Heaven or Hell (WinTeam)

New feelings and old memories

Ring, Ring, Ring, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggg.
BANG. It was not a good idea to wake a grumpy Team. Why Team is grumpy, you ask? Well, for the most part, its because his first night at his new condo was hell. And sleepless. Team was never a good sleeper but being in a new environment meant that he had to get used to his surroundings first until he felt comfortable enough to at least try to sleep. He went to bed at 4am because he didnt dare to go earlier but nothing really worked. He listened to music, to his favourite audio book and counted sheeps. Yet he was always greeted with troublesome voices in his creative head telling him all the things he didn't wanna hear. So he was kept awake trying to start an argument with his own mind. Well, you can kinda guess the outcome of this because arguing with your own mind is never a smart thing. It will only create more conflicts and more little devils flying around in your head. He looks at the damn alarm clock that shows that its exactly 6:30 am which means that Team got around 30 minutes of sleep. He is mad and feels uneasy but for the most part he is just fricking tired. Not a good start for a new life, Team thinks to himself. He does that a lot. Talking to himself because most of the time he doesn't dare tell people what he really thinks or what he's really feeling. So he just adds those parts in his head. Its an annoyance really but he just can't seem to let go of it. He punches the pillows out of anger and then rises out of bed to get ready for his seminar. And is met with a new challenge. It's too early for this, he's mumbling. Team has never been taught how to tie a tie so he kinda twists his hands in any direction that seems plausible and stops after trying to tie his tie for the third time. He decides to open a few of his buttons and kinda puts the tie somewhere where it seemed accurate. And then he just left it there because he didnt have the nerves to try it again. To be honest, he kinda liked it. The way the tie was hanging now and his shirt was opened made him look badish if that word existed. And it reminds him of this annoying vice-president of his swimming club he met the other day who was constantly bragging about his good looks and how everyone was so smitten by his appearance. Team felt like he could stand up to his antics now and he hoped it made him look more mature so this damned Hia wouldn't dare to call him Bambi ever again. But Team was soon reminded that wishful thinking and reality never really go hand in hand. At least not in his world.

After putting almost half his energy into making himself at least half presentable and putting the biggest smile on his lips he could offer to cover up the fact that the dark circles under his eyes were growing bigger and bigger, Team got his red bag, threw it onto his shoulders and made his way to T university. Having put a seminar at 8 o'clock wasn't Teams best idea but now he had to live with it the rest of the semester. And it already felt like he had spend 3 months here instead of 2 days. But everything was better than being at home and Team just had to get used to the way it was now. Even if it meant being sleep deprived more than half of the day and having difficulty opening his eyes which was more of a problem when you fell asleep during class. For Team this was not something he wanted to experience on his second day but of course fate never plays in his favour and so it came that Team spend his first ever lesson half awake-half asleep which of course did not stay unnoticed.
"Teerayusiri Yothin, will you please stay for a while" the teacher had told him after finding him asleep for the second time. Team was perplexed, shocked and most of all scared. He didn't wanna leave a bad first impression and moreover he knew what a note in his school record meant for his swimming club activities and he could never ever let that happen. He just had to take part in the upcoming competition. He can feel the deep stares of Manaow and Pharm and immediately feels bad for making them worried.
"I'm fine." he tells them. "Just go, I'll meet you afterwards." He puts on the nicest smile he could find in the seconds he had. They nod, return faint smiles, pack their bags and then hurriedly leave the room to leave Team to his teacher.
Team is met with silence. Unbearable silence. He never knows what to do in a situation like this. He feels awkward, embarrassed and uncomfortable so he starts fidgeting with his fingers as a way to shake the anxiousness away. His breathing doubles and his temperature rises. He's feeling so hot until the teacher finally breaks the silence.
"I read in your school page that you're part of the swim team, right?"
Team can only answer with a nod because the lump in his throat made it impossible to form an audible sentence.
"That's good. The university needs representation you know. The more, the merrier." His teacher laughs and then becomes silent in a matter of seconds.
"I know its only the second day and everyones kinda busted but you know as an athlete your grades are really important, so I just wanted to have a friendly talk on how to pay attention in class so you will be able to keep up with the exams and stuff. Today, you're excused but pay more attention to what I am saying in the future as it will be a deciding factor if you can take part in the competitions or not."
Idiot., Team hears a voice screaming in his head. You're such an idiot. This is not what I taught you all those years. You worthless, little piece of.....
"Yes, Sir. Team hears himself replying as if someone else spoke for him. He had to get outta there before the voice in his head got louder and Team wasn't able to shut it out anymore. "I totally get what you're trying to tell me. I will give it my everything so it won't happen again. I am sorry." And with this he hurriedly bows to his teacher while avoiding any eye contact, stumbling to his place to get his bag and then fastly makes his exit. After walking a few meters, he halts at a quiet and less populated area and tries to calm down. Breath Team. Breath. In and out. Everythings fine. There is no need to turn red (as in his mood colour). You're totally fine. YOu mastered this situation just now professionally and no one noticed anything. So there is no reason to get anxious. This is Teams method to calm himself down when his mood gets critical and is about to turn red or black. On good days, like today, it works. He calms down without having to take any medication which he always carries with him. On bad days however, Team isn't as lucky. He falls into a deep black hole and his mind is trapped in a loop where he will relive every painful memory, where he kinda blends out the real world and creates a parallel world and is this helpless 7-year old child gain who just wants to be loved. But enough of this now. Right now he's purple and thats good enough. Well at least he was getting better until it was time for his training. Team had lost track of time and had to run to the swimming club to keep his promise of not being late to practice again. When he finally made it, out of breath and totally worn out but 10 minutes before practice was set to start, he was met with four pairs of familiar eyes. Pharm and Manoaw came to visit Team (or more specifically as Manaow told him later: "To see all the hot naked guys") to cheer him on because today was an important day. Today the first-years had to show how good they were and that they deserved not only to be a member of the club but also to participate in the next competition. And Team had to be this first-year. He had to. Team suddenly started to feel a lot of pressure and his shoulders got heavier but the presence of his friends reassured him that in fact there are people believing in him. Believing that he can do it and for the first time in years a genuine smile is forming on his lips. Yes, it was small, almost not noticable but it was genuine and that meant way more to Team.
"Okay, first-years. Get ready." he hears P'Prug, a fourth-year student, shouting through his megaphone.
Team placed himself next to all this muscular, competitive and willing guys and felt really small. He could see the fire burning in their eyes. The desire to place 1st, no matter what. But for once Team had the same desire and he was ready to win. In this moment all the nightmares, the sleepiness and the anxiety were fading and were replaced by a competitive spirit.
"Take your mark" and then Team hears the whistle. Without registering anything else, he jumps into the water like a fish who finally is able to breath again. And he swims and swims until he stops. It takes him almost 20 seconds to register that he did it. He had won and he couldn't describe the feelings he had felt in that moment. Finally he could see that his hard work was paying off. That there actually was a chance of him representing his team at the competition and make someone proud who had always only found faults in his existence.

