The Jump

33 Facing The Past

Raif found himself sitting at the kitchen counter of his parents home, again, while stirring his cup of coffee absent mindedly. After discovering that Lucinda had packed some of her things and left without leaving a note, his attention seemed to constantly drift. Where was she? Was she coming back? Why was her phone turned off? Was it over between them? It didn't matter how old he was; going home to his parent's house always brought him comfort, especially now.

He drank coffee with his mother and they mostly sat around quietly but it was her presence that was soothing. With a sigh, he looked out of the large glass windows and gazed at the ocean. The sun was casting down onto the water, making it shimmer like glitter and on most days, he would find it beautiful but today it made him feel nothing. Finally Celeste reached out and wrapped her fingers around his hand as they held the coffee mug.

"You know honey, it's not like you tried to explain to her what really happened."

Raif turned his attention to his mother. "She wouldn't listen. I stood there for thirty minutes trying to get her to come out."

"But honey... you left, and you haven't tried going after her either."

"She wanted me to leave."

"Raif." Celeste tucked a wave of hair behind her son's ear. "Since when have you been a quiter? Or someone who mopes around just taking no for an answer?"

"That's the thing mom, I've always been this way. Even back when Rachel broke things off. I just went along with it, I didn't argue."

"You're wrong," Celeste replied. "Look how hard you fight to keep your coffee shop running, and I know you struggle with the finances during off season. Even with your father and me offering to help, you never take our money, you keep working hard and somehow you make it through."

"That's different. It's a business, my livelihood."

Celeste shook her finger and continued. "How about how hard you fought during surfing competitions when you were younger? Like that time you dislocated your shoulder on a hard wave and I urged you to forfeit. I tried to explain to you that there was always next time but you slapped some ice on your arm and went out there again. And what happened? What place did you come in?"

"Second, mom," Raif sighed.

"Exactly! Second place and with an injured shoulder. Most men would have given up but you went back out there and charged those waves..." Celeste studied his face. He had dark shadows under his eyes and the corners of his lips were almost in a frown. "And let's not forget how hard you fought to try to save your brother too. Knowing the way you are, I know you did everything you could to keep him from drowning." Celeste wiped her eyes.

"But I didn't save him. He died and there was nothing I could do," Raif replied, with a tight throat and his eyes ready for tears.

"You have to stop blaming yourself, honey. Rally... he was just... depressed. None of us really knew what he was feeling inside. Don't you think that me, being his mother, that I feel responsible for what happened? Because I couldn't see how sad he was? Maybe if I had noticed then I could have gotten him help, but there's nothing I can do to go back, except right now there is something I can change for you."

"Like what, Mom?"

"You're not a quiter Raif. Sure you may have let Rachel walk away when you were kids, but she wasn't the right person for you. So it was good you let her go. Lucinda on the other hand, is different."

"I thought you didn't like her?"

Celeste sighed. "I do like her. I was just worried about her. She seemed like such a fragile person at first, so unsure of herself, and the last thing I wanted was for you to get involved with someone as broken as me."