mental // phan

"the big day"

DANS POV! 

~

Today is the day that I have to do it. I'm finally letting my family take me to a mental hospital. by "letting" I mean I'm being forced and threatened into it. But anyway. I wake up, 30 minutes late, SHIT! I only have 10 minutes before I have to leave! I run and grab my suitcase, stuffing clothes in vigorously, not even knowing what I'm putting in there, but keeping on throwing piles of black into my black suitcase with a red ribbon on it. I run over to my dresser, falling along the way, but I will persevere. I grab my metallic black hair straighteners and put them on full heat. I don't have time to let them warm up, so I grab the lightly heated straighteners and try desperately to straighten my hair. after all, this will be the last time as they don't let you have anything of the sort in the mental hospital. I clasp my hair and pull the straighteners down, before realising that I will actually have to let them warm up, as nothing is happening, my curls still as visible as ever. I take this time to go to the bathroom, spraying my underarm while brushing my teeth while pulling my clothes on. I try not to look in the mirror as I do this but cant help but take a peek. all I see is fat. Fat everywhere. I stop what I'm doing, a single tear rolling down my cheek. they will help me there. right? I quickly resume pulling my MCR t-shirt over my curly head of hair, before rushing back to my straighteners. 4 minutes. I can do this. I grab my straighteners and a fine toothed comb. I grab each bit of hair as quickly as I can, straightening it in giant clumps. "DANIEL! WE HAVE TO GO OR WE'LL BE LATE!" shouts my mum. I finish straightening the last bit of hair, grabbing my suitcase and throwing my hair straighteners down, only just remembering to press the off button. "IM COMING MUM!" I shouted lousily, sliding down the stairs on my ass. I reach the bottom of the stairs, grabbing my Doc Marten boots and violently shoving my feet into them and lacing them up messily. my mum looks at me in disappointment, before opening the door and leaving, me following lazily behind her. I get into the car, clutching my small felt box tightly in my hands. my blades. I was determined to get them in without them being noticed. I knew the chances of that happening were extremely low, but it was worth a try.

we arrive at the giant, white building, all the windows blacked out and no window frames or proper bricks. it looks so... restricting. great. I have to spend the next 4 months in this place. at LEAST. me and my mum walk towards the place, which tired me out even though it was only about a 2 minute walk. the closer we get, the more dread sets into my body. the more scary the bright white building looks. I walk through the door, my mum in front of me, I follow her to the reception desk, my small felt box still at hand. behind the desk stands a short, kind looking lady who appears to be in her mid 20's. she looks very happy. I don't like that. "Hi! My name is Jessie! You must be Daniel!" she says enthusiastically. "Dan." I say, emotionlessly. "Oh ok Dan! I'm guessing this is your mother, right?" I shrug "mhm" she smiles again, clearly disappointed that I don't seem to give a shit about anything. "ok, well, you might want to say goodbye to your mother! I'll leave you two for a few minutes, then I'll show you to your room!" Jessie walks away, a bounce to her walk. I don't get how anyone could be so happy in a building full of crazy people. "Daniel," my mum begins "Dan." I interrupt, through my teeth. "Dan," she says annoyedly, "we only want the best for you." I stay emotionless. I cant afford to cry, its pointless. "I know." I reply, tensely. she tries to hug me, but I just pat her back awkwardly, before going to find Jessie. "goodbye danie- dan!" she shouts as i walk away, shes clearly choked up. "thanks mum" I whisper, just loud enough for her to hear. when I find Jessie, she immediately turns to look at me. she is still fucking smiling. I just wanna pull her smile off. "Ok Dan! I'll show you to your room! but first," nononononononono "we need to check all your pockets and take all devices or objects that could cause harm from you!" FUCKSHITFUCKSHITNONONONONO! What am I gonna do?! I know the only thing I can do is let her find my blades, but I keep thinking anyway. THATS IT! "ok" I say and when shes not looking, I secretly grab my little felt box and shove it into my underwear, right next to my dick, my hands brushing against it, sending shivers down my spine. she looks back at me, before grabbing my hand and pulling me away. I quickly retract my arm, pulling violently, and I see the little bit of hope flee from Jessie's heart. She continues to smile, though. "follow me!" she says, the light flickering back into her eyes. "mkay" I mumble, looking down at the ground nervously. surely they wont look down my pants! we arrive at the room, labelled clearly in big black letters "THE CHECK ROOM"

