The Heart Wants What It Wants - MakoHaru Hospital AU

Chapter 14: Haruka

Makoto Tachibana

The night lasts long now Haruka's not here. The pain was killing me as soon as the lights went out.

My muscles were twisting and turning while my mind showed me Haruka's grey-ish pale face and blue lips over and over again.

Eventually I cried myself to sleep, only to wake up an hour later because of the pain in my legs, arms and chest.

Every part of me wants to see Haruka, sit down next to his bed and hold his hand. But Kumiko won't let me, she's afraid seeing Haruka like this will only hurt me more.

But I just want to go to Haruka. I want to see his chest moving up and down, see that he's still breathing.

I want to see myself that he's still alive.

I want to feel his hand in mine, his skin on mine.

I close my eyes while I think of a way to sneak to the coma patient's ward without Kumiko knowing. I know exactly where it is, but a wheelchair will be too big and eye-catching. And when I'm walking I won't be fast enough to slip past Kumiko.

I sigh. I can just sit here, keep myself from getting into trouble. Or I could at least try to get to Haruka, even if it would get Kumiko to get disappointed in me for not listening to her.

I have to go. I can't hold back anymore, I have to see Haruka. Hold Haruka.

I look down to my lap and whisper "ankle braces it is" to myself

I throw the blanket off of me, sit on the edge of my bed and put on the braces.

When I look up and turn around to Haruka's bed, a lump appears in my throat.

What if that bed will be empty for forever? I shake away the thought. no... I can't think like that. Haruka will survive.

I take a deep breath, swallow away the lump and get up. I hold myself up right with help of my crutches, but I immediately notice how heavy the weight of my body feels on my legs.

I don't remember taking the steps to the door being so hard. I really have to force myself to take another step every time.

I wonder if it's because I'm scared. Or because of the pain. Maybe it's my body telling me not to go, or showing me that I'm not strong enough for this.

I shake my head and take another step.

I am strong enough. I'm alive, and that's shows I'm strong enough to do this.

So I take another step to the door. I lay my hand on the doorknob and push it open.

I look into the hallway. There are a lot of nurses, but fortunately I can't see Kumiko. As long as the other nurses don't tell her what I'm doing and where I'm going, I'll be just fine.

I limp through the hallway as fast as I can. Lucky for me they keep the coma patients in the IC as well, because otherwise I'd have to walk a lot further.

I walk past the rooms until I find the door that leads to where Haruka's laying somewhere.

I check behind me, to see if no one's watching me. And then I push open the door.

I'll have to search for Haruka, since they keep all the coma patients in one big room. I stumble past the beds, glancing at every person.

It's terrifying, honestly. All of these people are not far from death. They're pale, asleep and there are large tubes going down their throats. Now I suddenly know what my parents felt like some years ago, when they had to walk past those beds daily.

I breathe slowly, limping past the beds until I stop.

There's it. The bed with a boy I know, a boy with straight black messy hair and a pale, pale skin.

I stare at Haruka, let go of the crutches and fold my hands in front of my mouth. I have to force my mouth shut so I don't sob.

I stumble to the side of his bed and lean against the wall so I don't fall over. I stare at him and feel how tears run over my cheeks.

Haruka looks bad, worse than he ever did before.

There's a thick tube going from a breathing machine to his tracheotomy tube. On the side of his bed, there's hanging a catheter attached to a rubber tube going to Haruka's bladder. And there's a feeding tube entering his nose on the left side.

His skin is even greyer than it was before and his lips are clearly tinted purple and blue. His eyes are closed, but his mouth is sometimes moving, like he's mumbling something inaudible.

I lean in and with a trembling hand, I take his hand in mine. Haruka's hands are cold, and his fingertips are pale blue.

I hold them in mine and whisper in between the sobs, "Hi, Haruka." I hope can hear me, but somewhere I know he can. "If you were scared, you don't have to anymore, I'm with you now."

Of course, he doesn't reply, like almost every coma patient. A tear drips from my cheek onto Haruka's cheek.

"Well, I promised to be with you whenever you're scared," I tell Haruka. "And right now I think you're probably afraid, I know the feeling." I glance away. "But I promise you, everything will be fine. Kumiko's looking for a way to get you awake and I promise to wish on a star for you, every night, okay?"

I stare at Haruka's face, his closes eyelids are covering his bright blue eyes. I hope I'll once be able to stare in those eyes again. I hope I'll be there when they open.

But for now they stay tightly closed.