she | ethma

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aaron was incredible. he truly was. he was a bandaid after a bad fall. he is my current fiancé. being 23 years old brought those sort of things and responsibilities into your life, right?

reminiscing in my favourite city, New York. this place was a dream, i have loved it since i was 18. i'd take solo breaks all the time- i haven't been here since i was 19 though, didn't have time and started to focus on aaron and i.

so when aaron told me he had to go to a wedding of his friends, it's the first thing that popped up in my crazy head. it reminded me of those good, innocent or not so innocent times.

reminds me of a boy i loved back then.

i had adored the dolan twins for so long and then my life just turned so damn quickly during that time. millions of people started to watch me and i felt pressure- i won't lie.

but with pressure came people and things that sometimes took that pressure off of my shoulders for a while.

he was that one thing. that one person.

it was a dream meeting the boys, becoming their friend and spending a big part of life with them. i loved them. still do. i haven't seen them since the summer of 2019.

falling in love with ethan was scary and overall a mess. he tried so damn hard to hide it from everyone due to our subscribers and press- i felt like i was forever going to be a secret.

i can't blame him at all though because we were extremely vulnerable under the limelight of millions of people and the hottest topic every other week. it was draining and yet again- a lot of pressure but i couldn't help but still try.

i learned to love myself because of him. although i wasn't shown off by him to the world, in our world? that was completely the opposite. everyone knew that ethan thought i was the most beautiful girl in the world. he showed me that in bed. he showed me that in-front his friends. he showed that to me.

our world was full of drama, sex, love and a whole lot of mistakes. arguments happened everyday but that was us and we were so completely and utterly raw. everyone knew it. i adored him. solely adored him and all of his flaws.

it took me so long to get over the fact we just didn't work and that the only best thing for us was to stop everything. to stop and to go. he wanted to see the world and quite frankly i didn't have the time.

i wanted the world and quite frankly he couldn't provide that for me.

so then i met aaron and i was in a place of self love so everything felt 10 times amazing. i was glowing and i was happy. proud of myself for letting of e.

aaron and i were great and i mean we still are. i just can't ever drop the feeling of feeling like i went to the next best thing after my breakup with ethan. guilt is always by my side for thinking like that but i secretly think aaron is aware i feel that way. i just haven't come to terms with that.

i don't think i ever will. i will never comprehend the feelings ethan gave me. how alive i felt. how good he made me feel. how he changed everything.

but i was reminded when i bumped into him in the busy streets of new york. with his girlfriend.

a sight that could make anyone who breathes feel like the air is getting too thick.

a sight that reminded me of who i am and what i have.

a sight that reminded me of what we were and what we had.

it was us but we just had some space in between us.

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this book will be by far my favourite to write. the storyline i have prepared is insane. when you ship both so you make a fan fiction about both.

love you all!!!