Stylist (book 1) - H.S

Chapter 26: Happy & Sad.

A/N: song linked!!!

    We made it back to the hotel room shortly after the fireworks were done, and I felt light the whole way home. He didn't talk much, but he did continue to sing, and he was humming something I hadn't heard before, but it was relaxing. I continued to drift in and out of sleep, and for some reason I reached for him, holding his hand and resting my head on it on the center console as we rode. We're walking back in through the hotel doors right now, and though it was a long ride of me going in and out of sleep I'm exhausted right now.
    "Are you alright?" He asks as we enter the elevator, and I nod my head, putting my hands behind my back as I lean on the wall.
    "I'm just really tired right now." I admit, telling the truth. Tonight was incredible, I'd have no reason to be silent and sad about it because I'm not.
    "Let's go to bed then." He holds his hand out, and I take it, and walk down the hall with him. We approach the door, and another opens. I take my hand away quickly out of instinct and turn to see Anthony.
    "So kind of you to stop by and say hello when you got back.." He says sarcastically, and I smile, approaching him to give him a hug.
    "Hi Anthony, I missed you so much, and I'm glad to be back." I tell him, and pull back after his hesitation. "Is something wrong?" I ask, and back away.
    "Nothing but the fact that you just hugged me... Are you feeling okay?" He asks, and I roll my eyes.
    "I'm fine, and I'm tired of everyone picking on me for being nice.. Go to bed, I'll see you tomorrow." I tell him, turning back towards the door where Harry stands.
    "Yes ma'am." Anthony solutes me, and turns back to his door.
    "Goodnight Anthony." Harry looks over his shoulder and unlocks the hotel door, holding it open for me, then following through and closing it behind us. I walk in, and walk to the room, watching him pull his shirt from his body. He looks to me as I look up to him, and he turns his head, questioning my glance. I hold my hands out towards him as he stands with his shirt in hand.
    "Can I?" I open my hands, and he looks to the shirt and hands it to me.
    "You're so odd." He laughs, walking towards his suitcase. I strip from my pants and shirt, pulling his over me, and letting it hang loosely on me. I walk to my bag and grab silky gold sleep shorts, and pull my hair down from it's tight ponytail, and catch him watching me as I turn to the side.
    "Can I help you?" I ask with a smile on my lips.
    "That's your color, suits you well." He nods down to the shorts I wear, and I look at them and back up to him.
    "Why do you say that?" I ask, throwing myself on the already unmade bed. He joins me, and pulls a hand behind his head, looking to his phone, and then throwing it down on the bed, and looking to the ceiling.
    "You're so golden." He tells me, and I roll on my side, keeping the same confused expression on my face.
    "I still have no idea what you mean by that, you're not giving me much explanation." I tell him, and he shakes his head.
    "Because I can't explain it.. Of course you look good in the color, but it's more than that... you're just golden..Can I say something without you getting mad?" He asks, and I don't speak. "I don't think I can explain it any other way." I give in at that and nod my head to him. "When I think of Golden I think of the peak, I think of a moment in time when people say that was the best, that was golden, and-" He starts, and I interrupt.
    "I understand." I mumble, not wanting him to go any further in his explanation considering the way my heart is beating at the words he already spoke.
    "I'm sorry." He mumbles, and I shake my head.
    "Don't apologize... never apologize for the way you feel..." I speak without thinking, and I don't turn to see his reaction because I can guess it would be shocked. "We should go to bed." I tell him, trying to change the subject. He opens his arm up to me, and I cling to him quickly.
    "What did you mean by that El?" He asks me, and I shrug while laying across his chest.
    "You don't always need to speak your feelings.. I'd prefer people not actually, but if you slip up.. If you do it, don't apologize for it." I tell him, coming up with some explanation to distract from the fact that I was telling myself that, I was telling myself to stop hiding from my feelings.
    "Can I tell you something else?" He asks me, and I know my answer won't matter, especially not after what I just said.
    "Go ahead." I mumble, not looking at him, but hearing his heart beating through his chest.
    "At the start of all of this I was so low, I never had that confidence and I kind of feel like I have it now... I'm not saying it's because of anything specific but I feel like this tour, and my team, and you, and just... everything has changed me for the better." He tells me, and I find myself smiling, because I could say the exact same thing, but I don't show him my smile.
