Ma'am this is Panda Express

4

-Hello

-Hi, this is Panda Express you're speaking wit-

- Martha?

-Oh, it's you I'm guessing you want Alyx since everyone else is a bastard

- Right about that I'm actually really Sor-

-Hello, Hi, this is Panda Express. You're speaking with Alyx; what can I get ya? Can I offe—

-Alyx Lastname, my boy!

-Yeah, no you aren't getting my last name, you might stalk me or something. Did you say that you ate dog food yesterday?

-Did I? Might've. Think I crashed like the second you hung up.

-I don't feel like telling the story today. How about you talk to me?

-What would I tell you? Probably not that interesting as a person. You're basically getting paid to talk to me so do your money's worth.

-You know, I never thought about it that way. Um, What's your hair color? How old are you? What's your favorite color? How tall are you? Any piercings? And did you say something about being gay? You know I'm Hispanic.

- That became very invasive all of a sudden . . . but okay. Hold on, you're Hispanic and you work at a Panda Express?

- Yes, and I asked you a question, stupid. Actually, it was multiple.

- I gueeeeess I'll answer. Let's see. My head's shaved so I have a little blonde fuzz. I'm 16. Magenta. I was 5'6" last time I checked. My parents won't let me get piercings. And yes, I'm a total lesbo. Known from the day I was born. What about you?

- I'm a natural brunette, but I got a few gold streaks in up there. I'm 19. My favorite color is Peach. I'm 5'11" happily and I got a sick-ass septum piercing. And I don't know if the last question was meant for me to answer, but I'm big-boy pan.

- That's the weirdest way I've ever heard someone describe pansexuality, but okay. We should exchange phone numbers. I'm tired of having to call Panda Express every day just to talk to you.

- Not yet, and this way you get a discount if you haven't noticed.

- I haven't noticed. Nice touch, Alyx. How am I even getting a discount?

- Did you really not notice your price went from $7.99 to $5.40? Bro, you really are hazy and out of it.

- I know right. I could be on reality TV with a whole documentary about this. "Local 16-year-old is diagnosed with hallucinations, uncovers she's been eating dog treats instead of Panda Express all along." . . . Sounds sick, right?

-Yeah . . . I guess, anyways—

-You don't like it, then.

-No, it's not that. . . . We should get baked together, like meet up and smoke.

- It sounds like a blast. Unfortunately, my parents would probably hang me like a corpse if they found out I was doing drugs like that. They're extremely religious.

- That's why you say you're going to the library. Come on! Don't you wanna meet the famous Alyx Mink?

- Thought I wasn't getting a last name, but alright. For good measures, it's Frea Ramon, Frea Julius Ramon.

- So does that mean you, Frea Julius Ramon, will come to meet me, Alyx Salem Lilsas Mink, to get baked tomorrow?

- Are you peer pressuring me to smoke weed with you?

- . . . Maybe . . .

- Well, I hate to blue-ball you, but that can't happen. I'm terribly sorry, Alyx Salem Lilsas Mink. Perhaps we can get baked together in some other life. For now, I have to go. My mother's taking me to the hospital.

- Well, That's still a yes and I thought you said you weren't gonna die on me?

- When did I say that?

- Yesterday. . .

- No, I never responded to that remark.

- Of course, you remember that. Gotta go Lukie.

- You know my name, why still Lukie?

- I don't know . . . why not?

- Fair, can you tell Martha no hard feelings. . . Bye Alyx

- Yeah Bye-bye Frea

- I like it when you say my name.