Silence Me (Dare Me Series Book 1)

Part 1

I've imagined this moment more than a thousand times since the day she left me. How could a mom do that to her own child? How could she be so cruel and leave me with someone like him? I have no idea why I came here now. What was I hoping to accomplish? I feel all I've done rip off a scab that took years to heal. This house should be condemned and then burned to the fucking ground along with all the horrible memories inside of it. My stepdad is with the worms, and as far as I'm concerned she is too. I narrow my eyes at her. Why is she here? I walk to the door and open it. "Alexis?" My mama questions with wide eyes. I don't say anything as she stands there looking like she's seen a ghost. Yeah, I feel the same. "I never thought I'd see you again," she says, shaking her head. Is she happy, or just surprised? Because I'm neither. She studies me. "You're all grown up." She rubs her fingers over her shirt. I can't take my eyes off of her. Time hasn't been kind. Proof of her smoking habit covers her skin above her lip. Deep lines web out from russet eyes and her hair has thinned there's more grey that dirty blonde, and the pounds she's gained must be heavier than the weight she put on my shoulders when she walked out of this door and left me. Serves her right. A tiny speck of glee flows through my soul, like dust in the summer light. I'm happy she looks like shit. So many emotions run through my mind at one, but the one that stands out the most...the one I've held on to since the day I realized she wasn't coming back? Anger. Pure, hot anger. But hurt is a close second. The two emotions blend, but anger sweeps over hurt like lava tolling over beach sand. It consumes and doesn't apologize. I'm not over any of this. Madness makes my hands shake. Hers go into her pockets and she looks to the ground. "I got news he passed away a few days ago." She looks up and I notice her take a few more steps. "Always thought he'd go sooner." She laughs nervously. With a tilted head, I study her as she pulls a hand from her pocket with a cigarette pack now in it. She opens the top and removes one before brining it to her lips and striking it with her lighter. It's slightly drizzling so she cups the need. She breathes in deeply. Filling her lungs with toxic smoke. She look up at me and licks her chapped lips after she removes the cigarette. It glows red between her fingers. Fingers that used to tie my shoes. "Did you get out?" She asks me. "Yes," I say so calmly it scares me. I feel as though I'm outside of my body watching this scene play out. She nods and takes another hit from her smoke. "Good," she says, releasing it from her chest. The lines above her lip deepen when she does this, and the wind blows we silver gray hair across her face. She loves it behind her ear. The filing cabinet in my mind opens , and I mentally scan through the filing tabs until I land on hers. Opening it, I got it the section that reads questions for when she ever or if she ever comes back. "Hey, Bethany, where did you go?" I use her name because at this very moment. I realize she doesn't deserve the title mom. Just because you give birth doesn't mean your a mother. A mother stays and how I've always referred to her as that makes my stomach physically turn. She looks at me for a moment before her eyes go back to the porch. She shakes her head. "He never fixed that, did he? I was constantly terrified it would fall on one of us and kill us dead." She scoffs. "That son of a bitch," she mumbles. "Answer me," I demand. Holding on to the door for strength. She looks back to me and lifts her chin slightly. "What does it matter where I went?" I step out onto the porch aware that it could fall at any moment. "What do you mean, what does it matter?" I ask disbelievingly, feeling cold drizzle of the light rain on my face. I make it to the rail of the steps and descend. "I was eight years old. I was your only child and you left me here." She turns her body toward the road and hits her smoke again. "I'm aware of how old you were." I'm staggered at her indifference. My eyes are wild, dancing around the snow covered ground.  I try to wrap my head around this situation. I'm back at my childhood home. My stepdad who abused me is dead x my mother who abandoned me when I was a child is standing right in front of me acting as if I should be the one apologizing, I'm truly baffled. How did I come from this person? My anger is so alive I can feel it buzzing through my nervous system. I could kill her. I could pick up a shovel and smack he run the back of the head and no one would find her for days. But I'm not a murderer. I'm not cold bob looses like she appears to be. Closed off and cruel. "Why are you here?"