The Summer at Camazotz

Fourteen

The next morning comes way too soon.

I'm not sure what time I crawled through the window last night. All I know is that it was well after midnight and I did not get nearly enough sleep to function through today's activities.

It especially doesn't help that my campers seem to be extra energetic today and complain that I'm not moving fast enough as we make our way to the mess hall. I'm too tired and nervous to respond. I settle for a half-hearted smile and hope that their energy dwindles a bit more quickly today.

Once we reach the mess hall the boys run to their respective tables as I all but drag myself to mine. Astrid looks at me with a raised brow as if to ask, what the hell happened to you? I let out a yawn and rub my tired eyes. She seems to get it and gives me a comforting smile. One thing I love about Astrid: you don't even have to tell her what's wrong for her to know.

A tired glance around the table tells me that Jordan is still not here to which I feel both relieved and disappointed. I had been hoping that he would be his usual self upon my arrival and everything would go back to being easy and uncomplicated. On the other hand, I'm glad that I don't have to face him just yet. I can use the few minutes or seconds I have to pull myself together and make it through this breakfast without royally screwing things up.

"Carter?"

My head shoots up at the sound of my name. Tammy looks at me expectantly while Astrid gives me a sad smile. "Hm?" I say, rather intelligently.

"I was asking if you were going to get some breakfast." she pauses before asking, "Are you sure you're okay? You don't look too good." She frowns as she looks me up and down, trying to decide whether or not I'm in the right state of mind to grab myself some eggs.

I wave off her concern and rise from the table. "Yup, better than ever. I'm coming."

I make a beeline for the food station and quickly scoop some eggs onto my plate. Snatching some bacon and pouring myself a fresh cup of apple juice, I start heading back to my seat when the door suddenly opens. A bundle of boys run in, their counsellor just a few steps behind them. I squeeze my glass tighter to avoid dropping it and quickly make my way back to the table. I can feel Jordan's eyes on me, but I don't dare look up.

"That's odd," Astrid mumbles, her brown eyes scanning the door. "It's not like Jordan to be late for breakfast. Or any meal for that matter."

"Must've slept in," I say, before shovelling eggs into my mouth to avoid any further conversation.

"Oh, no, he is definitely a morning person," Astrid says matter-of-factly, her gaze lingering on Jordan's form. She probably means nothing by it, but the comment makes me rather uncomfortable. I force myself to swallow my eggs, suddenly feeling less and less hungry.

"Oh?" Tammy's face lights up, her lips quirking up into a smile. "And you would know?"

Astrid's face immediately flushes as I push my plate away from me, hunger completely gone.

Have I missed something? Is there something going on between Jordan and Astrid? A million thoughts swirl around my head, none of them making me feel any better about the situation at hand. My mouth feels dry as I imagine a smiling Jordan leading Astrid to the mess hall late at night with no one else around to distract them. It shouldn't bother me, not when there isn't even anything going on between Jordan and I. He isn't mine to have, so why shouldn't Astrid be allowed to make a move?

But Jordan said he tricked Astrid into thinking we were an item so that she would give him the keys. Did he really do that? Or did he tell her the truth when he got back to his cabin last night?

The fact is, Jordan and I are not together and we probably never will be. We'll be friends for the summer and then go our separate ways once camp is over and reality hits. Me and him—we wouldn't work outside of Camazotz, not that we work here anyway. Yet the thought of us as something more is what fuels these thoughts. The idea of there being an us. In a world where I'm not so nervous and worried all the time, one where I can reach out and grab his hand. But is that even me? Is Jordan the kind of person that I'm supposed to be with?

"Carter?"

I flinch as I recognize the speaker's voice. Lifting my head, I see Jordan looking at me with a worried expression on his face. Tammy and Astrid have also stopped what they were doing to glance at with curious eyes.

"I'm fine, sorry," I say quickly.

Sensing the slight irritation behind my words, Jordan drops the subject and fixates himself on his own breakfast.

Astrid looks between me and Jordan, as if she's trying to figure out if there's something that she's missed in the last ten hours. I don't meet her gaze, not wanting to answer the silent questions she's firing at me—at us. After a minute of silent interrogation, she drops it and continues talking to Tammy about some people at her school.

Jordan and I remain silent for the remainder of breakfast and it takes everything in me to not run out the door.

☼ ☼ ☼

The day goes by agonizingly slowly as I had expected.

Thankfully, my and Jordan's cabins were not paired up today so I didn't have to worry about awkward small talk that would definitely end in me saying something I'd regret. Instead, I've been paired with Astrid, which I can't tell is better or worse.

After this morning, my suspicious feelings about Astrid and Jordan have only grown and I'm sure it's obvious that something is bothering me. Throughout the entire time we were at the aerial park, I could see that Astrid was looking at me from time to time in an attempt to decipher what exactly I was feeling. I simply had focused on encouraging the campers and helping them with their gear.

Now, sitting on the steps of my cabin while the campers run around, take swings at the tetherball, or lie on the grass, pointing at the clouds, I almost feel relaxed.

Until Astrid marches up to me, a determined look on her face.

I lean back on my elbows and look up at her. She crosses her arms and looks down at me as she pouts. "Why are you mad at me?"

I raise a brow at her accusation. "What? I'm not mad at you."

She sighs, exasperated, and sits down next to me. She runs a hand through her hair, her right leg bouncing ever so slightly. "Well it sure feels like it. Look, I don't know what I did to you, but whatever it is, I'm sorry, okay? I don't want to have bad blood between us when we're supposed to be working together."

"Astrid, I just said I'm not mad at you," I say. The sooner she drops this, the sooner I can go back to brooding in peace.

She turns her body towards me, eyes set on mine. "Really? Then what the hell was that at breakfast this morning? Or all of today when we were with each other for hours and you wouldn't say a word to me. Was I just imagining that?"

I sigh, rubbing my face with my hands. "I just. . . I'm really tired today and I'm not feeling like myself. It's nothing personal, I'm just trying to get through this day."

Astrid folds her arms across her chest, head tilted up. "Is that the same excuse you're telling Jordan?"

I sit up at the mention of Jordan and give Astrid a hard stare, hoping she gets the message that I am not in the mood for this. "From what I remember, he wasn't exactly Mr. Chatterbox with me either, so I don't see why what I do matters."

Astrid leans in and drops her voice to a whisper. "Maybe because I helped you guys sneak into the mess hall last night, which by the way, could get me into a lot of trouble."

I roll my eyes and let out a disgruntled humph at that. "Yeah, well, thanks. But don't worry, it won't happen again."

Before she can respond, I stand up and walk toward the campers playing with the tetherball. They smile upon seeing me approach and proceed to tell me all about the game they've played. As they talk, I try not to focus on the uneasy feeling settling in my stomach and grin back at them.

Astrid doesn't know what she's talking about, I tell myself.

But do I?