Heaven

It hit me hard

I look up, terrified. Everything here is so bright, my eyes are having trouble to adjust. I thought i would be prepared for this and that it wouldn't hurt so much. The physical pain is bearable, but i can't get past this aching feeling in my stomach telling me that this is wrong. All wrong. All i see is a white door reminding me of the sky. I walk towards it and reach for my belt.

Where is my gun??

I swear I had it earlier.

I panic and back up. I should be able to protect myself when I'm dead. Do I need protection now that I'm dead? A blonde girl, wearing a grey skirt and a thin, white blouse walk in my direction. She doesn't look like a threat, but in my experience you have to be ready for anything.

"Don't be afraid." she says. Her voice is soft, and high pitched. As she comes closer, i can see her figure. She's tall, but small. Somehow similar to me when i was younger. She looks young.

"My name is Primrose, but just call me Prim. That's what everyone does." Prim smiles at me and i can't help but relax.

"Do you know my mum? Is she here?" I ask the little girl, who has now stopped walking and stands in front of me. My mum was the reason i stopped fighting when i was dying, she is the reason i know where i am. She lead me here.

Prim giggles and tells me: "Most people ask where they are, but i guess you already figured that out." She pauses and takes a deep breath.

Suddenly the door behind her is being pushed open and my mother appears. She looks like an angel and i guess she is. Her hair is perfectly combed and curled. She doesn't look like the mother who scolded me for looking too long in the mirror or wore grey because it was selfless. This new version of my mum is wearing a white dress as beautiful as the flowers from Amity. There are tears rolling down her cheeks silently as she runs toward me and i open my arms for an embrace. As her arms tighten around my chest, i lean my head on her comforting shoulders.

"You were so brave, sweetheart. We couldn't be more proud of you." My mother whispers in my ear and the tears that were threatening to escape before had found a way out and was now falling down cheeks like the sculpture at the Bureau compound.

The Bureau compound.

The memory serum.

David.

My wounds.

I touch my body in the areas i should have been bleeding. How am i healed when I'm not alive? I think of the reason why I faced the death serum and I think of Caleb. The boy who betrayed his family for the thirst of knowledge and power, but also the brother I sacrificed my life for. I can't help but remember the time I was tortured in the Erudite compound where Tobias came to my rescue.

Tobias...

"Will i ever see him again?" I ask mum, trying to keep the sobs at a minimum. This is so surreal. I shouldn't be here talking to my dead mother, I should be celebrating our victory with Tobias and Christina eating chocolate cake from the dauntless compound.

"Someday, honey." She says. What are they doing right now? Are they mourning? Did Caleb deliver my message? Not being able to process my sorrow into anything else, I cry in my mothers arms like I cried when she died and she joins me after a while.

---

Do you ever wake up and don't remember where you are or what's happened, just for a couple of seconds? Those few seconds are amazing. But when you realize where you are and how you got there, it hits you hard. Harder than a hurricane and all that grief that you have been dealing with, comes back, full force. Prim walks into the room casually.

"Hello, Tris." Prim greets me with a smile and sits down on the edge of my bed.

"Do you feel any better today?" She asks me. Her beautiful, blonde hair has been put in a ponytail and swings from side to side when she talks. I have been laying in bed for a couple of days processing everything and isolating myself from everyone.

"No, but i can't stand being in this room anymore." I sigh.

Prim beams at me and asks: "Do you want to see some of your friends?" I hesitate, but i need a distraction and whoever wants to be my friend through this mess is welcome to.

"Sure." I respond. Prim jumps up happily and takes my hand, dragging me behind her. Unaware of what is happening i clumsily trip and fall on my butt.

"Ooh, I'm sorry. Are you hurt? Do you want me to get some ice?" She apologizes. I start laughing and drag her down, tickling her. After a few seconds i hear her laughter joining mine and we have a one-on-one tickling war. The door in front of us opens and a friendly face is revealed. My heart is beating as fast as the Chicago trains. My lips are trembling. The tears in my eyes are blurring my vision and I'm doubting my sanity.

"I'm so sorry" I tell him quietly.

"I'm so so sorry" I repeat. Prim is sitting on my lap so i shuffle her on to the floor and get up.

"It wasn't your fault, Tris. You did what you had to." He's steps are slow and unsure. When he is close enough I throw my arms around him and wipe away the tears that has escaped. He's grip is strong and i feel his head lean on my shoulder.

"Did it hurt?" I whisper into his ear quietly..

"I was gone before i could really feel the bullet, but it was the life i left that hurt." I can faintly hear Prim leaving the room when i pull back and look into Will's eyes.

"I'm really sorry." My voice is full of sincerity i hope he notices. He kisses my cheek and wipes away the remaining tears on my face.

Will looks deep into my eyes and whisper: "I'm here because of Jeanine, not you." He chuckles. I try to keep my voice steady.

"She didn't pull the trigger, I did." He sighs and looks up at me.

"I forgive you, it's time you do the same." Will pulls me into another embrace and we stand there, comforted in each others presence. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and the guilt that has been gnawing at me fades, but there's more to be done and more tears to be shed.

---

We walk side by side and for the first time since i got here i truly acknowledge the beauty of this place.

"Wow." Will gestures to the house he is taking me to.

"I know it's been a lot for today, but there is one more person who would like to talk to you so please don't be mad and listen to what he has to say." I look at him confused and ask him:"Who would i be mad at?" He stays quiet and follows me to the front door,

"Please just consider what he has to say, he regrets what he did to you almost as much as you regret what you did to me." He smiles comfortingly and opens the door slightly. Another wave of guilt and sadness hits me as I register the person standing in front of me.