After multiple run-ins with death and many shocking self-discoveries in the course of a few months, all America Evans wants to do is hide away in Washington with Steve until she finds out who she really is. But life as an Avenger doesn't allow for a...
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AMERICA'S POV
It's okay. You're safe. It was only a nightmare.
I wish it was easier to convince myself, but I have to repeat those words every night. There's no respite for me. No peace.
I go back to bed, but as soon as I doze off, dreams plague me again, dreams so awful and vivid that I stop sleeping altogether. Dreams of blood and weapons and screams and shame. Each night, I get about two hours of sleep at the most. I spend the rest of it reading or wandering the hallways. I would go bother the only other person I know who would be active at three in the morning, but I don't know where Bruce is.
Dark circles form under my eyes from the lack of rest, and Fury clears me for training but I have no energy to do it. I can't understand for the life of me why the nightmares are back now, and worse than ever. And every time someone suggests getting help, I adamantly refuse. Doctors still scare me, and besides, they're frequent characters of my dreams.
About a week after part of the team leaves, I wake with a start, gripping my blankets tightly. The stench of blood still lingers in my nostrils as I try to convince myself that it wasn't real. Just a dream. Just a dream. I'm safe. I'm halfway to Steve's room when I realize that he isn't there. He's gone. I'm on my own.
"Valeria?" Wanda's timid voice whispers. She stares at me through the crack in her door, still in leggings and an oversized shirt. "It's two in the morning."
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I know what time it is, I just-" My words tumble over each other, trying to make up excuses for my behavior. She steps out into the hallway, hair falling over her eyes, concerned for me.
"You don't look fine. What is it?"
I hesitate, but decide to tell her. "Nightmares. They're getting bad again."
"I can help you with those, if you want."
Red light dances around her fingers, and I involuntarily back up as far as I can. She's the witch, she'll mess with your mind even further. You think you're broken now? She'll completely shatter you.
"Stay away from me," I hiss, tears springing to my eyes. This isn't me. With my lack of sleep, I'm not thinking properly at all. She looks menacing in the dark, ready to strike.
"Val-"
"Stay out of my mind!"
"Valeria!" Her voice breaks. "I would never-"
"Please stay away," I bite out. Her big brown eyes widen in shame and she retreats into her room. As soon as I've sent her away, guilt fills my stomach. She was just trying to help.
"What's going on?" asks another sleepy voice. Sam. He's been in Washington for a few days and must've gotten back tonight. I don't know how I missed him. He eyes me with exhaustion. "America?"
"Sam, hi."
"Are you okay?"
"Nothing, Sam, it's nothing."
"Doesn't sound like nothing. You girls screaming at each other in the dead of night. Grab some shoes, you need some air." After I slide on sneakers and a sweatshirt, he puts an arm around my shoulder and firmly steers me towards the doors.
The wind chills me to the bone, but I ignore it, listening to Sam's steady footsteps as we walk down a trail. He doesn't say anything at first, giving me time to gather my thoughts. Looking back, I shouldn't have said any of that to Wanda. I shouldn't have blocked myself off. But I did. This is why no one can stand or trust you.
Sam shoved his hands in his pockets. "So, are you gonna tell me, or do I have to ask?"
"I haven't been sleeping," I answer, my voice barely loud enough for him to hear me. But he does, and he frowns.
"Nightmares?" I nod. "I'm sorry. That can be rough. "How long has it been since you got a full night's sleep?"
I think it over. "The night before Steve left."
"America, that was a week and a half ago. You need to rest," he says, but he doesn't push me. Sam understands what I'm going through, and he isn't going to force me into anything. It's comforting knowing that he'll let me go at my own pace.
"Every time I fall asleep, there's another one." I face him, the moonlight being the only thing illuminating either of us. "I'm scared, Sam."
He puts his hands on my shoulders. "I know. But you can't move on until you face it."
"But how can I move on when I don't even know what I'm moving on from?" A tear slips down my cheek, cold in the early November air.
"I don't know," he admits. "With help."
"I'm sorry. I really am. I shouldn't be blocking myself off from everyone else. I know that. I just... I don't know how to do this."
"Hey, it's okay." He gives me a hug, and I don't move from it. I need a hug so badly right now. It's nice to remember that someone cares.
"I miss Steve," I mumble into his chest. "It was easier with him here."
"I know. He'll be back in a few weeks, you just wait. And then you'll get married and you'll be stuck with him forever."
"I don't get it. I'm so messed up, Sam. Why does he even want me? I'm a nobody who's more trouble than she's worth."
"Because you are the only one who makes him feel normal. He told me that, before he proposed. You should have seen him when you were unconscious all those weeks. He never left your side unless someone made him. Helovesyou. Never doubt it."
"I'm not worth all of this."
"Yes, you are."
I give him a thin smile. All of these protective boys. Steve, Pietro, Sam. "I wish I could believe you. I treated my little sister like garbage tonight just because she wanted to help me. And I can't even handle myself."
He shakes his head. "America, one thing they teach you in the military is that not everything needs to be handled solo. We're all in this together."
I sigh, letting as much negativity as I can out in that one exhale. "Thank you."
"Anytime. Come on, let's head in. It's cold out." The two of us walk back into the compound, and Sam offers me a place in his room rather than being by myself. It's a very tempting offer. I don't want to be alone.
"I need to apologize to Wanda first," I protest, but a yawn escapes my mouth.
"What you need to do is to rest," he says firmly. "The two of you can talk it over tomorrow. And then we can go for a run or something." He kicks his shoes off. "You can have the bed, I'll take the couch."
I rub my eyes. "Thank you so much."
"It's no problem. Until you learn how, someone has to take care of you. Wake me up of you have any nightmares, okay?" He waits for me to nod in agreement, and I do. I climb into bed and close my eyes. Exhaustion sets in the moment my eyes close. For the first time in weeks, I dream of nothing.
