i hate you, i love you // cody ko // noel miller

chapter eleven // the reality

My breath catches in my throat as the Tokyo skyline flies past our bus window. Cody and Noel just finished the final show of the Asia leg, and I close my eyes as it finally dawns on me.

Tour is over. The past few months, full of highs and lows and tears and laughter and some of my worst ever memories, are over. Tour. Is. Over. It's done. I never have to think about it again.

I tear my eyes away from the dazzling view outside the window and, with a flourish, click 'Upload' and send the final chapter of the vlog off to YouTube. Without even waiting for the initial spike in clicks and views as it gets sent to our subscribers' notifications, I slam my laptop shut and shove it unceremoniously into my bag. After the hell I've gone through trying to stay on top of editing and uploading the past few months, I'd be happy to never make another video again.

Cody and Noel are still in the other room, decompressing after the grand finale of the crazy amount of shows they've done, so I tuck my legs up onto the couch and return to gazing out the window. My heart feels like it's torn into a million different pieces, each piece saying something different. Part of me is overwhelmed with pride at the success we've found on tour, and how the role I played helped contribute to that. Part of me keeps reliving all the tensions I've gone through recently with Cody, no matter how many times I try to push them out of my memories. Part of me is relieved it's all over, while part of me knows I'll miss the road and getting to see so many different countries and people. All of me is exhausted. That's undeniable.

The neon craze of Tokyo makes me dizzy as I try to mentally prepare myself for what's to come. After I came to the harsh realization that I absolutely cannot stay with Cody, at least not right now, my entire life has been carpeted with eggshells. I've decided to wait until the last night of tour to talk with him. I'm not planning on breaking up with him, not exactly. I'm planning on, for the first time, talking about everything. The physical abuse, the mental abuse. The possessiveness. I'm going to make my case and tell him it can't continue, and if it does, then I walk. Am I being too generous? Giving him some sort of final chance? Maybe. But it wouldn't be fair to end things without at least giving him a chance to fix things. The Cody I fell in love with could fix anything. The Cody I fell in love with is still in there. I just know it.

Since I made the decision to explain everything explicitly and give him some sort of... warning? Ultimatum, maybe?... I've been distant with Cody, and even completely withdrawn from Noel. I don't want to let anything slip or say the wrong thing, like it seems I've been doing basically nonstop the entire tour. But tonight... after tonight I'll never have to worry again. No more secrets or fear, just truth and growth. And maybe the weight on my shoulders will finally be lifted. I certainly hope so, because it's getting too heavy to bear.

With all my heart, I want to be home. The thought of falling asleep next to Cody in our giant, comfortable bed, with enough pillows and blankets to tune out reality for a little bit, is deliciously tantalizing. One more night, I remind myself.

As if on cue, Cody slowly wanders in from the other room. He looks just as exhausted as I feel, heavy bags under his eyes and tiredness woven into his sluggish movements as he grabs a cup of water. He turns and smiles at me.

"We did it, Chloe."

"We sure did," I say back with a smile.

"Tour is over. My channel has grown by over three hundred thousand subscribers over the past few months. Unprecedented," he says excitedly. "This has been exhausting, but worth it."

I say nothing, simply moving to the side as he sits down next to me on the couch and puts an arm around me. We sit in silence for a few minutes, the noise of the bus enough to lull us into peace. My head swims with the thought of trying to talk to him tonight, but underneath the anxiety and the uncertainty is a weary sense of resolve. I have to do this. I know I do.