Hope This Helps

2

I wrote my first entry to this post over a year ago. I didn't realize it then, but I would forget about this project. I am turning 21 in 7 days and would like to update anyone who reads this about what has happened in the time I've been gone. 

I recently made the decision to drop out of college for a number of reasons. The most pressing one was that I found out that I was never going to be able to become a veterinary. I have an issue with both of my wrists that causes me to not be able to safely operate as a vet. I am trying to find out exactly what's going on with it, but until I know I cannot continue down this path. This isn't all bad though. I will be taking a job as a vet assistant or vet tech soon, so I'll still be able to help animals. I'm still following my dream, it may be a slightly different path than I once thought, but it is still following my dream.

I started knitting and I love it. I've gotten pretty good, right now I'm making banners for the horses that have been lost at the barn I used to ride at. Almost all of them were ones I knew and loved. 

I continued my riding lessons in Dressage. I recently went to my very first Dressage show and won third place in my class. I was both thrilled and scared to be going to my first show. I was on a pony named Comet, he is one of the ponies from the barn I ride with. He can be stubborn and rude, but we work well together. I found a way to express myself, I found it through my lessons and the horses I've worked with. Now that I am out of college I will need to find a new barn to ride at, but I am going to continue to ride. Going out in front of a panel of judges, just me and Comet, and showing them how well we communicate despite me never saying a word. I had to put myself in that bubble, and show off every aspect of who I am and who Comet is in just a few minutes of a routine called a test. To most Dressage shows at my level are boring and some even say robotic, but if you look at it with the knowledge of what's actually happening, it is a beautiful thing. 

I've been working on my depression and anxiety over that last year or so and have made big steps. I even went to a few parties, I hung out in my friend's room but I went. I even tried to find a significant other, but that didn't really work out. Still in the singles club, but that's okay. I hope the message in the first entry touched some of you and inspired you to keep going. That's all I want for this post, to reach out and help someone. At first I thought about keeping a journal for when I was having bad days, but then I thought about how I could use my experience to maybe help people. 

My friend recently started going to a therapist to get help managing his depression, and I couldn't be prouder of him. He is an amazing person who has helped me through so much and has been the best friend. He has a rough time with showing his true colors because he is afraid of how his mother will react. This caused him to hide the truth from even himself before coming to college. He has come so far out of his shell that he built and he now accepts this part of him. One day he will tell his mother, but for now all he needs to do is take care of himself. 

I call my group my drunken kittens because trying to keep them all safe is like trying to keep hyper kittens in a box. I adore each one of them, but they test my patience at every turn. My witch friend is allergic to cinnamon, do you know what she does? She goes out and eats it, then she complains about not feeling great. I love her to death though and wouldn't trade her for anything. The entire group is like this. They each have a food allergy, and wants to eat said food anyways. All except one, but he is a whole other story for me to worry about. We will call this friend Sub. 

Sub is in a fraternity, phi tau. They are the only frat house that I'm comfortable around, mostly because they have good guys in the house. Sub is a stick of a man, but thinks he's fat. It makes me roll my eyes even thinking about it. He is kind and an amazing guy, but he has self doubt and self hate. I've only known him for a little over a year, and in that time I tried to help him to feel better. He thinks he is ugly, but believe me when I say he is very far from ugly though he never believes me when I tell him. I wish that I could have stayed and been there for him when he has bad days, help pick him back up. I worry about him the most sometimes because he uses work and school to hide behind from all of his worries and doubts, and feelings. He deserves the absolute best and then some. I am going to continue to be in his corner even though I'm not there, and maybe I can help him realize that he isn't what he believes. 

I found a group of people who may be falling apart, but at least we are falling apart together. We support each other whole heartedly, unless we do something stupid, then it's a lecture. I urge anyone reading this to find their people, find a family who you can always be yourself around. If it wasn't for them I probably would be in a worse place. Each one has helped me to realize parts of me I had forgotten exist. My witch friend awoke the spiritual connection in me, Sub helped me to wake my helpless romantic side and so on. Now I am learning about herbs and how to build up an apothecary of my own foraged herbs. I meditate with crystals, read tarot when I need help in my life. I love myself more, and have found that my world is so much brighter because I have my tribe. 

Find your tribe, live your life to the best and love yourself because there's no one else in this world like you. Express that weird quirk you have, and never give up on following your dreams. Now that I'm done being cliché and weird, I am saying good luck to everyone in their lives. I am the mom of my group and can't help but get sappy, and I consider each one of you reading this as my own people. So if you ever need mom advice I'm always here and ready to help. 

Until the next entry,

Fluffball2