sunflowers are not forever

one

entry one | december seventeenth

recently, i've been struggling. i'm not entirely sure why. i had therapy today which i thought was helpful in shoving brush out of my way. my path is a bit bombarded with branches and grass growing through the cracks in the sidewalk. 

there are things that i am not coming to terms with. either because i don't really know what they are or because i don't want to. i believe that it's both. as humans, we all experience the perilous track of uncertainty and certainty. we still and dwell on certain things while we push other things to the back of our brains.

today, i've brought some things to the surface. i've brought them out from the back of my brain and i am dwelling on them. i am sitting here today in my english class writing this. part of me feels like charlie from the perks of being a wallflower. which is an excellent book by the way. 10/10.

anyway, i don't know if im ready to admit the things i am thinking about or how i want to phrase it. i sit here and think though. i think of all of the challenges life has presented me and i want to go back to what i had. i want to go back to who i used to be but i don't think that i can. isn't that crazy? i think so.

i hope that one day we can all face our demons and i hope one we can all sit and figure out our problems together. but today, that is not the case. usually, i have good days. in fact, most days are good. but today, i began confronting some of my demons and it's one of my days. not necessarily good but not necessarily bad either. i think i'm still trying to figure it out. i will eventually. 

today is a day where i wish it was different. that maybe it is greener on the other side. but i know for a fact that the grass is only greener where you water it. and today is not a day where i am watering my grass. i'm observing my grass deciding how i want to take care of it tomorrow.

my room is a mess and i want to clean in. i have clean laundry in my baskets i want to put away. i have a messy mind that needs organized. 

i am a human who has stopped on the path and is observing the scenes around them. i am breathing in the trees, the grass, the sidewalk cracks, and the sky above me. not cloudy but not clear. i am a human who is breathing in the polluted air of the world and closing their eyes.

today, i am a human who is existing. 

today, i am just a human. being.