give her love » james potter

16

Halloween sucked, like, a lot. But Christmas is a whole different kind of suck, and it's still twenty days away.

I have a mental break down, which I choose to play off as a nasal infection. Sitting in my bed. Reading magazines, doing shitty tests, then giving my brain a break and picking up Little Women. It had been a peace past three days, then, spoiler, Beth died and Jo still didn't marry Laurie and Amy continued to get on my nerves.

What's your dream boy's eye color? A, blue, B, Green, C, brown, or D, Hazel.

I'm about to pick D, when Siobhan runs into the room.

"I need to tell you something," she tells me, her voice a little shaky. Then she starts pacing. "I should have told you earlier. But, I was so scared. That maybe you'd judge me or something, but," I hear the sadness in her throat, it crawls up and a cry escapes, "I know you wouldn't know, and I've kept in for such a long time, that I might explode I don't tell anyone."

My mouth opens, then closes. I want to say something, something that'll make her feel better, that'll calm her, that'll take her out of whatever state she's in. So I nod, get up, take her hand in mine and let her lead me.

I stare at her long blonde curls. They're so pretty, I think to myself, as we rush through hallways. Which is absolutely horrid of me, at this moment she might cry any second.

We end up in front of the Divination classroom.

"What're we doing," I finally ask.

Then she pulls me into the classroom and starts to cry. "I had a baby, Lina."

No. I shake my head. Not believing it. Siobhan's so young. She's never had a boyfriend. She's never even mentioned it.

But then I feel the truth tapping me on the shoulder, then dumping the facts on me. Missing the last two months of school last year, her being sick a lot, how she seems to always be going home for family matters. If I had paid a bit more attention than it would've been so easy to see, but I didn't.

We end up sitting on the ground. Our backs against walls. Mugs with tea that Siobhan managed smuggle from some drawer.

She takes a sip, "His names Edwin Rosier, a year older than us, terribly tall, dark hair, he's barely talks. He was the head boy last year," a chuckle, "we snuck out past curfew so many times. I'd known him since forever. My mum's, his mum's, designer. So, I think it was inevitable, him and me."

("Sometimes," Ed said quietly, "I feel like this is it. I know we're young, how life's so horribly long, but when I'm with you, I just know. This is the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with."

Siobhan wasn't poetic or anything. To be honest most of the time it felt like her a frog was in her throat, making her spew out random nonsense. Nothing worthwhile. While Edwin was quiet and thoughtful, his words always meant so much more. 

When she was younger, she was scared that he'd realise she was barely good enough for him. That he could find a girl who was prettier, smarter, nicer. But the thing was, she was a little selfish because she didn't want him to find Siobhan 2.0. Instead, stay with her forever.

Her mouth opened, lots of nonsense then, "Are you joining?"

His eyes fell down. "Yes, this summer."

"It's okay," she mumbled into his jacket, though it was anything but that. "We'll get through it.")

"It's a family thing, joining the dark side, and he loves his family too much to leave them all behind. I can't be mad at him for that. Then it happened," a sigh escapes her lips, "we were careful, used protection, but nothing is truly effective. My parents are angels, without them, I don't know what we'd have done."

Her hand fumbles through a pocket until she pulls out a picture of a baby, dressed in a simple white dress, with light hair and eyes. All babies are cute, but this one is so small, almost too small, it makes you want to hold her and never let go.

Siobhan seems to read my thoughts, "She was born early, they call it premature. The plan was to give her up for adoption. But then I held her, she was so tiny, Lina. They'd been using thousands of spells, I knew I shouldn't do it. But, I just loved her too much, even if I'd only really known her for a few minutes."

I understand what she means. I don't remember Rory being born, but I do remember when Will was. How the second my dad put him in my arms, I just knew. That I was going to love this little tiny being forever. It never disappeared, the feeling of some strange connection between me and him. I loved all my siblings because they're family and you love your family, but I liked Will the best. I think everyone sort of did, he was the baby.

Twelve years younger than Eli. Seven years younger than me. Four years younger than Rory.

So I listen, thinking of my little brother in the back of my mind.

It was a girl. Her name is Margaret, after her mother, Jane, after Edwin's favorite female author, Rosier. But they call her Maggie. She's already crawling, Siobhan's very upset she missed that moment.

"Margaret Jane Rosier," I say, testing out the name. I say it again, then I smile. "I love the way it sounds."

She nods, a little teary. "I wish I'd have told you earlier."

"No," I shake my head, "I'm just glad you have, now."

Then Siobhan finally tells me why she's been so upset. "Maggie's gotten dragon pox."

I've heard of dragon pox. It's an illness sort of like chickenpox in the muggle world, except it's way more fatal and harder to cure. Though from what I remember there is a cure.

"I thought only the elderly got it," I tell her.

"Usually, but not always."

Then we stop talking. For, I don't know how long. Just sit in this silence that makes time go by in some warped speed and the air gets heavy. Everything she's told me sits on my chest and I almost can't breathe, but then I look at her.

Someones trusted me with something so important.

I want to say thank you or tell her that I'll pray to whatever god is listening for Maggie. But instead, I sit there in silence, letting our eyes meet then look away.

Being friends with Rachel has always been easy and our friendships spanned so many years, the level of our understanding goes so far. Sometimes I feel like she knows me better than I know her. Even though honesty hasn't always been there, I don't think we really know how to not be with each other. Even when we were younger, we didn't even need to talk, we'd do our own things and just exist within a few feet of each other.

I've never really had any other friendships that have mattered.

So it's hard sometimes. Being friends with Siobhan. We have the same taste in music and she gets grief better than anyone else, but it's still so unfamiliar.

We get up after years of sitting and start our walk back to the dorms.

I stare at the curls in her hair, once again, and I know. I want to be her friend forever. That I want to spend the rest of my life talking about Maggie and Edwin. Then maybe, if it even happens, about my own children and the guy I end up falling in love with.

Forever is a long time. But I think I've realized, it's even longer when your alone and I'm so tired of being alone.