Smuts and Fluff ✨ (READ DESCRIPTION)

My Summer Will Come (fluff)

I used a LOT of quotes in this (the bold does not mean it's a quote, tho it may include one). The bold letters represent Benji's thoughts.
Warnings ⚠️
• mention of self harm
• depression
Sorry I just thought I would bring those up in case they could be triggering to some ♡

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✨Benji✨

For me it's felt like it's always nighttime, and my life is just a big nightmare. And never morning.

I sat in my room looking at my now red wrists. Loathing myself for being so pathetic. Why was I like this? I don't know. I had a good life. Parents and a brother who loved me, middle class, a nice house. I had it all, compared to many. But you don't get to pick depression. It picks you.

I feel awful for doing this shit to my family. I wanna be the one to tell them it will be okay. But I don't even have the strength to tell myself that. So who will tell it to them? And who will tell it to me..?

"Sometimes someone hurts you so bad, it stops hurting at all. Until something makes you feel again, and then it all comes back.. every word. Every hurt. Every moment." These words echoed through my head. I am unseen, unheard, unwanted. That is what I am, if even I am anything.

The one thing that brought me joy was taken away from me. Jorge. He was my everything. His dad was awful. He was abusive, and he never accepted Jorge how he was. One day, he took Jorge away. He just left. No one knew where they went, and it had been 3 months since I had last seen him. For all I know his dad could have killed him, and I would have no idea. He never once contacted me since then.

My mind wandered back to the last day I saw him. I pulled him into my arms, telling him it would be okay. He had been so afraid of entering his own home. I promised him I would protect him, and I failed. I'm a failure.

My parents are disappointed in how I turned out. They don't care about my sexuality. But how could they not be disappointed in someone so pathetic? My family doesn't even try with me anymore. I find myself suddenly snapping at them for no reason. I yell at them, saying I hate them for the worst reasons. I do care. I don't hate them at all. But that's how you get to be when you can't trust anyone. And you have nothing left.

I stared blankly out my bedroom window after having a fight with my mom. On my way to apologize to her, I heard her say into the phone that she wanted to send me away.. how she was done with how I was. She didn't even know I was there. I stood leaning against the wall, and watched her silent tears fall down her face, as my own eyes started to burn. They threatened tears, but I didn't let them fall, and I walked back to my room, shutting the door quietly like I had never left it.

When Jorge suddenly left, it seemed like the same thing that held me up, forced me down.  The world turned upside down, and order disappeared. Nothing was how it was supposed to be, and a heavy sadness filled my soul.

Deeper and deeper I fell inside myself, and nothing could draw me out. Trapped in the misery of my life, lost in the sorrow of my soul, unable to see the light.. unable to see the dawn.. to feel.. to hope.. to dream. And I found that the darkest days of my life kept coming. The blackest nights from my soul never stopped. And maybe you wonder why, but mostly you try not to think about it, and try to get by, and try to survive. And all the other stuff seems so much like nothing, compared to just wanting the most important things back again.

I know I am helpless, dependent, desperate, but what happens when those you need the most threaten your very existence?

The sun comes up every morning, but do you know where? Each place, it's somewhere different. It's hard to find East, when you keep moving around. But at least it comes. It always comes. I've come to depend on that.

And slowly, slowly seasons changed around me. And it seemed this time, that maybe, the world would not be pulled out from under me again. Feet safe, roots starting to grow. Little buds, of hope for me. Slowly attempting to trust this new life.

I wish someone would tell me it's gonna be okay. That maybe, one day, I'll feel normal. That I won't always be alone. That I'll have a family who will hug me, and be strong for me.. because maybe I can't do it all by myself. This my past, my history, my story, is not my fault. It's not because of me.

I looked out the window, longing to be a part of the sky. Wishing to be happy. For the first time in months..

I am lovable. I am worthy of care. And that glimmer of light makes all the difference...

I saw a car drive down the street, and pull up next to my house. Who was that? I squinted down at them, and watched as an unfamiliar man got out of the drivers seat, and walked around the car to the backseat door. He opened it for someone to get out. It looks like- Jorge, stepped out of the car.

...The glimmers of light, give me hope that someday, my summer will come.

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I might make a part 2 to this but idk. I do understand what it's like to self harm. I've dealt with it for years, and I still am. But if any of you are struggling just know that you can reach out to me. I may not understand exactly what you are going through but I WILL listen, and try. Love y'all thanks for 100 reads ♡ go read my main book if you want. Also sorry cause this one sucked soo bad. Omg

Word count: 1047