He stepped out of the water and was greeted by Pharm and Manaow who were hugging and congratulating him.
"I am so proud of you" Manaow is saying while rubbing Teams hair.
"Good job puen. As a congratulating gift I'll make you whatever food you desire but only one. Not that you get the idea that I am some kind of nanny or something."
"Chi (yes)" Team replies. "Thanks so much, you two." And that were kinda the only words he got to say because both of his friends got distracted. Manaow was eyeing anyone who came out of the water and Pharm's eyes were following a very handsome P'Dean who was just as mesmerized as Teams friend. But Team didn't feel insulted in any way. Being congratulated by friends who showed genuine interest in him was already enough to make him happy. And he was exhausted anyways. His legs felt like stone the whole way to the locker room and Team was feeling so many things at the same time that he just had to lie down on the bench in the middle of the room. He closed his eyes, only wearing a blanket and his swim shorts and was reliving the moment. It made him happy, really happy and he wished that he could just freeze time and stay in this moment. But just as he had guessed this morning: Wishful thinking almost never works out the way he wants it to. Team was so out of it that he hasn't heard anyone entering the room and he only noticed it when it was already to late. Now he was lying on the ground after being robbed of his blanket and being thrown to the ground.
"Ouch, what was that for?." Team is voicing out angrily.
"Calm down, Bambi. I was just testing if you are wearing anything underneath."
"What, why? Why would you want to know that for heavens sake."
"Unfortunately, you do." Win is sending him a suggestive wink and sits down at the end of the bench Team was lying on a minute ago.
"Are you crazy. What do you even mean, unfortunately." Team was getting angrier with every laugh that was coming out of this damned vice-presidents mouth. For you it's all a game, isn't it, Team is swearing inside his head. Its funny to you. Making fun of me. But I won't let you ruin this chance. Asshole.
"Calm down, little one. I was just joking. No need to get so worked up."
"Little one?" If Win wanted Team to calm down, calling him Little one was not a good idea because it only made him more furious. He got up and was facing Hia Win upfront.
"I told you stop calling me those stupid nicknames. My name is Team if you want to call me anything. If you keep calling me little one or Bambi, I won't reply in the future, asshole. And anyway maybe its better if we dont talk to each other anymore. Like at all."
Okay, did he just say that out loud. Yes, he meant it. But it was only supposed to be in his head. Team didn't mean to say it out loud. He felt bad immediately but he would never admit that in front of Win. But to Team's surprise, Win wasn't feeling insulted in any way. Quite the opposite. Instead of being punched or thrown to the ground, Team was greeted with Win's two hands that were rubbing his cheeks while exclaiming: "You're so cute!"
For the first few seconds, Team couldn't move. To say he was shocked would be an understatement. He couldn't say anything. His heart was beating fast and he felt the urge to just punch the man in front of him. What was he thinking? Who does he think he is? Why is he doing that? Is this his way of telling Team that he will never be as succesful as him? That he is just a cute little kid that no one ever takes serious? Whose hopes are bigger than his capabilities?
Yes, Team felt insulted. And to show that he's neither of those things he did somthing which he isn't really proud of but to be fair if anyone would grab your cheeks and tell you you're cute, you would react the same way. Yeah maybe not, whatever. Team punched P'Wins hands away, grabbed his towel hastily and left after screaming: "You asshole, you think looks and money are everything in this world, don't you? Well, here's news for you. I am neither small nor cute and I won't be intimidated by you. Maybe we don't have the same backgrounds but who the fuck are you to tell me I can't do the shit you can." And with that Team had left the locker room and also left behind a very confused Hia Win who could only rub his temples.

Where did that come from? Win mumbles to himself. Not in any way would he have thought that telling someone he's cute would end like this. It was never his intention to deminish any of his juniors capabilities but rather show him that he simply felt he was cute. Was I too direct? Maybe he is from a different region where telling someone is cute is rare?  Win just couldn't grasp why his nong reacted the way he did. But one thing is for sure. While grabbing his juniors cheeks, Win has felt something he hasn't felt in years and he wants to explore what those feelings are. He is lying down at the same spot he had found Team 5 minutes ago and closes his eyes. He is thinking of someone. Of ways to annoy him and to get to know him better. Because Team seems so mysterious and Win really wants to know what is going on inside this cute head.