Faithfully Yours

I glare at the sweet smile stained on your lips. It makes me happy, to see you happy. Yet, I know that smile vanishes as soon as we're alone. I wish you could be like that all time, but you're not. You're cynical, heartless and ignorant. Pleasure for you is ignoring me.

Every time you leave, I plead for your return and forgiveness - though, I hadn't done wrong. Pining for affection from the unattainable. You are nothing, nothing but trouble.

You excite me. You demean me. I dream of letting you go but I can't, my heart is attached to the cold one within your chest.

My heart beats when yours beats. We're in sync, though you feel indifferent toward me. It's like you're the one with the power and I'm the minion, you can break my heart over and over and yet it still beats for you, and only for you.

Loving you was my biggest mistake.

...

Holding an umbrella above my head, I scurry towards our meeting, 1 o'clock at Cafe Valeria. But it's 13:01 and you're not there, maybe you're running late. I sit at the navy circular table in a rather uncomfortable chair and wait for twenty minutes. I wait and I wait. It's 13:34 and you're still not here. Where are you? I text you and no response.

My eyes well up. The waitress strides toward me in confidence, 'Are you ready to order?'

I nod, 'A decaf coffee, black, no sugar.'

She smiles, 'Coming right up!'

Too depressed to eat. I lay my head against my knuckle, why me? Am I unloveable? Why can't you feel the same way?

The girl lays a blue mug in-front of me with a beautiful floral tea plate underneath.

'Thank you.' I whisper.

I look into the cup, the dark brown liquid reflects my face and the scent of coffee travels up my nose. The little bubbles at the surface create a smile. Maybe it's a sign, maybe I'm delusional.

I look out of the window, the busy city travels past me. But I don't care about any of them, I only care about him.

I want him to hold me, kiss me, serenade me, fuck me. I want everything. I want all of him. I need him. I yearn for him.

Slowly drinking my coffee, I think of him more and more. With every second, I miss him more. I look at my phone, nothing. It's 1:48 and nothing. Maybe he died? Maybe he doesn't care about me? Maybe he found someone else?

My heart sinks. I leave my coffee half empty and leave the cafe in tears. I feel ashamed, for ever believing he would change.

Why, o', why am I so stupid? I am truly a love fool. I deserve someone better than him.

Sauntering, with tears drying up on my cheeks, I make my way back home. Gingerly bouncing my umbrella against the concrete. The beautiful scenery made me feel a warmth, the droplets of water made the leaves glisten and a rainbow had formed in the sky. There's good in this world.

Beep.

I look down and see a text, 'Sorry, I was busy, catch up soon.'. I felt like throwing my phone across the road or throwing a brick through his window. Angry was an understatement, I was furious!

But I did something much worse, I replied. And I replied, 'No, it's fine, talk to you later.'

Am I the one in the wrong? Making him feel like it was okay to just push me around whenever he could. It must be me, I'm the one in the wrong! Why am I blaming him when it's clearly my fault. He's busy and I'm over reacting, I am clearly the one in the wrong.

Everything is my fault. He's the nice one, he tells me he is busy, he's not ignoring me, he's just busy. But me? I'm worrying and being angry over absolutely nothing.

I open my front door, placing my keys on the hook beside it in the hall, making my way to the living room. I crouch down on the floor and begin to cry. All I want is for him to love me. Love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, LOVE ME!

I need to love myself, why am I relying on him to love me? I am the worlds biggest fool. Weeping over him.

He would never weep over me. Never. I mean nothing to him. Maybe it's just my imagination, this relationship. Most likely, I mean come on, I'm nobody. I am the unlovable woman.