My Twentieth Year: December 2019

The One About Beclabito

Daylight savings
The sky is dark at 5, and we
Are exhausted by 8
To him, I explain my conspiracy
I think They have set us back
two hours instead of one,
To keep us sleepier, now,
for Their own purposes
(the identity of They
is a mystery even to me).
We are driving in his car
To his home town,
where I am going to get to see
his old bedroom
and all his old haunts,
His origin story
We are rushing to beat the
Snowstorm, which looms
over our heads.
***
We are rushing to beat
The storm, and I am thinking
of Michelangelo's
Creation of Adam, I am thinking how
God is reaching with great difficulty,
and how Adam
Lounges, waiting for God
to be close enough,
For it is not Adam who needs to be born,
But God who needs to
Birth him
in His image.
As I am thinking this he says, "It really is a wonder
whether we are driving up in elevation
or down!"
I laugh, because it's funny
that two people so near each other
at exactly the same time and place
Can be on two different wavelengths
I love him, I love him, I love him
***
This is Farmington!
This is main street!
This is where he used to drink,
and where he used to get bad haircuts,
and where one of his cousins works,
and the street he used to live on,
in his first apartment
Off the res.
Now it is gone
That is all of main street.
***
His parents meet us in Farmington
Where we have breakfast for dinner
His accent, which he tries to hide,
Gets thicker in places
around them.
His mother shows us
All the cousins back in Albuquerque
Filming the snow,
which we barely missed,
And his mother teases, but not really teases,
about wanting a grandchild.
He looks away and refuses a response, and I
play in the syrup left on my plate.
It is 8:40 now, we realize with chagrin
Tap out!
K.O.!
Three hours in the car
has killed us.
***
There is a giant metal bison facing
A giant
Metal
Bear
outside of our hotel!
A very auspicious sign indeed, as
The bear is my animal, as the bear
Is me
But our hotel room has mirrors
which face each other, which to me
Is a very, very inauspicious sign,
and very dangerous when it comes
to the topic
Of portals.
I try not to stand between them,
try to keep the bathroom door shut,
And I worry about our dreams tonight
I pray to Saint Michael for protection
from night terrors.
***
We leave Farmington, Shiprock bound,
To his family home on the reservation
He points it out, says,
"That there is Shiprock,
and that mountain to the right, there,
that's my home."
I have never seen it in person before,
and I think to myself that people have used this
Igneous giant as a landmark
for centuries
upon centuries,
And the tears which I had stored
behind wide eyes
Spill over on contact, doomed
to streak my cheeks
from the start.
***
He is pointing out
Which land belongs to which family, tells me
Each family stays somewhat close,
live like neighbors to each other,
And take care of each other.
In Diné tradition,
when someone dies in a house,
you abandon it.
Shells of homes, trailers,
they stand
Like skeletons posed,
and dot the landscape.
***
His grandmother lived
and died
in the family home, and his mother
keeps the room
Just as it was, still calls it
Mom's Room.
Across the hall, that's his room,
also intact,
A teenage time capsule, nevertheless used
For its TV.
I urge him to clean, to free up the space
He will never again occupy,
but he's reluctant.
I don't understand, well
I do and I don't, but
that's neither here
nor there.
***
Before the meal, there is the prayer
It is said over a jug of water,
to bless it and make holy, and all of us
Are to take a sip from the same cup
and pat down every part of ourselves
To make sure its blessing gets
everywhere.
His mother warns me about her crying,
and I tell her, "I will cry too,"
and she laughs, and I think
she feels better. She still worries
I won't understand the words
but everyone else laughs, assures her,
"We don't understand half of it either!"
The prayer is beautiful, and she includes
Each of our names, his
Twice, and the tears which I had stored
Spill out again, and I feel
so lucky,
And we eat our Thanksgiving meal
with homemade frybread
And thick homemade tortillas,
And it's the best Thanksgiving
I've had to date, and I am thankful, and it's all
worked out, and everyone leaves early
And it's not a big deal because
Everyone is comfortable with each other,
and he and I stay in his bedroom for a while,
watching Harry Potter
and the Chamber of Secrets.