Heaven or Hell (WinTeam)

Running Away

It was 5am and the whole campus was asleep. Except for one. Except for one troubled little soul who was ruminating, twisting and turning. Team was laying on his bed awake for the 3rd continuous night. He was tired and fucking agitated but he just couldn't fall asleep after he had finally managed to make himself feel comfortable enough to sleep for the last whole week. Win's innocent joke awakened the thought carussel and now Team was left with thoughts and memories that kept him awake, to afraid to close his eyes. After what had happened with Win in the pool, Team had decided it was smarter not to attend any swimming lessons for the time being. But he was aware that he had to come back eventually to be able to participate in the competitions. 2 more days Team, then you have to strengthen up, he is thinking to himself and then he is reminded of his dad at home. If he knew that Team had missed 3 days of swimming club activities, he would personally come to Bangkok to kill Team with his own two big hands. You're so weak. Coward. Weakling. You need some lessons on how to man up. Let me teach you and then he would take Teams head and.......
Team punched himself to get rid of these thoughts to concentrate on getting better. He had to do something against the sleepiness. When he returns, he can't be too weak. He has to be awake. Team is bored. There is nothing to do so early in the morning. His friends were probably still asleep, he had already tried reading, listening to music and doing homework but nothing was helping really. He was helpless. He didn't wanna feel like this. Ever again. He had sworn that after fleeing the prison others called home, everything would change. But look at him now. He is the same helpless child that he was back then. Team sighs. It will never get better, will it? Nothing will change. Ever. All effort is just a waste because no matter how hard I'll try, I can't change the person I was made to be. Realisation is dooming on him, a reality Team is not willing to accept but a reality that is holding onto him so strongly that he always loses every fight.
He gets up. 7 am. Finally it was time for getting ready. Team brushes his teeth, washes his hair, changes his clothes, lethargic. He looks in the mirror for a split second and immediately feels the need to smash it because the person that is looking back is the one person Team hates the most. But he doesn't. Because he's too tired to bother. He opens the door, steps out of his room, slightly turns around to see the mess his condo was in and sighs. 2 days Team. I'll give you 2 more days to pity yourself and then you have to get back on track and with that he swings around again and closes his door.

When he reached the campus, he joined Manaow and Pharm in what sounded like an argument about whether or not Dean and Pharm had already hooked up. Pharm denied. Manaow didn't believe, so the conversation was going in circles with no real outcome.
"For the millionth time Manoaw, it is not true."
"Oh come on Pharm. You can tell me. I won't tattletale"
"Manaow" Pharm exclaimed
"Team what about you? Help me here" Manaow was directing her speech at Team now
"Heh?" Team hadn't really payed attention. But to his defence listening to Manaow and Pharm was like listening to his right and left braincell arguing and it was a pain in the ass.
"I haven't even noticed him. When did you arrive, Team?" Pharm was asking
"Just now" was the only response Team had to offer
"So what do you say?" Manaow slightly elbows Team as a means of getting him to side with her
"I don't know"
"You don't know. But you always know. Somethings wrong?" Pharm chimed in. Both of his friends were scanning him head to toe while silently remarking everything that wasn't in the right place.
"You look awful." Manaow comes to a conclusion.
"Thanks, I guess I didn't have the time to apply my makeup today?" Team retorts. But in a friendly banter kinda way.
His friends laugh.
"This is our Team."
"So whose side are you on?" Manaow asks. Both of his friends staring at him intently.
Team doesn't want to take sides in an argument that's not his. One friend will definitely be mad and he's not gonna risk a beautiful, just blooming friendship, he has never had before.
Excuse Team. Give them an excuse. Any excuse. Come on. Brain. Think, think, think.
"Ehm. Toilet."
"What?" Pharm and Manaow are exclaiming simultanuously.
"Yeah, toilet. I have to go to the toilet. Sorry. See you in class." Team walks as fast as he can.
Toilet? Really Team? Great, really great. Everyone is gonna believe that. Idiot. he mentally punishes himself for being to stupid to find a proper excuse.
To his luck, Team is the only person using this excuse this morning, so he gets to use the restroom alone. He chooses the toilet room which is the furthest away from the door, closes it and sits down. To breathe. Today is going to be a long day and it already started hecticaly. He opens his bag and picks up his medication. He's ruminating. Should he take it or not? It does things with his head he can't control but it also gives him relief for a moment. After a long while just staring at the tablets and fidgeting with the pack, he decides not to take them as there will surely be more serious moments he'll need them. He stuffs them back in his bag, stands up, opens the toilet room door and stands in front of the sink. He lets the water form a lake in his hands before he splashes it onto his face. One time. Two times. Three times. After washing the remains of water away, he opens the door but halts after noticing shoes placed right in front of him. Familiar shoes. Very familiar. He bites his lips.. It hurts but he doesn't let it show. Team looks up to see the dark eyes of the vice-president staring at him with an expression Team is not able to read in such a short amount of time.
His head goes into turmoil. What should he do? Run Away? Retreat? Should he just go back inside, close the door and wait until this damned Hia would leave? Should he take his problems head on? After what seemed like an eternity and felt like everything was moving in slow motion, Team decides to be a mature adult and not embarass himself any further. Only kids run away. And Team was never even given the chance to be one, so he wouldn't start acting like one now. He didn't run away but he stayed silent. Why should he start talking anyway when he didn't even wanted to in the first place. Silence.
Why is he just standing there? Is he not going to say anything? Did he come to tell me how immature I am for missing club activities? He will definitely scold.

