Her ||JiminxReader

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Chapter 9: Pillow

Read the A/N, it explains this chapter and gives you more information on her past.

"You can't do anything right! You always get in trouble! For what Taylor?! Why do you always have to be the bad guy?" My mom lashes out on me.

She finally came home. I haven't seen her in 3 years. She's always so busy with work that she can't even stop by the house and spend time with her children.

I look at her, my jaw clenching. My mom is never on my side. Every single time I get in trouble she believes it's my fault, whether it actually is or isn't.

"Do you not give a fuck about your future Taylor? Why do I have to continuously tell you this every single time I see you? Do you want to be living on the fucking streets when you get older?"

Every single time you see me? You never come and see me anymore because you hate my whole exsistance!

"Where did I go wrong? When did you become such a disgrace to this family? Will you ever grow out of this stupid ass phase?!" She raises her voice.

Tears start spilling out of my eyes. No one's words hurt me more than my mother's. She always finds a way to belittle me and put me down. When will she ever be on my side and support me? When will she ever be there for me when I need her?

"I don't know why you even bother coming and wasting your precious time on me since I'm such a disgrace to you. You never care about my feelings or ever try to understand me! You're always in and out of my life and the first thing you say when you see me in 3 years is 'you can't do anything right'?! You're never around long enough to see how much I've grown from before. I try to contain my anger unlike before but of course you wouldnt know!" I start to lash out on her, "Maybe if you were home most of the time and did your job as being my mother then maybe I wouldn't be such a disgrace!"

She looks at me with pure hatred. "I should've just let you kill yourself! You're a good for nothing cunt whose taking up oxygen that someone else could used. Why don't you do everyone a favor and kill yourself, you stupid bitch!"

And with that she left.

Her words ripped me into shreds and slowly, the weak, sensitive, and insecure girl I was years ago started to come back. My suicidal thoughts came out the invisible room in my brain that I stored them in.

My mom was right. She should've just let me kill myself. I am useless. I am worthless. I am a disgrace. And I surely do deserve to die.

Painful memories of years ago started to flood into my brain. The tears that had not shed yet started to shed very, very painfully.

I remember those bad thoughts influencing me to do many things to myself. Those bad thoughts led me to banging my head on the wall, pulling at my hair, sufficating and choking myself, and even cutting myself. I never chose to cut my wrists because I was too scared of cutting a vein and dieing. During that time, I wanted to feel pain. Not nessicarily wanting to see blood but, most definitely wanting to feel pain.

I loved the pain I felt when I choked myself, knocking the wind out of my system. I loved banging my head to the point where I felt like my skull would crack and my brain would come out of it. I loved the slight pain I felt when cutting myself. It always left me wanting to feel more pain.

I remember when I got over my suicidal stage. I was such a happy person. But now coming back to it, I feel depressed. All I want right now is to feel the never ending pain that I adore so much. I deserve to feel pain.

I grab a random pillow off the couch I was sitting on and look at it. My dry lips rip into a smile as I start to cry, thinking about all the hard times in my life. I take the pillow and hold it in front of my face. Taking a deep breath, I slam the pillow into my face, making sure I can't breath.

I feel the arising pain that starts to form in my chest as my breaths become shorter and shorter. Soon enough, the pain gets worse and I start to lose consciousness. I don't know if I'm going to die or not, but I'm surely glad that I'm able to feel the pain my body has been longing for.

Pillow. Thank you so much for letting me feel such harsh pain again.
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A/N: Hey guys! I just want to let you know that suicidal is a very serious and sensitive topic to me. If you ever meet someone who is suicidal or think that they are, please do your best to help them and stop them from commiting it.

Taylor was suicidal for most of her life and her mother did nothing but made it worse. She was always a fighter and always had a short temper. When she finally started doing things to get rid of her suicidal thoughts and actions, she felt better and lived a better life, even though she still had a bad temper and would fight. Having her mom come back into her life and belittle her like that made the thoughts come back. The thoughts take over her whole body and control her mind. That's why she wants to feel pain again. Suicidal people are very sensitive to things and hearing her mom say things like that just made her want to feel pain/kill herself even more.

(Some people who are suicidal only want to feel pain while others just want to die and be done with life. Some suicidal people are both. They want to die and want to feel pain as well. That's why they don't kill them selves instantly.)

Don't forget to vote (at least 7). I hope you enjoy your day and save a life if you can.

💕