The Summer at Camazotz

Twenty-One

The first few days go by in a bit of a blur. Days blend together and memories become difficult to pin down to an exact date.

Each cabin has been doing fairly well, some having better days than others. I have no idea how many points my cabin has or what the others' have. Everyone is feeling the pressure to compete as best as we can and beat the other cabins for top spot.

Some days are really fun; the days where we all momentarily forget about the competitive side to this week and just enjoy hanging out together, playing games, joking around, and overall having fun.

Other days are not so good. While the majority of the campers have bonded with those in different cabins, some have been hellbent on making enemies. They accuse each other of cheating when their own cabins don't win and taunt and jeer at each other when they do. I had been getting hopeful that I wouldn't run into issues like these, but Cabin Face-Off continues to prove me wrong.

As for Jordan and I, things have definitely taken a turn in our relationship. The past days have included sneaking kisses when no one's looking and whispers of things neither Jordan nor I would dare say out loud for someone to hear. My previous nerves have calmed tremendously and I feel much more comfortable around him than I did last week.

Our relationshipㅡif you can even call it thatㅡis still very new and fresh. I think this is what people call the honeymoon stage, but having never dated anyone before, I have absolutely no idea. What we have is delicate and fragile; one wrong move and I'm scared that I'll ruin it.

Not only is it hard never getting a moment alone, but Cabin Face-Off has been. . . intense. Jordan and I have had a slight competitive streak from the start of camp and it only grows more and more with each passing day. By day, we're competitors vying for the crown; by night, we're two boys sneaking kisses and hiding held hands.

Patrick and Jason are never gonna believe what kind of situation I've gotten myself into. But that's another problem in and of itself. I currently have no plan on if-how-when I'll tell them about my sexuality and about Jordan. Ruth, too. Judging by the years of friendship that have passed with each of the three, I don't think it will be that big of a deal that I'd rather look at guys with Ruth than at girls with Pat and Jason. Hell, Ruth will probably love that.

One thing I have decided is that there is no chance that Kyle or Alex will find out about me and my fling with Jordan until much later. Depending on if we're even still friends, that is. If there's anyone that will have more negative things to say, it'll be Kyle. The thought unnerves me and makes my stomach flipㅡand not in the way it does when I'm with Jordan. Going into my junior year, the last thing I need is an ex-friend holding onto a big secret of mine. That could be disastrous.

I try to tell myself that none of this matters right now. It's an issue for another day, but my brain won't seem to slow down, no matter how much I wish it would. When I'm not focused on the competition or my friends or my campers, I'm thinking about everything that can possibly go wrong and how bad my life can get. And considering how occupied I usually am, I think about this way too much.

Astrid notices when the gears in my head start to turn, pumping negative thoughts into my system. She tries her best to distract me and I'm thankful for it. It almost makes me feel sick that I misjudged her feelings of concern and platonic love for Jordan for something else. I was so ready to hate her because she might be some sort of obstacle. I hate how insecure I am when it comes to Jordan. I know he's noticed the times where I feel less than confident and put myself down. It's like I'm unconsciously trying to sabotage the good things in my life. What hurts the most is knowing that I'm the one who can stop it, but not having the strength to do it. I'm scared that if Jordan walks away, I won't let myself run after him.