Reasons I Stayed

Tell it: Reasons i stayed; Disbelief

Reasons I stayed

Disbelief

When I think back to all the reasons I stayed, the most that hits my mind is just disbelief. Disbelief that there was a problem, disbelief that anyone would help me. I didn’t think that the treatment I endured was really enough for a reason to leave. I wanted to souly believe that he’d change. The largest of disbelief was that id have no one to believe me. No real proof behind my words. When you take two objects and hold them in your hand and say “this is 3 cubes.” And “this is 3 more cubes” when I place them together I get 6 cubes. You can see the proof with your own eyes, feel the cubes in your hands, and count them with your eyes and fingers.

I had little proof and the belief that what was going on was normal was so high that I didn’t even bother to keep proof.

I didn’t keep anything to prove my problem real because what if he found out?

He had found out once I was going to leave him. I had planned to once.

In the first year we were together he got very possessive, I wasn’t allowed to have a job, though I had one because I was an independent person, I worked hard to stay that way. I wasn’t allowed to have friends, or talk to my family. I did over the internet, to keep in touch and no fade away. I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone without him allowing it or him present. Anything I did that he didn’t like was added to the “ your cheating on me” list in his mind.

If I smiled at a cashier who run up our groceries, I was flirting with them, and cheating on him. If I made eye contact with another male in any situation, I was cheating.

He went as far as to install a key stroke program into our computer and log every single key I stroked. Giving him access to anything private I ever had. Passwords and conversations with my family and friends. Keeping track of everything I did. Until I made the plan to leave.

I did.

Make a plan..

He found out.

I came home that day- the day I had a bus ticket hiding in my bookshelf among my large collection of books. I even felt bad about hallowing out a book I loved so dearly to stash the ticket inside safely. I did come home that day ready to pack my bag, and leave.

He knew, and I found the motherboard to our computer on our bed, crushed and broken, the tower to the computer taken apart, bits of broken things spread across our studio apartment. I found him on the balcony. Holding my ticket, holding my life hostage. Keeping me stuck with him.

After that fight, I was stuck forever linked to him.

Do you know what happens when a man wants to keep you forever?

Where his deluded mind believes you’re the most important thing and he will do anything to keep you? That his disbelief in your sadness makes all that sad normal and right to him.

My ex believed the only way to keep me with him, was to link us together. The only thing that can link another person together is a child. A marriage can be broken, a handcuff could be broken or cut off. Besides death, and child is a permanent way to link another person together.

He believed I was his link to everything. Even though I was a cheating fat whore I was, “ his cheating fat whore” and only HE got to have me.

I’ll tell you what he did, as he told me once.

“I kept you with me. I did what I had to do. You were so stupid, always making me wear condoms when I made love to you.  Little they did for you with holes inside them.”

He kept me linked to him forever.

That day I gave in, I let him do whatever he wanted to save my life, and it only takes one time. One shot, one moment.

To change your life forever. To this day I am still in disbelief. It’s hard for me to think that someone would ever be that cruel to another person, like everything I endured was a dream or fake reality.  It wasn’t fake. It wasn’t a dream or nightmare.

It happened, and the reasons I stayed were hard to understand, to write them down and put them to words is even harder than living them.