My own reality

18

I am eating a bucket of ice cream at Mom’s place and staring at the TV screen. I have been here for two days but all Mom does is say ‘hello,’ or ‘goodbye,’ But I don’t really care. I don’t think I can feel anything apart from the gaping hole of pure sorrow and heartbreak.
I imagine what is happening at school right now. Piper and Cooper must be destroying someone else’s life and not giving a fuck about it. Tiffany has probably moved on and is dating someone else, someone better, or someone who is going to break her heart. Like I did...
I broke her heart.
I try thinking back to when I didn’t know her. It seemed impossible that Tiffany and I could ever be something. Then we actually became something, and now we are back to nothing.
I wonder why she dated me in the first place. I’m the weird nerdy boy who has only one friend and is every bully’s top pick. Maybe she was tired of the stereotypes, and wanted something different. But she said I am just like the rest of them. So I guess I’ve ended up as a stereotype too.
Nothing had felt so real. Being with her was always the highlight of my day. She made me feel things I had never felt in my life before.
Then I remember her crying, the tears streaking her face, ruining her makeup. She cried because of me. Because of me.
Here come the tears again. Every five or ten minutes, I think about what I did to her. I think about how I ruined a relationship so beautiful. I think about her moving on and forgetting about me and the tears would flow out and drop into the bucket of ice cream I’m hugging to my chest.
Occasionally, I would make myself lunch and dinner, or Mom would come home with pizza, but I never left the couch. Mom didn’t ask if I was okay...
Then I would cry again. I would cry because my parents hate me. Sometimes I would cry because it felt right.
Then I would blank out; turn the volume down to zero, and watch the cartoon scenes changing on the screen.
Is it possible to feel this way? Do other people go through this too?
I want my old life back. Where my only problems were wondering whether Mom still didn’t love me, where all my joy came from Tyler laughing at me getting bullied, and stargazing. Where Tiffany was just another crush walking down the hallway.
My heart clenches at the thought of her. This time no tears flow out, I think I have exhausted them all.
I have the sudden urge the fucking Cross twins. They have destroyed millions of lives and are destined to destroy more. They are the bad guys of this story.
But I know I can’t do anything about it. I can’t do anything about anything. All I do is sit on the couch, eat buckets of ice cream and watch muted spongebob.                      
Tiffany...