2020 Revision

Chapter 1: Nigel

Spending New Year's Eve at a private doctor's office isn't the ideal day for me. I have nothing against being with my family, but I would have much rather spent today at home, popping fireworks or helping my father cook barbecue. We waited until the last minute to go to the doctor's because my mom claimed December would be the most packed time to visit. To be fair, I don't see how they couldn't have taken me to a private doctor before. There's no one but us in the waiting room.

This entire month has been a pain. I've been on my phone longer than usual, checking through Instagram and TikTok and watching these videos of people summarizing their decade. Most of them are fourteen, fifteen-year-olds with nothing to worry about. Every now and then I'd come across a crying seventeen-year-old struggling to get through their video full of memories they'll never remember. It's these videos that actually make an impact in me.

I had considered making a video of my own, just to have something refresh my memory if the procedure truly worked, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized how creeped out New Me would be when he'd watch it. He'd get headaches trying to decipher how he could have possibly filmed that and not have any knowledge of it. I'm not willing to put him through that kind of torture.

Penny's playing with the building blocks the kind nurse let her borrow. I smile down at her, my only reason for staying as relaxed as I am today. She's been in my life for almost two years, and because of her, I'm a better person than I used to be. She's made me realize there's more to me than anger, that I can love. Her hair is a shade of blonde lighter than our mother's, while I got our father's pitch-black hair. There's an innocence about her, and those blonde curls of hers, that makes me devote myself to her safety. I hope I remember her once this is over.

Her real name is Penelope, but she doesn't like being called that because it's "too long." Penny's been her nickname for as long as she's been able to speak, and at times, I forget all about her full name.

"Wanna play, Ni?" She calls me Ni for short. She's the only one I allow to shorten my name.

"Only if I can have the blue blocks," I say, kneeling on the floor with her. There's a childish grin on my face; something's thrilling about stacking blocks. I could do this for hours with her if it means I'm making her happy.

"But blue ones!" A pout, and I'm guilt-tripped instantly.

"All right, all right," I say, ruffling her hair, "you can have the blue ones."

Fireworks outside drown out her giggles. She's not scared of them. If anything, I'm the one whose skin jumps when hearing the thundering of fireworks. It takes me back to New Year's Eve two years ago, when I was a stupid fifteen-year-old boy celebrating his birthday in the most chaotic ways possible.

I've done bad things. I've been a bad person. There have been times in these past months where I sat and thought about how little I deserve Penny. Before her, I was a wreck. Typical teenage angst mixed with adrenaline powerful enough to damage others. I'm glad Penny's changed me. Even though this procedure may erase every moment I spent with her, I'm satisfied to know all knowledge of my previous self will no longer exist in my mind.

Penny stacks two blue blocks on top of each other and I grab her attention by saying, "If I forget my name, call me Malcolm."

"Malcolm," she repeats, slightly butchering the name.

"Nigel," my mother says firmly. She puts down a beauty magazine and makes strict eye contact with me. She doesn't have to say much for me to know what she's trying to tell me.

"If this thing's whole purpose is to erase our memories, then I want to start a new life as Malcolm," I start, then add a 'perfect child' smile. It hurts to think my parents have no idea of the person I was. They assume I'm their picture-perfect son: no flaws, no disobedience. I hope New Me won't find out what I did, forget that I'm hiding that from my parents, and expose me to them.