Coping with Life

Friendships

Friendships. They're complicated for anyone. We can make friends either for life or for a short amount of time.  They change us; for us to become stronger as a person and having the wisdom on how to communicate with each other. My best friend (Sebastian) we have been talking since August 9th just catching up because we haven't talked in four years. Sebastian was one of the boys that I meet at camp.

He understands me and still does to this day. But he has been my rock since September 4th. He managed to calm me down when we had family dinner and my former stepdad was talking about respect and he then used an example; My first-grade teacher that recently died. When my stepdad used my first-grade teacher as an example I was balling my eye out and I was breathing heavy. My first-grade teacher did so much for me, and for my stepdad to do that knowing that my teacher wasn't even dead for a month he was to open that wound that affects me in so many ways.

 It still hurts to talk about him but I know that he is in a better place. So after dinner, I texted Sebastian and I told him what happened at dinner because my first-grade teacher was the first good man that was in my life since I was six and now at the age of seventeen he's gone. It was hard to talk to my mom or any of my siblings. He responded saying that he also had hard times and that talking about it helps. He also told me that he can be that person for me. For me to talk to or to call. To have a shoulder to cry on when I need it.

Sebastian has been there for me. He has taught me so many new things. Like when to forgive but to never forget what they did to you, to remember the small things, to learn more about my Christianity, to write more, and to know that he and my guy's friends, as well as my family, have my back. No matter what because that's friendships. They're full of love, bonds, and most importantly trust.

With Sebastian, I trust him with my life. The texts that we send to each other until one of us fall asleep, and we continue the text to the next day. We both have a bond that made us connected to one another. I don't know if I love him as a lover or a best friend, but I know that I was him and my guy friends in my life. through the good and the bad. It's worth seeing them because they make me want to be a better person than I already am. They have seen the damage that my father did to me but they only see how it made me stronger and they didn't judge me for what happened because I had no power back then but now I do.

I know that my struggles have defined who I am because when I was younger my heart was full of hope, but when I got older that started to fade. But Sebastian and my guy friends have managed to bring that back a little. I am now able to believe that it wasn't my fault. It never was; yeah physically I might not have those scars on my body, but on the inside emotionally they are full of fears, doubts about myself, to be able to love a boy or man every again.

Those are the things that I have to deal with in my life but I try not to let that define who I am today. I want to be stronger; for Sebastian, Kai, Adam, and Daniel. They make me think that I can do it. To move on and be able to love a boy that will treat me with respect and who will love me inside and out. For the scars that I have inside, that will be patient with me when I freak out or have a panic attack when there are too many people by me. I want to better for them and I will, someday. All I have to do is take it one step at a time. So when I do get there I hope that they will be proud of who I turn out to be in life. But I know one thing for sure. It's that I want Sebastian, Kai, Adam, and Daniel in my life.