Let It Go

Part 1

And it wasn't that she minded that, either. She loved her family. Her mother, who was pretty and understood more than Jane was prepared to admit to either of them. Her father, who was marvellous, and that wasn't just her own opinion.... practically everyone who knew him said so. Everyone who knew him wasn't around all the time and didn't know how irritating he could be. Still, he was marvellous. And her two young brothers. Well they were just beyond comprehension. They never found time heavy on their hands, they always had something to do, to think about, and it was impossible to be in their company without feeling cheered and tender and hopeful for the human race as an institution. But how could you understand people who were never bored, never restless? Jane, who dreamed a great deal, frequently found time heavy on her hands and heart, regardless her brothers with awe and could not formulate them in her mind.

Oh no, it wasn't that she disliked spending Christmas Eve with her family. It was that she disliked passionately having her plans disturbed. It was more than that today. She got up and wandered to her desk, stood looking absently at the young face in the mirror. At no time could she bear to have her plans upset, but tonight's had been... Oh, it would have been so much fun, she evaded, then met her own eyes and remembered she has promised that reflected person that they would be honest with each other. Alright, then, tonight's plan has been important beyond fun.

The girl in the mirror stared at her deeper and deeper she stared back, looking into the hazel eyes with the thick, well stencilled brows, studying the oval shape of the face, the glossy black hair that waved naturally. That's all very well, she said, and you can be glad of it, but look into my mind. That's what I'm asking you to do. The girl in the mirror continued to care only about externals, forcing Jane to turn slightly, so that the slim waist looked even slimmer, and lovely neck was defined. There was a dress she'd seen the other day... a primrose yellow wool that -- she moved away from the glass, furious with herself, real and reflected. But who, she asked silently, stretching her arms in the air, then bringing them close to herself as though enfolding something,who knows her true self from reflected? She closed her eyes, and it was not her own arms that held her. A boys arms held her and a boys voice said, " Jane, i love you.. love you."

Jane dropped to the bed, biting her lip. I said, I decided and promised to be honest, for at least a few minutes out of the day, with myself. I said that for a little while, when i was alone, I'd drop the acting and the dreaming and the making up of nice things that don't happen. Well then, do it. Forget the boy who has never held you close but may someday... someday he may, that boy, be real- he will have to be. I'm Jane Perry, and I'm pretty, and I'm really a nice person, and it isn't possible that never will a boy say, Jane, I love you... love you... Oh, please... Whats the matter with you?!Can't you stop it, even for a minute, even when you make up your mind that you will, you will?

Now look , she told herself. Now, see here. For one minute you are going to say something direct and truthful to yourself and you are not going to let anything get in the way. Now... she looked at the clock, watched the slender red second hand travel one, two, six, sixteen seconds. When it gets to twelve, she told herself, and watched it go smoothly upward till it stood straight, at noon, at midnight, she said, 'I'm fake,' and the hand moved on and down.
So she was a fake. It wasn't news, it wasn't very interesting, it wasn't even terribly important, probably. Because most people were fakes more or less, weren't they? We're Richard and Andrew, her brothers, fake? No- but they weren't really old enough to have started fakiness ( a quality Jane felt had been present in herself for about three years, since Her twelfth birthday, say, and growing ever since) and beside Andrew and Richard were not most people. And besides that she'd wandered from the point again, which was to admit to herself that she'd wanted to go caroling tonight because she was impressed by the group she had been asked to go with. There, she thought a little limply. That's about as honest as anyone could be required to be. Impressed by them and all right, go step further not even ask by them. Mrs Howard, who was something or other on the Caroling Association that made you these groups from volunteers at the high school, had suggested her. But they'd accepted the suggestion. Margaret Obem, class president of the tenth grade, president of the pep club , secretary of the Drama Society, winner of last years popularity poll, had phoned and mentioned Mrs Howard's suggestion and then said, 'that all right with you, Jane?'
Jane, a little breathless, had said, 'Gosh, yes . I mean, sure, that'd would be fine. Where'll we meet and all?'
'Let's see. You're out Jeff Irwin's way, aren't you? Suppose I ask Jeff to pick you up, I mean his father, he's picking up some others, and then we're driving to Conie Frosts, we're going to start from there and afterward go back and have cocoa and stuff, so whoever's dropping Jeff off can drop you, too. Okay?'
'Sure.... sure, that'd be well, Margaret. I'll... I'll be ready. What time is it? I mean , when'll Jeff's father come by?'
'Oh, a little before eight. Well, bye then.'
Margaret was gone, leaving Jane elated, and plagued (as she always was) by the notion that her voice on the phone was shrill. She kept trying to remember to keep it low, unhurried , poised, and every time she hung up it echoed in her hearing as shrill, rushed, and rattled.
I don't know, she thought now, sitting on the edge of her bed, hands in her lap, eyes on the floor. There seems to be so much to correct. She signed, looked out the window, and jumped to her feet. Snow!! It wasn't raining anymore at all or anyway practically not at all. It was snowing. She threw up the window, leaned out and tipped her face towards the sky. Big fat flakes fell against her cheeks , her eyes . She looked down on the ground. The snow was slowly, just perceptibly, beginning to cling, to turn the wed to whiteness. The air was cold, wonderfully, mercifully cold. She closed the window and hummed, half closing her eyes , a smile farting at her lips. Oh, it was wonderful, it was lovely, it was dazzling to be so happy , suddenly she ran down the stairs, and finding Andrew at the foot, grabbed him in her arms and hugged him.