Off-Screen

OG| Dear Nora,

> timeline- straight after OG (so five years before GB)
>If this book is found on any other website apart from Wattpad then it is plagiarised. You may be exposing yourself to malware and viruses on the website you are on so please make sure you read my book on Wattpad instead where it is available for free.

Dear Nora,

We've been told that one of the steps to recovery is to make amends. So I decided to write letters to the three most important people in my life; My dad, Spencer and you. I wrote their letters three days ago but your letter has been the hardest to write. Every time I put my pen to paper I freeze up because the truth is there really is no forward, proper way of writing this letter to you. There are no words to convey how I feel but I'm going to try my best.

First and foremost, I am so sorry. That five letter word probably means nothing compared to what we have been through but it's the closest I can get to conveying the remorse and regret and disgust I feel for my past actions.

I want to explain to you why I did what I did. Our whole made-up, insignificant hierarchy was, at one point, the most important thing in my life and my only goal was to remain on top. I liked the power. But you were, and still are, so perfect. You're so beautiful and so smart and so kind and generous and I felt threatened. But instead of feeling threatened, I should have seen you as an equal and welcomed you to share the spotlight with me. Maybe if we did, it wouldn't have blinded me so much. We could have gotten through the pressure of the hierarchy pyramid together. Or better yet, we could have abolished it. Our senior year of high school was traumatising for both of us. And that was my fault.

Oliver and I started our fling before you two started going out. I was actually falling in love with Oliver. I didn't just sleep with him to get to you. I loved him. Maybe he loved me too. Or maybe he just lied. The love between me and Oliver wasn't healthy though. The Greeks classified the types of love into 7/8 neat categories. I can't remember what they are but what I do know is that my love for Oliver and his love for me didn't fit into any category. We made our own type of love. It was paradoxical in itself because it was both passionate and half-hearted, intense yet quite apathetic. It was a fling between two people who meant more to each other than careless sex. I know this is confusing but it's the best I can do to explain it. We loved each other so much yet refused to realise how much we meant to each other. We took turns playing mind games on the other just to mask our true feelings. I didn't know he liked you until that interview you and I did. I'm 100% certain that I am nothing compared to you in his mind so I hope you aren't comparing yourself to me. He loved to sleep with me but he loves being with you.

I refuse to blame Oliver for anything that happened to me but I do think he came away unscathed from the incident when both of us were in the wrong. You and the rest of the world forgave him without any repercussions and that hurt me.

When you released the tape of Oliver and I, I was humiliated. That was the trigger for me. But put yourself in my shoes. My father and and all my friends and teachers were there. Everyone that mattered to me saw that tape. And then it got published in the tabloids. I was devastated, Nora. I know seeing Oliver cheating on you really hurt you but I wish you would have been less public with the exposé.

However I don't blame you for the aftermath. You weren't the one to lead me into a drugged up haze. That was all me. I became an addict by my own actions. But I'm okay now. I think.

I miss you, Nor. I miss us. I miss lounging around in my bedrooms eating Guylian chocolate-covered strawberries and drinking Moët. I miss our nights out when we would sing at the top of our voices. I miss seeing you smile and joke around. Last week, one of our tasks was to write about our favourite memory. I wrote about that holiday we took when we were fourteen. Remember? I had to beg my dad to let me go skiing with your family and eventually he agreed. That was perhaps one of the greatest weeks of my life. One particular moment stood out to me. It was like four am and you, me, Spencer and Oliver were in the hot tub. We were pretty drunk (and probably high too). And our laughter and chatter drowned out the sound of the jacuzzi jets. And you looked at me as Spencer and Oliver were messing around. You smiled and waggled your tongue at me before reaching across to hold my hands. I had to sit up straight as you pulled me closer to you. And you said something cheesy like "You're my sister". Nora Lawrence, I will love you forever. No matter what goes on between us just know that my love for you is unwavering. You are my sister Nora. You are my family. And I love you.

'Absence makes the heart grow fonder'. I have decided to stay in Florida indefinitely. Don't tell Spencer because I haven't told him yet. But I'm moving here, not just for rehab but maybe forever. I don't know. My mind just feels less foggy in this place. I don't feel under pressure to be popular and elite. But the main reason I want to stay here is to give you a chance to prosper. I have been eclipsing you since the minute we met but now is your time to shine. You deserve the greatest, Nor. And maybe this time apart will help us heal. And maybe someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

I always loved New York but it's yours now. I'll keep my distance but just know that you'll always be in my heart.

  Wow, this letter is longer than I thought it would be and some of the ink is smudging from my tears so I'll stop. I have to go anyway because I have a therapy session soon.

Take care of yourself. I hope you, Spencer and Oliver have the time of your life for the rest of senior year.

Love,
Madeline 'Thot-hart'
ღ