Just for Yeager

Alone Again

Incredible how a densely packed gathering of grievers could make one feel absolutely small in a field of the dead. Almost as phenomenal as the many soldiers who showed up to properly send Yeager off into the realm of souls. Some of them I've never seen before. Others, familiar faces, but one trooper in particular stuck out at me. The absence of Mikasa. I scanned the crowd once more for her, then scrunched my brows up to the beaming intensity of the morning sun. I sighed. Maybe I should have stayed home as well. It was taking too much out of me in keeping my composure as they lowered his casket underground.

I had a feeling Hange sensed I was holding something back, as I felt her occasionally dart her eyes towards me. She kept to my side in the ring of bodies, but honestly I couldn't have felt more alone.

Eren...

Commander Erwin gave his final words, and they immediately began to coat his body with soil.

It was almost instantaneous—how fast the sun surrendered to a fleet of heavy clouds. The air drew dark and thick, and a pounding thunder strike introduced a shower of cold rain. Perhaps now I may weep without suspicion...

The gathering began to disperse little by little, but Hange and those closer to Eren stayed for his complete burial. I tried to remain empty headed, tried to compress the memories I had of him. Nothing was more difficult. That hot-headed time bomb scarred me with much happiness and affection. He gave me an even greater purpose in a world of desolated dystopia.

I suddenly felt Hange coddle me, resting her head on me with an arm around my shoulder. The sensation bothered me; I hated feeling vulnerable. But she knew that, and wanted to manipulate me in the moment. Perhaps she thought I should express something; anger, fear, a slash of sentiment. After all, it was a funeral. But it made no difference to me. How much I could lock up inside continued to confuse and even irritate her. Her comfort only forced my way out of the cemetery, and into the carriage.

After twenty minutes, she followed me in, and I soon found myself in the bosom of my warm, dry home once more. I tossed my drenched jacket on the coat rack, then dipped my head down, pressing my eyes shut to the inevitable irritation. From behind me, she slammed the door, dropped her bag, and then snatched my shoulders. She veered me to her sharply, her piercing glare trying to strip down my stone mien.

"What, the, hell, Levi?! Eren died, and you had nothing to say at his funeral. You didn't even bother showing up at his wake! Are you honestly that cold hearted?! Do you even have a shred of sympathy? Do you even know what that word means?"

I took her wrist, and said flatly, "I don't have time for this."

"That's too bad, because we are doing this right now! I can't believe you can act this way towards the one hope we had against those titans! I would see you out there with him, teaching him, training him. Was that all for show? Did you not give a rat's ass about him as a human being? Or did you only care about his ability?!" She cupped my face, and her blabbing continued, "I thought you out of all people besides his two friends would care, Levi. I truly did. It seemed you had high regards for that boy. It seemed that you actually cared for him."

Hange, you bitch.

I finally broke; I had no control at the moment. She looked deeply into my watering eyes, her creased lips slipping ajar. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't...

I gritted my teeth at my disclosure. It was pathetic... it was weak. And she knew I was beyond upset. I could feel my face burning red. She then realized her mistake, one she couldn't rectify. My wife didn't even try to condole me, merely apologizing before I ventured off.

A hot shower was all I could think about, to wash this vulnerability of mine. The steaming water against my pink flesh was satisfying, although not enough to wash away those persistent memories. It was beginning to feel like a curse, and the more I thought of him, the angrier I felt. He left me, the bastard left me.

"Heh." I chuckled, dropping my shoulders as I lost myself, staring at the emptiness in my wet palm. I tried to scorch the pain way, but before I knew it, I broke down into madness. A manic laugh bubbled out of me. Louder it grew, filtering the bathroom in a nerving echo. I grabbed my head, pulling at my hair as my booming amusement stretched down the halls. I cackled like a hyena, sashaying back and forth in the mist of heat.

If I had any emotions, I guess this was my way of coping with it. If I had any regret, I believe this was how I'd deal with it. No one could watch me here, and no one could judge. Not even myself. I allowed the exposure, and it grinned back at me with vicious volatility. I felt my head swell up with hysteria—perhaps I was finally going insane. My chest caved in, my eyes bulged out, and my voice cracked dry as I sniveled in sorrow.

But then, I snapped.

Throwing a punch into the shower tiles before me. Like that, the rest of the world seemed to fall into place. Reality seemed to coat me in misery again, and the fact that he's gone finally settled in. I dropped my knees and fell into a cascade of tears, burrowing my face in my bleeding hand as I trembled...

I was truly alone again...