Love letters, Hurt poems

Why am I not good enough?

****TRIGGER WARNING*****

Self Harm is included in this.

Why am I not good enough

First, you wake up and try to find an outfit you will look acceptable in something that you won't be judged for. Something that follows the latest trends. Something that you won't look fat in.

Second, you walk to the bathroom and try to do something with your hideous hair. You try to calm it even though you know it looks stupid. You want to be seen as acceptable

Third, you paint on makeup. Trying to cover up the face that is really there

You want to hide it because you know you are hideous. That you don't want others to see because you will become the laughing stock of the school. You will be judged and you know it so you take the careful long, hand numbing time to paint on your makeup, a face that looks pretty.
Four you go to school having your mom drop you off on the corner. You don't want others to see the dinged, wrecked, beaten up car that your family can't afford to fix because your father left.

Five you go find your so-called friends. The popular group you hang out with so hopefully, you won't be picked on even though they make rude remarks about you behind your back. You hold back the tears because if you cry you will ruin the face you have put on.

Six you go to classes and actually put effort into what you do because it is something you are proud of. Something that you can actually do and not have to hide.

Seven, Of course, it's lunch

You try and find somewhere to sit because you know if you sit alone you WILL be judged. So you sit with people you don't want to sit with and barely eat because you don't want people to call you fat. So you starve yourself trying to lose weight so you can fit in.

Eight you go home after another long and stressful day and look to the only real thing you find comforting

That sharp razor that you call a friend because it sort of knows your pain you put it to your arm feeling like this is the only thing you can do. It is becoming addicting and you just keep going looking at the blood flow letting every feeling and word out and drip onto the floor

You sit there until your mom is gonna come home so you clean and hide everything

Nine you go change into PJs and wipe off all of the makeup all the layers that you put on. And reveal the face.

You look away

"I can't even look at myself"

Yet why do you think that?

You turn back to the mirror, leaning in close. Examining every part, every freckle, every piece of what makes you, you.

The amazing eyes you have, the way your eyes look when you smile, and your laugh. These are all the things that make you, you.

You go back through that day, the day, and the things that you do every day. Yet you don't know why you do these things, all you do is hide who you are.

Why did you make these decisions, and do these stupid things?

The outfit, influenced by social media and the looks you get. Why does that even matter? Why does it matter what other people think?

Your hair. You used to love your hair, all the crazy colors, and haircuts you used to do. Now it's just simple brown, straight and long even though you hate your hair like this. Yet you went with this. You were told your hair is why you had never had a boyfriend, "only girls with normal hair have boyfriends" this sentence was forever marked in your head.

Now god the makeup, the hand numbing hour you spend trying to "look pretty" you think that this is what you need to do because you think that is why girls get guys?

God, why is everything about guys? Because it is seen as girls should have a boyfriend. Being single in high school is seen as weird and that you are an outcast. So you spend all the time hiding the face that is really there. Your natural beauty. Have you ever thought that maybe if you didn't wear so much makeup, you would end up feeling more comfortable in your own skin?

Everything doesn't need to be about a guy. You need to love yourself.

The corner you are dropped off at. Why the hell do you do this? You make your mother feel like she is failing and that you are embarrassed by her. People might see the real you if they see your car. They might finally ask if you're ok. See if you need anything.

Your so-called group of friends, why the fuck do you hang out with these people when you know that they talk about you behind your back. That is why there are snickers about you when you walk down the hall. All of the rumors are started by them. Yet there is that one group. That invites you every day to sit with them, yet you ignore them and walk away because they are the outcast group. You feel that you would fit better in with that group yet you continue to sit with people.

This group makes fun of you for eating, yet this is one of the only times you can actually eat. Your family is trying to make ends meet since your father left. So you are starving yourself.

Six your classes, at least you have something you accept, soon you finally accept you for you and stop putting yourself down.

Eight you go back to the razor. Please. Please, everyone is worried. Your mom, your sister. Please put it down. Stop making more scars. You are beautiful and loved.

You ask yourself the same question you ask yourself every day.
Why am I not good enough?

But that is a bullshit question

It's not true

You are so good. Good enough that other people can't see it. To be great is to be misunderstood. And you are so great. Fuck what other people say about you. You are fucking beautiful and you are so much better then you think. You need to love yourself and ignore what other people say. Put down that razor and wipe off that makeup and be you