THE ADVENTURES OF ROIG UT ZOW (expanded version)
by KC and DanKitti
The galactic cruiser under the command of Roig Ut Zow was preparing to make an emergency landing on an unexplored planet. He began receiving radio signals from the surface that repeated the sounds of pigs squealing endlessly. This was only a dim preview of what was to come.
Immediately upon landing, the galactic cruiser was surrounded by independent recording artists! Their leader approached him.
“We use tape loops of pigs to cause spaceships to land on this planet, and then we surround the ship, and force them to buy our tapes!”
Roig Ut Zow bought tapes by Ant & Bee, Mr. Anywhere, French Fries from Hell, No Telephones, The Invisible Twins, and other strange groups, before being allowed to return to his ship, and leave the planet. Eventually, the ship was surrounded by giant super space stations, who all pointed their giant laser cannons at him. Gosh!
Not thinking twice, it’s alright, Our Hero immediately switched on the galactic cruiser’s hyperspace supersonic overactive hypertronic hyperdrive, or H.S.O.H.H. and zoomed all the way to the other side of the galaxy ---ZOOOOM!--- right toward the planet Okey-Doke, where they have these really nifty t-shirts that say “My parents went to Planet Okey-Doke and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”
Roig was about to buy one of those t-shirts,when all of a sudden, he was completely and totally shocked to see that he was really back on the planet of the independent recording artists! The tape by French Fries from Hell had a subliminal hypnotic message that forced him to believe he had left the planet, been surrounded by super space stations and gone to the planet Okey-Doke. The name of the tape was “Nightmare to Okey-Doke”. Roig Ut Zow then bought their latest tape called “Escape into Space” and put it in his deck, only to remove it once again.
“Hmmm...,” thought Roig. This other tape by Mr. Anywhere looks interesting: “Cheap Date With Oprah Winfrey.” He put it on and immediately he found himself sitting in Oprah’s dressing room just as her show was ending. She came through the door and said, “Why Roig! I’m so pleased to see you again!”
Roig Ut Zow was confused by this because he had never met Oprah Winfrey before. Oprah smiled knowingly and said, “But Roig, we are merely magnetic particles on the Mr. Anywhere tape. We are at his creative command!
Suddenly the tape broke, and Roig was back on the Planet of the Independent Recording Artists, staring at the cassette deck. A wave of regret spread over him as he realized he hadn’t really met Oprah Winfrey. “Oprah!” he cried as he tried to splice the tape back together to continue the experience. Finally he did get the tape back together, and hastily put the tape back in the deck. As soon as it began to play, he knew something was wrong. Oprah appeared out of nowhere with a strange look on her face. She began talking backwards and began shrinking until she was a little girl. Then the tape broke again.
It was obvious to Roig that he’d spliced the tape in backwards. But as he removed the tape from the deck, he realized it was now in pieces everywhere. There was no hope for him.
Then there was the sound of a cassette deck turning off, and he discovered that all along, he had been listening to a tape called “Roig Ut Zow in Outer Space”. The tape had shut off at the end of side one. He then remembered that he wasn’t Roig Ut Zow, but Timmy Martin of the old Lassie TV series. He was so disturbed by this experience with the tape that he vowed never to play side two. He got up and was heading for the kitchen for milk and cookies, when he heard a sound by the stereo.
“No, Lassie, No!” he cried, as Lassie turned the tape over and pressed the “play” button. Timmy was once again subjected to the Roig Ut Zow reality. Roig removed the tape, smashed it with a hammer, then cut the tape up into tiny pieces, so the tape could never be played again.
Once again the tape machine clicked off, and Charles Nelson Reilley removed from his cassette player the tape of “Lassie and Timmy’s Wild Adventure” by Roig Ut Zow.
“What a wonderful tape,” thought Charles.
the end
(to read the original version, go to http://www.wattpad.com/734941-the-adventures-of-roig-ut-zow )
