Christmas Without Her

Kaylee, our black Labrador Retriever 

Died two Saturdays before Christmas

Her paws and sweet face white with age

Tail thumping almost to the end

I still think I hear it now and then 

She's underneath a maple tree in the middle of our backyard

With her leash and ball and Christmas blanket

We wrote messages on river rocks and laid them there

"Kind"

"Gentle"

"beloved"

My husband John inscribed in all caps; "THE WALK"

Early mornings with her favorite guy

Our granddaughter wrote,

"I love you with all my heart

My favorite things about you were

Your tail wagging when you were excited

Your hair getting everywhere

Cuddling

Meeting me at the door

Showing me your 'babies'"

Kaylee's "babies"

Stuffed animals with squeakers

Carried them in her mouth like a proud mama

Prancing around showing them off insisting they be admired

Until

The squeaker called to a primal part within

Stitching ripped, stuffing flew 

And a forlorn pooch sat in the middle of the carnage

Hanging her head

Eventually, a new stuffed toy appeared and it started all over again

A squeaker sound woke me up last night

I mumbled to John,

"Uh-oh, Kaylee killed her 'baby'"

It doesn't sound cute anymore

Our son called during her last hours

Talked to her on the speakerphone

Told her how much he loved her, what a good girl she was

Her eyes brightening, tail swishing for the love of his voice

Our daughter canceled a trip to stay close

Tried to hand feed her

Whispered things in her ear

 Bought a Christmas ornament with her picture on it

Eventually, Kaylee stopped coming into the house

John and I sat outside with her through the long night 

And questioned our decision for home hospice

Instead of euthanasia

But her tired eyes held no accusation

Only love

After she passed, anger was a freight train

I clean when I'm angry

Cleangry

Scrub, mop, scour, toss

Not to erase her

Those black hairs are like Christmas tinsel

They'll be with us forever

One sat on my toast this morning

No, not to erase her

But to clear the way for happy memories

To return

I spilled crackers today

Waited for the longest time

But she didn't come

So I cleaned them up by myself

As I prepare our house for Christmas 

She's not watching, not getting in the way

Her pleasure to see me is an

Empty 

Aching 

Space

We're looking forward to family

Lights and gifts and music

Noisy, messy, joyful

A feast of favorite recipes wafting through the house 

Like an aromatic symphony raising appetites to a crescendo   

Children and adults will sneak Kaylee morsels of food under the table

But she won't be there

We'll bring everyone to the nativity scene on the fireplace hearth

Where she used to knock down the three wise men  

And show them that Grandpa put a plastic likeness of our Kaylee 

In front of baby Jesus 

Enjoy the journey, sweet girl

I'll see ya soon 

We'll go for a walk without a leash