    "You radiate confidence, what do you mean?" I ask, and yawn right after I speak the words.
    "It's easy to fake things...especially when you're sad." he tells me, and I resonate with his words, my eyes falling shut, and feeling heavier than before. My brain clouded with sleep, and my thoughts are like fog.
    "I think that's what I'm doing right now." I mumble, yawning again, and give up trying to hold my eyes open.
    "What do you mean El?" He asks, but my mind is too tired to reply, so I don't. I sleep instead, not thinking of anything but the feeling of his hands on me as I sleep and the sound of his heart stays playing on repeat in my ear.
    I wake up the next morning and instantly smell coffee, and I open my eyes to see him sitting on the end of the bed, strumming his guitar. I don't know the tune but when I sit up he stops it, and looks back.
    "Morning sunshine." He smiles over his shoulder, a soft smile, and I throw myself back on the bed.
    "Is it?" I ask, knowing what today is.
    "It could be if you wanted it to be." He tells me, and I know he's right. Normally today is hard, one of the worst days of the year, but it doesn't have to be. Today could be a good day, a day of remembrance. "I had coffee brought up, drink some, wake yourself up... or lay back down, whatever feels right love." He nods his head to the coffee, and then focuses back on his guitar. I pick up my phone, and see a missed text from last night that I must have missed... from Cindy, one of my clients. She texted me earlier on this morning, asking about the designs she asked me to sketch up, something I've been meaning to chat with her about, just to ask some questions.
    "Shit.." I mutter, clicking through my phone.
    "What is it?" He asks me, and I forgot he was even here in this moment.
    "A client, um I should call her.." I see his guitar on his lap along with his phone, open on his voice memos as he strums. "I'll go in the bathroom or something." I tell him, and he looks back to me.
    "You're fine, take the call here, whatever works." He tells me, and goes back to his instrument. I click her contact and press the call button, hearing it ring.
    "Bonjour.." She mumbles on the other line, and I mentally face palm.
    "Bonjour, Es- tu endormi?" I ask, speaking her common language.
    "Oui C'est bon." She mumbles, her voice obviously tired.
    "Oh je suis désolé...." I mumble, feeling bad for waking her up.
    "Est- ce important?" She asks.
    "Eh bien, non... non, ce n'est pas important." I confirm.
    "Appeler plus tard alors?" She asks.
    "Parfait!" I tell her. She hangs up, and I feel so bad, but my thoughts are turned when I see Harry turning to me."What?" I ask, throwing my phone down. He clicks his phone, and sets his guitar down.
    "I didn't know that you spoke french... I didn't know you spoke any language besides english." He admits, pulling a leg up on the bed and turning to me.
    "There's a lot of things you don't know about me." I tell him truthfully, knowing he's only scratched the surface.
    "I won't ask questions, I know today probably isn't the day to do that." He laughs lightly, and though the last time I had a day to think about my sister I was all tears and anger, today doesn't feel that way. I still feel that pang of missing her, but I don't feel it the same. I turn my phone on and look at the last call I made to Cindy, and I click on my voicemails, seeing the notification. I see my doctors number, and delete the message, knowing they're just checking in on me. I notice another voicemail, and the date on it, and forgot about it. I'm not exactly sure what it's from, or why it's here but this was dated years ago, something I never brought myself to delete, something I forgot existed, but seeing her contact there.
"Actually I wanted to ask you something..." I tell him softly and he opens himself up to me, turning fully.
    "Anything.. Go ahead." He tells me, and I toy with my phone, looking at the name on the screen, avoiding eye contact with him..
    "It's dumb actually... I haven't really.. Looked at any pictures, or videos of us, of me and Hayley since, and I haven't wanted to but I think... I think I want to today, I want to now, and there's this voicemail I still have, and I forgot it was even on my phone still, I have no idea what it says... I wanted to see if maybe you could, if you wanted to maybe-  We could uhm," I start stammering, feeling myself get red in the face, which is something I've hardly experienced in my life.
    "Do you want to listen to it together?" He asks me, saving me from my own words, and I look to him with my lips closed together, and then nod. "Lets have a listen then... I'll be here, I don't know why you'd think I'd say no to that El." He scoots himself close to me and I pull up my phone, going to my calls, scrolling to the only voicemail I have that I haven't deleted. My finger hovers over it for a second, and then I just press it, knowing if I wait any longer then I'll back out.
