Home for Horny Monsters - Book 4

Five Minutes Ago

"You take me to the nicest places," Beth said, stepping over a small, mossy rock.

The world around them was dark, and the light from their cellphones poorly illuminated the forest floor. A breeze had formed as the cool, night air of Ireland blew through the portal into Mike's front yard. The portal had been chewed into the inner wall of a crumbling home out in the woods, obviously long forgotten.

"I do my best." He stepped over a large rock and offered his hand when she stepped over. "There's a depression on this side, hard to see."

"It's not that—"

The depression was deeper than expected, and she lost her balance. When she tumbled forward, Mike caught her effortlessly in his arms. Her feet dangled above the ground, and he quickly set her down and cleared his throat.

"Sorry. Should have warned you better," he said, then knelt down. "So how big is this fairy ring supposed to be? I can't see anything. The ground is the same color everywhere."

"Reggie said it was a short walk from the portal." The fairy ring in question was actually a ring of mushrooms that was supposed to be a portal into the faerie realm. The rats had struggled to track one down, but Reggie's best scouts had managed to find one that wasn't an hour away from somewhere they could chew a portal to. "It should be up ahead any second now."

"I hope so." He stood back up and rubbed his stomach. "That's weird."

"What is?"

"Just an odd feeling. Almost feels like a gas bubble in my stomach."

Beth chuckled. "Are you nervous to meet the queen?"

"What? No, not that." He twisted his body around and then walked in a circle. "It keeps moving. Hold on." He patted his belly, shifted ninety degrees, and patted his side, then pointed in the distance. "It's pointing me that way."

"That's not where we're supposed to go." Beth pulled up a map on her phone. Her reception was poor, so she had to wait a bit for it to load. "There's not much out that way except... oh."

"Oh?"

"Remember some of that extra land you own?"

"Not really. Too busy trying to keep up with my magic house."

She laughed. That was fair. "You've got some land holdings in Oregon, Hawaii, and here, actually. This one is interesting because it's actually a small island with a castle on it."

He paused. "I own a castle?"

"Well, I mean... what's left of one." She had seen the pictures. It had been abandoned for centuries. "Might be worth looking into after we get Cecilia back."

"Oh man. I own a castle." He just shook his head, his eyes on the ground as he kept walking forward. "You realize it's probably the entrance to a dungeon or a tomb, right? Or maybe a dragon lives in it. How the hell would I even manage to take care of that?"

"You're putting the cart before the horse, aren't you?"

Mike was mumbling now, his voice barely legible. "I mean, what do we even feed a dragon? Does it like fish? Cattle? Virgins? Would it fight with the Jabberwock if we brought it home? I don't have the energy for that. Good god, if it eats, then it shits, right? What the hell do I do with dragon shit? Rent a dumpster and fill it with cat litter? Scoop the damn thing with a front... hey, found it!"

He lifted his phone, the circle of light moving forward on the forest floor to illuminate a circle of mushrooms.

"Okay, this is kind of cool." Beth paced the perimeter of the faerie ring. It was a perfect circle, nearly four feet across. The mushrooms were perfectly shaped and looked like dented bells, each one leaning slightly outward. "Just think, this is a portal to another world!"