3:20AM

Existing Is Heavy.

There are days when I finally feel like it's getting better and that I'll be able to feel the joy of actually living rather than just existing like a dead soul trapped in flesh and bones.

But then suddenly, it's 4am, and I hear one song, one song that takes me back somewhere into my knotted past, it takes me somewhere near my first heartbreak, or an unsuccessful friendship, or betrayal by people and suddenly the full weight of what's being crashing down falls upon me at once. And I can't put it into words but it feels like ripping my own hair off or screaming on top of my lungs or just jumping off a cliff which has no end so that I keep falling into an infinite universe. The thing is, it never really goes away. THE PAIN.

There are days when it's 2am on a Sunday afternoon and you're there on the floor laughing with your best friends wondering how life could be so perfect. But then a while later, you're alone. And you're the same little girl who got bullied, and made fun of because of being different, and got left out for being an introvert. It's there. It remains. Life can be such a bittersweet tragedy that you can't figure it out whether you want to live for the good things or take your own life because of the bad things.

Sometimes, you're so close to ending it all that you have a knife held up to your chest or a razor blade held in one hand ready to cut the other, but then you lose courage because suicide isn't as easy as it seems. You wonder, if you suddenly disappear, would this nonchalant world even notice a bit?

Little girl, you wanted to grow up so fast despite the fact that people told you that childhood was the best part of life and you refused you believe it.