    "Hey sissy! I miss your sweet face. I've been caught up, and I know you have too but I was wonderin' if you'd want to go on a sister date? We could go to a movie or just eat, whatever you want! Call me back El, I wanna hear your voice." The line goes dead then, and I'm frozen in place where I sit, not knowing whether to cry or smile.
    "She sounds sweet." Harry breaks the silence, and I can't take my eyes away from the phone.
"She was the sweetest... The absolute sweetest." I tell him, and I do have tears in my eyes, but I can't tell what kind they are.
"Are you okay?" He asks me, his hands propping him up beside me, and I shrug my
shoulders.
    "I.. I don't know." I tell him truthfully. "Do you want to see pictures?" I ask, knowing he saw some yesterday, but asking anyways.
    "Of course, only if you're okay with it." He tells me, and I look to see him smiling, which makes me feel oddly okay. I go to my camera roll, knowing I've got so many pictures of us on there. I find some christmas pictures first, and then some from other disney trips we've had. Before I know it the two of us are laying down, my head on his shoulder, and I'm smiling. I got to pictures of us that weren't posted on instagram or twitter, just for me, videos of us acting like idiots, all causing both Harry and I to laugh.
    "She was funny too, you two were a lot alike weren't you?" He asks, looking down on me.
    "We spent too much time together so we picked up on each others habits.." I find myself staring at a picture of me sitting with my sewing machine, and her on the floor, holding a book, both of us cracking a smile for my mom as she walked in and wanted a picture. "I wonder if she'd be proud of me, or if she'd visit me in the city." I speak mindlessly, and he actually turns to me, taking me off of his shoulder.
    "You're joking right?" He asks, and I just look to him blankly. "Of course she would be proud of you, I think anyone who has any relation to you would be proud of all that you've accomplished, and considering how close the two of you were I think she'd be ecstatic to see where you are..." He tells me, and I shrug.
    "I'll just never know if she's proud... I'll never get to know." I tell him, clicking my phone off, my mood changing to hurt as I look at the picture for too long.
    "I'm proud of you... if that's any consolation." He speaks in a timid voice, as if he's afraid to say it. Though I'd like to pretend like it doesn't effect me, it does. My heart swells a bit at his words.
    "Why?" I ask, and he shrugs.
    "You're not the same person I met months ago, you've grown so much... and look what you're doing right now, something you haven't ever done." He points out, and I know he's right. The most important thing is that I'm proud of myself for talking about this, for talking to him about anything at all.
    "She would have really enjoyed being around you I think." I tell him, and realize how it sounded. "Knowing me when she was alive, and how secluded and focused I was, knowing how much fun we have, and your music, she would have loved you for sure." I tell him, and he smiles.
    "I'm not sure why that means so much to me, maybe because she means so much to you. I wish I could have met her." He tells me, and I know how my sister really would have been, she would have kicked my ass for not being with him the moment we slept together. Though if she hadn't passed away I'm not sure if I would have had the life I do now. I would have gone to New York still, but I might have met someone, actually dated someone, but there's no way I could know.
    "You mean a lot to me too." I tell him, and sit up right quickly. "I'm- oh I'm sorry." I apologize, not knowing what else to say, and I see him trying to hide a smile.
    "Don't apologize for your feelings, isn't that what you said?" He asks me, and I scoot off the bed.
    "It's not my- I'm not... I'm going to go shower, you can come if you want, I'll just be um- I'll be in the shower." I mumble, and walk into the bathroom, pressing my hands to the counter and squeezing my eyes shut at the same time. I open them after a second and stare at myself in the mirror. "Idiot." I mumble to myself. Why do I constantly dig myself into holes? Why? After a few more seconds of my questioning I hear the strum of a guitar, the same sound I've been hearing, the same tune I don't know, and I let that be my catalyst to get in the shower to hopefully wash away my stupidity.
I know that he won't say a word when I come out of the shower, but what I'm looking forward to is getting through this show and heading into my home state tomorrow. I'm not really sure how to describe what I'm feeling. I'm happy, I feel high if we're talking about Harry and I. But I'm sad, I'm sad knowing how unsure I am, and how scared I am. I'm sad because I'm missing something, I'm missing that someone who will tell me to fucking go for it, but not just anyone. I need my sister, and I can't have her.

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Song: Happy & Sad by Kacey Musgraves !

I love this story... y'all brace yourself for the next chapter it's going to be WILD!