_________ "The way youspeak or yourself The way you degrade yourself Into smallness Is abuse" r.kaur ____________ Chapter 9
IT WAS LATE AND DARK IN MY ROOM, the only light streamed from whatever light the night provided me with. The light cascaded my messed up bed covers and reflected off the wall mirror.
I thought about how I was completely imperfect, wrong and unfixable.
At least that's what the mirror is telling me.
The mirror is telling me that my eyes are not similar enough to his. That I can't amount to perfection in her own eyes as she stares into another.
I'm not enough. I'm simply not enough.
"What's wrong with me?", I sadly stared at my reflection.
What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me?!
Why the hell am I not with her? Why hasn't she ever in our years of friendship looked at me in the way I look at her?
Why hasn't she looked at me like I was her sunrise? Like the sunrise which she loves to see in each and every early morning that she can. How can I look at her as though she's a thousand suns? Why do I let myself become so blind?
These questions keep stirring through my brain like a hurricane that only results in destruction. I'm in the middle of it all, the eye of the storm, watching as questions and the unanswered void torment me as I mourn for my dying heart alone.
I'm being dramatic though, right? It wouldn't be fair for me to feel as though I'm dying just because who I believe to be my other half does not see me as her own. It wouldn't be fair for me to feel this much and her, nothing at all, right?
I touched the wall mirror ever so slightly, and immediately examined my hair. My dead hair, no life to it at all. Maybe that's it, my hair. I sat exasperatedly on my bed and pulled at my hair frustratingly, closing my eyes as I gripped onto it so hard. As if when I tried to focus I'd find some stable ground.
I opened my eyes again and felt a tear stream down my face.
Maybe it's another physical aspect of myself that doesn't amount to her expectations. Something, it has to be something. My personality? Am I not a good person? Did I do something to hurt her or disrespect her?
"If so, then I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry...", I trailed desperately. I want to take back everything I didn't do right.
Am I not smart? I'm not an honours student like Damien, but I thought I was doing well. I've been trying, but it just isn't enough for her. Why?
I've been with her through so much, we've been through so much together. We've supported each other, made each other laugh. I knew what I felt was wrong from the beginning. I called it.
Would it serve as a good excuse to say I thought it would pass?
I felt my shoulders shake and felt my chest bubble up with melancholy laughter. Am I supposed to learn something from this? Is this a joke? A sick joke? What the hell could Damien accomplish with her that I haven't already figured out in the years I've known her?
"I just need to change... I just need... I need Amelia", I chocked on my words. I remained sitting on my bed, staring at the text she sent me.
Hey, you seem a little distant lately. I know that things have been shaky with us ever since I started dating Damien, not too sure as to why...
I continued to read.
I think we just need space from each other, a little break you know?
It's my fault.
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