ONISION x CHRIS HANSEN ONESHOT

Onisenpai

It was a cold winter night on the 14thth of july in the middle of summer. The wind was blowing really hard throughout the city and the snow refracted little flecks of light around the street in the sunlight. The moon was out and shone its beautiful blue hues onto the face of a god. His name was Onision.

Onision awoke to the feeling of lips upon his own. It was Kai, his husband. Kai wanted to fuck but Onision had someone else on his mind.

He got up and went into the bathroom to check his phone in private, because he had a dirty little secret and he didn't want kai to ever find out. He would send feet pictures to Chris Hansen in hopes that he would become his sugar daddy and replace his patreon income by eventually paying for Onision's entire existence. There was something about Chris' mellow and sexy voice that caused Onision to quiver with excitement. 

He slipped a hand down his pants and gripped his baby carrot, pumping it a few times but each time he lost his grip because it was so small. Sighing, he reached into the cabinet beside him and pulled out some tweezers with rubber tips on the end. He coated it in his precum and began to wank off using them. Perfect. He bit his spare hand and gasped, thinking about all the different things Chris Hansen could do to him. His greasy hair fell down over his eyes and he panted harder and harder until finally the tweezers delivered the final amount of stimulation needed and he nutted all over his hand and the floor. 

"Fuck, that's disgusting." he said. He claimed to be biromantic in the public eye because he wanted to be included in the LGBT community so badly, but in reality he was so straight that even his own nut disgusted him.

----time skip----

Onision was in the shower cleaning his thighs and hands. His nut was incredibly difficult to remove. Suddenly, his phone began to ring. He stumbled out of the shower, almost slipping over, and grasped it. The wetness of his hand prevented him from being able to use the touch screen immediately but as soon as he saw the name on his screen he was able to answer it with the pure energy of his love. 

"Hello?" Onision gasped. On the other end of the line was Chris Hansen himself.

"Good evening, Gregory." Chris said. His tone was smooth and suggestive. "I was wondering...Would you like to join me tonight?"

"I- uh- What...What do you mean?!" Onision's voice was shaking with arousal and excitement.

"Would you like to go on a date with me, Greg?" Chris' voiice conveyed a sense of admiration for the greasy boy. He was obviously blushing behind the screen.

"Of course I would!! Text me the details, my love, I'll meet you there!"

Chris hummed approvingly and hung up the phone. Onision was ecstatic, giggling quietly to himself. He wrapped a towel around himself and leapt out of the bathroom, running into his room. Kai was out somewhere with their kids so he didn't have to worry about being caught. He wasn't a cheater, no way. He would never do that. This was only a 'bro' thing and he would do this with friends too, just like that full body massage that fucked up his relationship before.

10 minutes later Onision emerged from his room, adorned in a crisp black suit with foundation coating his face. He even used a bit of guyliner to make himself look as godly as possible. He was wearing the finest cologne in all the land, one that was scented like brussel sprouts and egg. This was sure to win Chris' heart. He got in the car and began to drive to the location Chris had set for their date.

-------time skip-------

"Ah, Gregory! There you are. I've booked the table, the restaurant is just round the corner." Chris gripped Onision's hand and started to walk him up the street. Onision blushed and gripped his hand harder. Chris looked away, probably embarrassed. 

"C-chris-san, W-what are w-we going t-to do after t-this?" Onision stuttered.

"Whatever you want. I can book us a hotel room if that's what you'd like."

Onision was shivering with excitement. All he had to do was sit through a dinner with Chris and then they could finally get down to business. His face flushed bright red as he imagined what Chris' banana would feel like inside of him. 

Suddenly they were inside of the restaurant. Onision had gotten so distracted with his dirty thoughts that he hadn't realised where they were. They were at KFC! Onision's favourite place to eat. The food there was almost as greasy as he was. 

Chris went round to Onision's side of the table and pulled out a chair.

"Hey Gregory, why don't you take a seat."

Onision's blood went cold. 

"W-what?" he stuttered.

"I said, take a seat."

Onision sat down, the authority in Chris Hansen's voice sending shivers up his baby carrot.

Chris smirked at him and sat at the other side of the table. His crew began to flood out of the employees only door, and three burly police officers stood behind Onision. An FBI agent stood beside Chris, looking at the greasy onion man with satisfaction. They finally had enough evidence to arrest him. 

"Chris, how could you!" Onision cried, distraught and heartbroken.

"How could YOU groom teenagers and young adults! How could YOU ruin the lives of multiple women and throw away your friends because they don't agree with everything you think and say! How COULD YOU. Your existence has caused so much suffering to innocent young women and you are a danger to society. I never loved you, it was all a trick. I know you think you're a god but you must be extremely stupid to have fallen for this. Fellas, take him away."

Chris crossed his arms gleefully, looking menacingly at the onion man as the police officers dragged him away. He would finally be behind bars, where he belonged. Kai was also being arrested, and would be sent to a prison at the other side of the country to Onision.

Chris was happy, Onision's victims were finally free. The sun started to rise over the horizon, illuminating the brand new day which would finally mark the end of the Onision era. 

The End.