Homesick

It was a wet Wednesday evening, once again I was putting the bins out after closing up after a long afternoon at work. I was getting drenched and wanted to mimic the weather, I was on the verge of tears. It has been 6 long months since I'd last seen Van and the last time we'd spoken he'd drunkenly called me at 3 am on a Tuesday night. I'd woken up with a start to see Van's grinning face flashing on my phone, that was the first photo I'd ever taken of him, back in the good days when he actually acknowledged my existence and would happily take time off rehearsals to spend long evenings walking along the cost, talking about life and sharing a fag. Now his main priority was music and although he had every right to be dedicated to the success of the band, it always felt like I was number two. Whether that being forgetting to phone me, or staying away a few more weeks than planned he'd obviously taken dissent, and it's not if I hadn't noticed and although he'd tried to steer me clear of this place he'd wound up with nothing to show for it because although work was a shit hole, I wasn't going to get anywhere if I just spent my life following him around the world on tour, probably not even spending time with him just sitting backstage waiting for him to come off, it was a common theme with Van, the waiting. And it's not like I didn't miss him, I missed him endless amounts, I got so uptight and I hated it when he was gone but I would never let on to him.

I answered the call and wearily said, 'Hey Van, how's it going?'.

'Alright lass! How you doing?', although he was slurring I could already tell in his voice something was wrong. 'I've gotta tell you, something love, it's just we've been away from each other for so long and this gal', I knew instantly what was coming, 'I mean me and the lids have just been in this class bar and...' I felt numb, 'Larry introduced me to this one lass and well I...' just shut up Van, shut up tell me this is a joke I thought to myself, 'I'm so so sorry love I don't know what came over me, one minute she's sipping on her drink next she's snogging me face off and I do love you, you know Cari, it's just I worry about you and I'm having a hard time at the moment'.

His words were merging into one agonising sound, 'Yeah sure you are Van...' I whispered down the phone, it dropped from my hands and hit the floor with a heavy thud I dropped down with my head in my hands, I could still hear the background noise from the bar and Van rambling down the phone. Then silence. He'd hung up.

All I could hear now was my silent sobs, I looked up at the cocoon lyrics Van had once written for me, stuck to the wall, along with a picture of me sitting on Van's lap on a sofa in Larry's house. Head back, eyes shut, laughing at something stupid Van had said, whilst Van looked up at me eyes full of admiration, so much had changed since then. I could still hear his angelic voice the first time he played Cocoon in my room on his guitar, my eyes had glistened with tears as his floppy hair fell over his eyes. 'I love it when you do that, god I love it when you do that', he'd once sung to me. Shortly after he'd finished he'd contradicted himself, 'It's fine honestly if you don't like it, it's not even that good'. I stopped his words by pressing my lips against his to which he looked surprised before passionately returning the gesture.

Now that felt so long ago, I thought to myself as I climbed into bed and fell asleep sobbing into my pillow.

I made my way back to work, and there was Alex standing in the doorway as I trudged soaked to the skin through the Cafe doors.

'You alright love?', he asked before pulling me into a tight hug, 'Whoever it is, whatever it is they're a dick'. I'd always found Alex's presence so comforting and even though I normally dismissed his flirting, whenever Van was away, I always seemed to slip back into the routine, I always had been more of a flirt than Van and I sometimes thought my habits rubbed off on him. Alex found me a towel and offered me his sweatshirt, we stood behind the counter for a while as he made me a hot chocolate, and stood there listening to Nick Mulvey play in the background.

'Hang on hun, you have something there, just there', he brushed a water droplet off my cheek then tucked my hair behind my ear. I could smell his strong cologne, very different from what I was used to, Van's typical mix of coffee and fags.

He leaned closer whispering into my ear, 'you know I always love it when you look so innocent, but we both know you're not', he whispered winking at me.

'Well that's a bit hypocritical coming from you', I teased as I looked him straight in the eyes.

'Well I guess it is', he said pulling me closer by the hooks on my belt. He was leaning in closer and closer, oh god Cari what are you doing, I thought to myself. My doubts were interrupted by multiple thuds coming from outside. There was a loud bang on the door, and there stood Van Mccann drenched like a dog, I stood there mouth wide open for 7 seconds, stormed over and let him in.

'Van what the fuck are you doing here, you were in fucking Scotland!' I screamed at him.

He ignored me, pushing past and charging at Alex and pinning him against the wall. Even in this moment of pure rage, I had to admire his strength, Alex was a big guy as well.

'What the fuck were you doing with my girlfriend mate? He yelled as Alex struggled under his arms.

'Oi calm down mate', yelled Alex. I ran between them and tried to push Van off Alex, though my effort wasn't helping.

'Van, please stop it's my fault! Get off him', I cried, practically begging now. He finally let go, 'I'm so so sorry, I think you should leave Alex'.

'Yeah, fucking do one mate' Van yelled after him.

'Van actually shut the fuck up', I was shouting now. Alex left quickly and called out 'I think you need to sort out your boyfriend Cari'. Van proceeded to stick two fingers up at him.

As soon as the door shut I turned on Van, 'How dare you come in here pretending to be my boyfriend, you cheated on me you wanker' hysterically punching him with tears streaming down my face as he held my arms, it was a useless attempt, I had always been so much weaker and smaller than him.

'Cari, please calm down let me explain' he pleaded.

'No Van I don't see how you could say anything that could make this situation any better.'

'Look I'm not the type to call you up drunk you know I'm not, but I had some lies to tell. I never cheated on you Larry just made me think I did' he cried out, trying to control my manic sobbing.

'Bullshit Van, absolute bullshit' I said still bawling my eyes out with sadness turning to anger. 'Look this wouldn't have happened if you'd just agreed to come on tour with me love!' he exclaimed.

'What and leave my life here! The world doesn't revolve around you, Mccann. That's what you wanted not what I wanted, but it's always the same with you- everything that happens is because you want it that way. Just because you're now famous and successful and I'm still living here and working at this shitty cafe doesn't make me a charity case!' I was crying hard now swaying and pushing him away as he tried to comfort me.

'I'm only looking out for you', he whispered.

'It's obvious that's a lie, I only put out for you, you know it's obvious you don't try. What were you doing in that bar last week if you cared so much for me then? Flirting with girls I bet'

'You know I never used to flirt with other girls, I got that from you', he shouted at me.

'You never got that from me! You never got that from me! That's utter bullshit'

'Well you got that look from me' he said as my glassy eyes stared at him as I realised the loss I was going to have to experience to get out of this endless cycle I had been stuck in for too long now.

'I can't do this anymore Van...' I trailed off and turned away.

He yelled after me, 'You know I'm only looking out for you...'. I ignored him slamming the door behind me leaving a horrified Van as I trudged out into the dark night of Llandudno.