"Hey Nong". Win was the first one to break the silence. But Team stayed silent, he was still thinking about whether he should answer at all or not.
"Funny to meet you here."
"Well, yeah this is the economy campus, so its really not that surprising to meet me here."
"It's just that..... You know... I wasn't sure if you would be here considering you should be in bed. Read your notification of illness. Sounded serious."
Shiaa, Team hadn't thought about that. He decides not to answer anything.
"So I'm guessing you feel better and will be able to take part in our swimming lessons again?"
Win was right. Team had absolutely no excuse for missing out any longer when he was attending regular seminars. Team had no choice but to give way.
"Yeah, maybe. Don't know when though."
For the first time Team had met Win, Win was silent as if he was thinking about whether to go on or not.
"Bambi..... I mean Team." Win seems really nervous which scares Team a bit. "Are you alright?"
"Sure." Team responds. Voice shattered, barely audible. It wasn't true. He knew it. Win knew it. But there was no way, no fucking way, he would give Win even more reason to make fun of him.
"Really? I don't believe you." Listen, Team." Win stepped closer to Team, only nose length apart now, taking Teams hands. "when we were under water. Your expression. I mean, you blacked out. You were stone cold as if you were scared of something. You didn't move. I thought you were dying. I was worried. You didn't respond for a whole minute and then you just left and never came back. So...."
"I'm fine." Team stops Win before he can say more.
"No, you're not."
"What?"
"You are not fine! I can see that. Look at you. You are so pale. You look like a wreck!" Win's words are piercing through Teams ears.
Why does everyone feel entitled to tell me how I feel? Why is everyone always demanding they know everything. Team was beyond angry.
"I said I am fine.!!!!" the words came out stronger and louder than Team had intended to. It was just that, he was tired and he didn't had the strength in him to discuss this matter with Win. Team was glad that no student was present at the moment.
"Why are you lying to me? You know you can trust me. I am right here. I can help". Win's voice is shaky but he still tightens his grip around Team's hands.
"Trust? Help? Who are you? My psychologist? Okay, yes. I am sorry I lied about being sick. I was just worn out because of too much homework they were giving us lately. And yes, I shouldn't have skipped but you have no right to do this Hia. Who do you think you are? Who gave you the right to judge about my feelings. And what is this crap about you being worried about me? Haven't heard something as funny as this in a long time. Here you have it: Ha ha. Are you happy now? Is this the next joke? Where are your team mates? Come on out. Embarass me in front of everyone as you always do. It's funny to you right? Seeing this first-year suffer. But let me tell you, you won't be able to bully me out of the swimming team because I am not leaving. Go ahead, plan as much as you want in your so handsome head. I won't leave." Team didn't really know why he said all those stuff. He never meant to hurt Win but he just couldn't risk Win to ask any further.
"Team, I. I never meant to do this. I. I"
"You what?"
"I am worried about you"
"Yeah, yeah, you already said that. But what does that even mean?" Team has talked himself into rage that he didn't even notice the tiny tears leaving his eyes and glistening them up. "Why would you even be worried about me? I am just Team. No one remotely important. Just Team. Just another first-year. So stop worrying about me already and pay attention to someone else."
"But I...... I..... Nong, I am sorry. This is all my fault."
"Nothing is your fault. I am totally fine, so you can go now. I don't know. Save the world but not me"
"I won't go. I won't leave our conversation like this."
"Like what?"
"A lie. That's what it is. I saw you. I felt you Team. I felt the fear. You were scared and now you are avoiding me because of what happened. And I feel sorry."
"Oh, so you pity me, is that what you want to tell me?"
"No.....you're not listening Team. I just want to help you. Tell me what happened to you!"
"I told you, nothing. I am totally fine."
"How long are you going to do this? Lie to yourself?"
Okay, Team had enough. He was accountable to no one. He shook his hands out of Win's grip.
"I am sorry, Hia. Tomorrow I'll be back and resume swimming activities." and with that Team started walking away.
"Team, where are you going? Stop running away from the truth. Stop running away from me." but the boy this words were meant for had already disappeared into the wide hall full of people and loud chatter.

Win was speechless. His heart ached so much because even though he played tricks on Team, he cared for him more than he did for anyone. Teams obvious misery hurt him so much that he just wanted to cry right there and then. Team was not fine, he was far from it and Win didn't know how he could help him. If he could help him at all because, lets face it, he probably was the cause of all of this.
I was lucky he didn't punch or hit me, Win thinks. He goes over to the wall Team had stood just moments ago and sinks to the ground, putting his head in his lap. He messed up big time and he just had to find a way to get through to Team before he lost him forever. And he's scared. Scared that that moment could happen sooner than he could act on it.

Why is falling in love so hard?