Missing Piece

PROLOGUE

I MASSAGED the crook of my neck when I finally poured the last ingredient to the pot. I am making an experiment, trying to discover new scents. I made three examples. Parehas na sangkap ang nilagay ko ngunit magkakaibang tantya nang paggamit. I am using natural ingredients and less alcohol because I am aiming for a child-friendly perfume. Sinusubukan kong gumawa ng cream-based, common kasi ang oil at water-based perfumes. Gusto kong maging simple lamang ang klase ng bango nito ngunit tumatagal sa balat.

I am facing three different pots, waiting for them to produce smoke which is an indication that it's ready. I'm just exploring right now, pumitas ng iba't ibang bulaklak, nagtadtad, nagdikdik, nagpakulo ng katas at ngayo'y naghihintay na lamang na ito ay kumulo.

I stared at the pots and just like that, my mind started to wander. I can't help but to look back where this all started, why I ended up being a chemist. I was in 12th grade when I decided to be a lawyer, I was so sure about it because I badly want to help Levi with the scandal their father got in. Nakulong kasi ang papa niya sa salang pagnanakaw. Ilegal na pagkuha ng pera ng mamamayang Pilipino. And yes, Levi's father is in the political field and no, it's not true that he stole money from them. He was framed up. I felt the eagerness to help them but something happened.

Something that changed everything. And it made me realized a lot of things like, why would I sacrifice a long term decision just because I felt the urge to help. Why would I take risk for someone who is not willing to do the same thing for me? It's painful how you're ready to catch bullets for them but they're not willing to do the same thing for you. There's no one to blame but myself, I did this to myself.

"Kaliyah, umuusok na." I woke up from my reverie when I heard my secretary's voice, Mikael. Tinapunan ko ito ng tingin at nakita ko ang pagdaan ng pagaalala sa mga mata nito. As much as I want to smile to assure him that everything's alright, I can't. I can't lie to him, I don't want to lie to him.

"Thank you for taking OT, you may take your leave." I said, not minding his stares that is obviously following every move I make. Pinatay ko na ang gas stove.

"Okay, call me if you need anything." He walk towards me and kissed my forehead. He stared at me for a couple of seconds before sighing and stepping away. "I'll go now." I nodded at him and he started to make his way out. Ibinalik ko ang atensyon sa pabango.

I slowly took the pots, one by one before putting it to different containers with the mixture of oils and shea butter that I made earlier. I looked at my wristwatch and saw that it's already 11pm in the evening and if I'm going to wait for these to completely turn into creams then I'll have to stay here all night. Di na rin masama dahil may pribadong kwarto naman ako rito. Maybe, I'll just spend my whole night here.

Nilagyan ko na lamang ng plastic wrap ang bawat containers. I remember, I was 9 years old when I first made my own scent. Hanggang sa tumungtong ako sa edad na kinse ay ito na ang naging pampalipas oras ko. But I started to forget making scents when I met Levi, I started to forget what I really want when I met him. Lahat ng siguradong bagay dati para sakin, biglang naging magulo. Simula kasi noong dumating sya, naging kasama na sya sa lahat ng plano ko.

Looking back into that memory, I cringed. Napatawa na lamang ako ng mahina nang maalala ang mga katangahan ko noon. I'm taking off the mask and the gloves I am wearing as I walk towards my private room. I placed my thumb at the small operating sensor and let it scan my finger print. The door opened and I went in.

Hindi pa ako tuluyang nakakapasok ngunit agad kong natanaw ang litratong sumakop sa halos kalati ang aking kisame na katapat ng aking kama. I took off my shoes, my pants and left my cycling shorts on together with my shirt. I crawled onto my bed and stared at my ceiling. Or I must say, the picture in my ceiling.

Ito ang nagsilbing tiga-kalma sa akin nung mga panahong hindi ko kinakaya ang lahat. My room was occupied with only 2 things, the picture and the bed. My fortress. My safe haven. Sa bawat paglapat ng aking likod sa matres ay siyang pagbungad naman sa akin ng litratong ito. This picture helps me get by, this picture is my everyday motivation.

This helps me overcome my sadness and my pain. Dahil sa litratong ito ay parang totoo sya. Sa pamamagitan ng litratong ito, nararamdaman ko ang presensya nya. And having that feeling, comforted me for 4 years now. I may not touch him physically but I can see him through this. I can see Levi through this. Sinong tanga? Sinong marupok? Syempre 'di ko na sya mahal ko pa sya.