THE SILENT SCREAMS

IM SCREAMING! CAN YOU HEAR ME?

*Please turn on music*

2019/ 11/18

Dear Diary,

I've always found it hard to express my thoughts and feelings to people. Many times people tend to ask me, "why are you so quiet?". I just smile, laugh and shrug. Honestly, I wished I weren't so quiet. I wished I had shared my emotions easily. But...I just don't know how to start. I try to speak, but my words get frozen within my swollen lungs. So in the end, I just stare and think. But you see...I know I'm quiet most of the time, but my mind is L O U D. My mind is S C R E A M I N G. I spend most of my time, talking to myself...talking to the walls. To you, I might seem crazy, you might even say I'm a lunatic. Well, I don't really care but...that is just my way of easing the pain, frustration, and anger I have...not to the people around me but...but to myself. I H A T E MYSELF. At times I wished I wasn't born. But then again...what's the difference?...being born or not...either way I'm still invisible to the people around me. I might be sitting behind them, beside them or even right in front of them...yet they wouldn't notice me. How pathetic is that...huh? Every day I find it hard to wake up because...BECAUSE MY DREAMS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN BETTER THEN MY REALITY! If you ask me, I wish I could be in my dreams forever. Sometimes thoughts like "my parents would have been happier without me around " or "I'm just a burden to others"...they keep me awake at night. You know... if I could make one wish and it would come true. I...I wish that my mind and thoughts would STOP reminding me every night about how bad and worthless of a person I am. My demons...they tell me to kill myself...they tell me you don't need to feel this way...they tell me that I could be free...free to be myself...free to say what I want to say. But...but I am NOT weak, I know damn well that I can fight through this. I just need someone...someone to hear me out, someone I could scream... shouts...and cry to. Someone...just someone I could hug and share my deepest thoughts and feelings. But I'm starting to have doubts that someone like that even exists in this world. A world that's full of war and hatred. Would there even be time for someone to care for others? PEACE...LOVE...CARING...KINDNESS...words like those will never make sense to the people of this world. You can only depend on yourself...you can only depend on GOD. PAIN...SUFFERINGS...LONELINESS you can only endure them. That's all we can do. There's no trust in this world. You can't trust anyone, not even the people closest to you. I feel helpless...HOPELESS. There's is nothing more to hope for. I'm screaming as loud as I can, but no one seems to hear me...why...just tell me why...why can't anyone seem to understand me? I'm trying my best...to be a good person...like they want me to be...am I still not good enough? .... I'm SORRY.