Hope This Helps

4

It is that time of year again, having to pretend I am okay while I am not. We all have people we have lost and it makes it hard around these times. This is especially true for those who have lost the glue that kept their family together. You spend the holidays wishing things were as they were when the person was alive, that the person lost was alive. 

My grandmother died when I was around ten, lung cancer, she was the glue that kept my family together. When she died our family did as well, people took sides on a fight and the family was torn apart. Though I'm not sure they would have stayed even if she was alive, they were selfish and greedy people. The thing I miss the most though is having my grandmother here, being able to talk to her. We were extremely close, she was a second mother to me. She was my support, the one I knew I could go to when I had problems and not be judged. She was an amazing person who cared for any person she could. 

It makes it hard when holidays and my birthday come around, knowing she isn't there to watch me grow up. I know she is looking down at me from wherever she is, I know she is always with me even if I can't see her. This is usually comforting when I need to vent to her or I need hope I know I can start talking and she will listen. But during times of celebration it makes it hurt all the more because I know she is watching, but we aren't together. 

My dad's parents are the only grandparents that I have, and though I love them, I have to pretend to be okay and it makes me feel guilty. I want to be happy during these times, for them. I feel bad that I am numb and a shell of who I am around this time of year. I hate that all I can think about is what I used to have, and about how the family I have now is small and falling apart. My parents don't see it, and when I tell my mom how I feel about it she brushes it aside as me dramatic and seeing things that aren't there. She says I read too much into things, but I know I'm right. So I go to my friends who have experienced the same situation and I find comfort in sharing our pain and comforting each other.

So if you are in a similar situation know that you don't need to feel guilty. If you have lost a close family member, friend or other it is okay to be sad during these times. Grief is something we can't control and it isn't a bad thing, but don't let it consume you. Find someone to talk to about how you feel, someone who can relate. Share your pain, let yourself be comforted. Take care of yourself in any way you can. 

I hope for a healthy new year for everyone here and around the world. We need to band together as a species and take care of each other with love and understanding instead of hate.