2020 Revision

Chapter 3: Kain

We're all hanging out at the McAllen Convention Center, a typical event place here in McAllen. Except we're not inside the building; it closed hours ago. We're sitting on the stairs by the water fountain, too close for our own comfort. 

The water smells foul, but if one ignores the smell, the sight is quite enjoyable. Ripples of water splash in mini waves, carrying dried leaves across the fountain. Christmas lights and decorations are still up, despite the fact that Christmas has been over for a couple of days. It's these festive lights that set the mood. Without them, we'd be a group of teenagers with no decent place to hang out for the holidays.

As far as I can see, we're the only people here. Everyone else is probably celebrating with their families. I don't know if my friends see me the same way I see them, but in my eyes, they're my only family. 

Kayla breaks the silence first. She's wearing Daniel's jacket, tightening it around her body as though this city is at thirty degrees. "We should have snuck some drinks." 

Daniel nods in agreement. He's in ninth grade, but Kayla, his "soulmate," is barely in seventh grade. It's not too bad of an age gap, but we always joke around about how when he's eighteen, she'll be sixteen. He gets flustered by this and makes fun of us by bragging about how at least he's in a relationship. 

I pull out three unopened bottles of water from my backpack before the topic changes. "Good thing I came prepared." 

Everyone laughs, and that reaction from them makes me feel so much more appreciated. I devour the feeling of acceptance, welcoming it inside me, before cracking another joke. 

I pop open a bottle, pour water into my mouth, and pretend to be tipsy after one gulp. "Whew, you guys!"

Carlos takes the bottle from me, laughing as he does so, and punches me on the shoulder roughly enough to almost make me fall into the fountain. I regain my balance and glare at him, but the glare doesn't last long because we both burst out laughing in a matter of seconds. He's my best friend, luckily, he wasn't born in 2002. I can't imagine what it'd be like for him when I look at him, and I won't be able to remember all the times we've spent together. 

Out of the five of my friends, Carlos is the one I trust the most. Not enough to tell him I don't have a family outside of them, apparently. I've tried bringing it up casually by sending him orphan memes, but it seems my comedic demeanor can be hard to see past. Originally I wanted today to be just me and him, so that I could tell him about my lack of parents, but he said the idea was "gay" and invited Daniel, Kayla, Lucia, and Freddy. 

Lucia lies her phone face up on a stair step. We huddle around it, trying to take a look at what she's showing us. Without a surprise, she's showing us a meme. I can't read what the words spell, but the picture is an overly edited image of a little boy in a backwards cap, squinting at the sun and appearing to be yelling. 

"Sun and me," Lucia reads. "This is gonna be you in a few minutes, Kain." 

Lucia is the only one in my friend group--other than me--who was born in 2002. She was supposed to take the shot, just like the rest of us 2002 kids, but she said it wasn't mandatory so there was no need for her to take it. I made the point that everyone in our school, whether senior or junior, who was born in 2002, had taken the shot. When she shrugged it off, I warned her she might not be allowed back in school, but she said she'd rather lose her education than her memories. 

I flash her a witty grin, admiring the way her nearly black eyes appear dazzled by my acknowledgement. "That can be you too if you ever decide to take the shot."

"I'd never do something that stupid," she says. "I actually value my memories, unlike you."

It's obvious she wants the attention off her. She's trying to pin it on me, since it's almost my birthday. I feel like she has some type of guilt burning in her chest. Whatever it is, I don't want my possibly last memory of my friends to be depressing. 

"Must be nice having a choice," I say, looking at no one in particular. "My parents straight up forced me. 'Kain, get up! You have an appointment today! Don't you dare try to tell me no!'"

I've gotten good at voicing the parents I never had. It's easy, actually. When you don't have something that everyone else does, that suddenly becomes your prime interest. Short, bus stop conversations between a mother and her twelve-year-old daughter. The caring anger, the nonverbal communication, the gentle forgiveness. Even my friends' parents are interesting to analyze. The way they act different in front of guests, the "I'm trying my best to understand you" conversations. I wish I had it all. 

I came here with only two possible outcomes of the night: I confess the truth to my friends or I walk away and never see them again. By the way things are heading, my best bet is the second option. I'm closing up again, lying, using fantasies to escape the hard reality. The hard truth is that I'm an orphan, and I have no parents. In a few minutes, I'll be an orphan with no knowledge of being an orphan. 

"Who do y'all think Kain's forgetting first?" Freddy asks. His real name's Alfredo, like the pasta. Just like me, he's a senior, except he was born in 2001. Lucky bastard. I could say that about every person in this group. 

"Me," Carlos jokes. At least, I think he's joking. "Look at him. He looks done with me."

"I think he'll forget himself first," Lucia says. "His birthday is literally in five minutes, and doctors around America have said the sooner your birthday is, the sooner you forget everything." 

I gulp down her truth. Five minutes. I have five minutes left of being Kain. Five more minutes, and then every memory I ever gained will be washed away by the effects of a shot. I hope the government sees the results they expected to see, because if they don't, that's millions of kids' lives ruined. 

"You've been a great friend," Daniel says. It's the solemn way he says it that upsets me most.

"I'm not going to die!" I try laughing it off, but he's right. In a way, Kain will be dead. 

"I wasn't done with my toast. Shut up." 

"All right. Proceed." 

Daniel lifts an invisible champagne glass. "Here's to Kain."

Kayla repeats his actions. "Here's to turning eighteen."

It's Carlos's turn. "Here's to my best friend ever."

Then Freddy. "Here's to new memories." 

Last is Lucia. She's hesitant at first, but I encourage her with a friendly nod. Her fist rises to the air at the same time as a firework explodes. "Here's to a new you."  

Four minutes. Or maybe three. I don't know. What I do know is that I don't want my friends to see me as a different person. They all look up when I stand up, some even try pulling me back down, but Lucia calms them down.

"It's late," she says, then looks at me as though she can see right through me. "He has to get home." 

"It's two til twelve! We've been waiting for this for two hours." Carlos cries. He was one of the people who had tried pulling me down. "This is the entire hype of New Year's Eve! Kain can't dip on his own birthday!"

"Let him go," Lucia says, sternly. She physically grabs Carlos's hands to give me a head start in walking away. 

Those dark eyes of hers watch me as I walk away for what I hope won't be the last time. Her pink tinted lips smile at me, non verbally wishing me well. 

As I'm walking away, I rip my glasses off my face and swing them at the fountain. The water sucks them in, twinkling lights around the fountain illuminating the glasses as they sink deeper and deeper into the forgotten. I never liked wearing them, and I won't be needing them where I'm going. 

Carlos yells, "Happy birthday! Happy birtday! Happy birthday!" His cheerful words become muffled with every step I take.

I'm tempted to look back, but I can't.  In a bit, you're going to forget everything, Kain, but you have to remember to never look back. Everything's going to be better for you now, and maybe you'll even forget the fact that your parents didn't love you enough to keep you. You're going to be okay. You're going to be better.

Fireworks are beginning to pop in the sky. My mind feels fuzzy and I'm forgetting why I'm walking, or where I'm going. This is it. New year, new me.