Hope This Helps

3

I find it harder to fall asleep at night because it's the only time I am left alone with my thoughts and fears. My ex has graduated early and started his master's degree. It makes me second guess leaving college, even though I'm leaving for me. I am filled with thoughts of possible relationships and of the bonds I created with the horses. Not to mention my bonds with the people I've met and worked with. I dream about being there, but not actually being there. I want so badly to go back, but I can't. College was destroying me mentally and sometimes physically. I'm not made to be in college right now and I keep telling myself that it's okay that I'm not ready.

The thoughts of 'what if' play in my head. I can't stop them, and they keep getting worse. I need to get this out of my head because I am going crazy. If I tell my mother she tells me it's okay and that I've made my decision after a lot of thought. It doesn't help, but writing it out does. Expressing it on a forum where no one knows who I am helps. I often talk to my grandmother who died years ago because she was the person I went to for my problems when she was alive.

My anxiety is high, even though there's no reason for it to be. I think that makes it worse in a way. I will get through this. I will fight my way out of the doubt that's piling up and I will keep moving forward. This is temporary, I am going back to college and getting a biology degree. I'm just not reaching for that goal yet, I'm not strong enough to succeed in that yet. But one day I will be, and then I will get my degree. For now I only have one goal. My goal is to find a job, that's it. No expectations, just the one small goal. After that I will plan my next small goal. I will make getting to my future manageable and not look at the entire picture. Taking my life in small steps like I would do a difficult puzzle helps to stave off the major anxiety.