She opens the door, and its just a big white room with a box, a locker, and a metal device. she gets me to stand on a small podium, before reaching her hands into all my pockets, only taking my phone and my water bottle. I don't really know why she took my water bottle, but hey ho I guess. she then gets me to lie down, and she tells me to strip down. YOU WOT M8? I look at her as if she's crazy. what the actual fuck? also, I cant stand the sight of myself, and all the walls are shiny, showing me a dulled out version of my own reflection. she looks at me, not saying a word. what. the. fuck. then I realise. my blades are down there. there's no way to hide them. I go into the small curtained off room that I didn't even realise existed and began to strip. she wanted my clothes too, so I couldn't hide my blades there. I tore off a small piece of the thick felt from the felt box, then another, then another, until I had 6 bits. I grabbed my blades, covering the sharp ends in plump felt, making them soft and pillowy, yet not too puffy. I did that to all 6 blades, before popping them, one by one, into my mouth, trying my very best to not stab my tongue. i stepped out of the curtained room, my hands sheepishly over my private area and my mouth closed awkwardly over the blades. i pass her my clothes, looking down and sighing at the thought of having to spend even another day here. i know it will be more than just a day, much more. "arms out, legs apart!" the nurse says, her kind tone slightly less prominent now. that sounds gross. I comply anyway, trying to make my mouth look as normal as I can. I feel jessie pat down my body, and as she gets closer to my... you know.... I start to blush. not because im turned on, just because i am gay, and I don't really enjoy having a lady all up in my business. she finishes patting me down, and passes me my clothes after briefly checking all the pockets, seams and legs or arm holes. I move into the tiny curtained room, quietly spitting the blades out. I take the (now stripped of its felt) box that my blades were in when I first arrived, and put them in my pocket after putting on my jeans. once I was re-dressed, I exited the small room and walked out to see jessie standing right there in front of me, smiling once again. I sigh, waddling towards her in sadness. "right this way, mr Howell! let me show you to your room!" she exclaims cheerily. I sigh again, shrugging my shoulders and hunching back over. jessie darts out the room, almost jogging down the hallway, leaving me panting as I try to catch up. jesus christ. 

after speed walking for about 5 minutes, we arrive at a room marked with 'room 33' on the door. jessie cracks the door open, sticking her head in to make sure she was okay to go in. then she fully opens the door, revealing a white room with some light wood shelves and white beds with white covers and white sheets. great. there is no one in the room, not surprising seeing as it is lunch time now. hopefully I can get away with saying I ate at home, because the thought of lunch makes me shiver. "so, this is your room, you ca  store your clothes in the compartments under your bed, the one on the right, and you can....." jessie drones on as I zone out nervously. I cant stop thinking about what might happen to me while im here. what if I get lost! what if I embarrass myself!  what if someone trys to kill m- I continue to think until jessie interrupts me by becoming slightly louder at the end of her sentence, "-and youll be sharing this room with phil!" she finishes. I look up, alarmed by the fact that I have to share my room, even though I saw it coming. "wh-who's ph-ph-phil?" I stutter nervously. "youll see when he is back from lunch! he might seem rude at first, but I promise he is okay once you get used to him!" she exclaims. that makes me nervous. I wont speak to him anyway, I cant interact with new people. "thanks" I mutter back to jessie, still looking down. "right! i'll leave you to get packing then, your therapy session is at 3, dinner is at 5, and between those times, youre free to do whatever you want! within reason, obviously. ill speak to phil and make sure he shows you round in a bit, yeah?" she rambles, beaming all the way through. "sure." I say, not wanting her company any longer.

I lie on my bed, not bothering to unpack yet. im so nervous for what might happen, after all, no one is going to want to talk to me anyway, im just an ugly, fat worthle-                                                       my thoughts are interrupted by a loud opening of the door. I look up quickly, scared.

"oh for fucks sake, you have to be kidding me"