated. One moment I was taking my last breath, and the next, I woke up in a pool of golden light.

There were cheerful faces as far as I could see. People with wings danced in circles above my head. There was no rain, and no wind blew stronger than a calm breeze. I knew where I was, I knew how I got there, and I knew there was no going back. There was no more struggling.

It was me, and millions of other faceless angels. We relished in the joys of freedom and happiness, singing all day, dancing all night. Yet, my freedom and happiness quickly faded away as I came to realize I was different. I began to hate the festivities and the songs. The noise of my fellow angels' cheers became too much for me to handle, and just before I lost my mind, I met Kate.

I was waiting for her now, ceremoniously thinking of how easy it would be to step off the clouds and drop to the ground. My soul was too dark for heaven, my mind was too broken. The pearly gates were too perfect. The constant happiness, well, that was the worst part. It was driving me insane. No matter where I went, everyone was always happy. I felt as if I were surrounded by little girls with lollipops and pigtails, skipping around happily with rainbow tutus.

Did they regret nothing? Did they know what pain was? Other than Kate, everyone else seemed immune to suffering. Was I the only one who was haunted by the past? Every morning I did the same thing. I would walk outside the gates, and stand at the edge of a cloud, looking down on Earth. I would wish everything had been different, that I had been different. I would wish to be alive again, so I could grow as a person, so I could overcome what I failed to overcome in life. I would wish for a second chance.

Eternal peace had its perks and all, but without trials and tribulations you stay stagnant. You never become anything more than who you already are, and in my case, the person I was then would never be good enough. I was broken, but maybe there was hope for me.

Everyone has choices, and since mine in life were useless, my choices in death had to count for something, and I had to make a choice every morning when I stood at the edge of those clouds. Did I want to stay in Heaven? Or did I want to return to Earth?

I always feared falling to Earth, what would happen to me? How would I survive? But, the thought of living again tore at my soul. I wanted to do what I couldn't earlier. I didn't want to just survive, I wanted to live. I wanted to feel alive. I wanted to change, and all I had to do to get what I wanted, was swallow my fear and step over the edge.

I took a deep breath, the gentle sunlight was harsh on my skin now, and my hands were shaking slightly. I was scared to live because I didn't want to fail again, but I didn't want to be afraid anymore. I would wait for Kate, and when she arrived, I would tell her goodbye. I would finally fall today.